epic fail

So here's the update on my life.

A while ago, there was this guy that I liked. I did something stupid with him (not sex) and now he....I guess he talks about it when he's drunk. It finally made its way to someone whose opinion matters to me. The story here is that, whether or not it's a big deal to them, it's a big deal to me. It worries me. I don't want to seem.....idk, the only word that comes to mind now is "loose" and I don't think that's the right word. I'm not....casual. I'm not! I mean, I just went ahead and directed honest questions at them, just.....asked if they thought less of me now that they knew that I did. I mean, it's not even what I did, it's more like...what I let someone else do (not like....stupid pictures splayed on the internet or anything like that. I'm stupid, but not *that* stupid). Anyway, the point is that I asked. I haven't gotten a reply yet, and boy is it killing me. Although, their initial reaction seemed to be a bad one, idk....I hope that I didn't just disappoint one of the most important people in my life. Ah....I can't seem to do anything right. I just act on impulses that lead to stupid things.

Blah.

On a side note, I guess....a hefty side note. I was also told that this boy--as sweet as this is, it's still pretty unfortunate--that would leave his girlfriend 9this happened before current gf became his gf, and school (which, I guess, means that he'll move back in-state to go to a crappier school (still ok, I guess 'cause he's an engineering major and NCSU is good for engineering) for me. for. me. I....hope I don't ever have that effect on anyone. I mean....my current sigfig would give up those huge things for me, but....this boy....isn't even with me. This is what he would do, if I...told him I would reciprocate his feelings. I don't want that kind of value/weight/responsibility. I'm not....fit to appropriately make someone happy. I'm just...not. you know? My skills are pretty much related to material things, like cooking, cleaning, academics--they....they don't say anything about my emotional/relationship qualifications. I don't know....I don't know! I don't know.

If you're wondering why I'm so....beat up over this, I guess I should tell you that this is a guy who...values his career. He would put the career first and the family second. He's someone who's told me that he would never give up a promotion or a faraway job just because the person he's with has asked him to. This is someone who doesn't get the point in having a family, who doesn't appreciate clingy-ness. This is....someone who is detached, but apparently is attached to me.

It's like...it scares me when every time he gets drunk, he talks about me, or calls me, or thinks about when we were together (which wasn't even togetherness, it was more like a casual thing to keep us away from getting into heavy emotional things, but still keep us....together?). I....I'm not worth that kind of torch-bearing. I'm not that kind of...idk...I don't deserve it 'cause I don't feel the same way, and I don't know how to feel the same way.

Blah....Worries in the am always take away my sleep.