don't you hate

those sleepless nights? those nights when you've got a lot to think about and thoughts just jump at you from nowhere?

it's almost like I want to quit life. quit everything. quit and just sit there in a corner, waiting for it to end. I've been wanting that. I want it to all end.

I want the taunting to stop. I want to be free of everything. I want a day where I don't have to think about anyone else, or schoolwork, or someone's else's dreams for me.

I want someone else to think for a while. I want they to go sleepless for a night while I tuck away on my bed, carefree until I have to wake up again. I want it to be finished. For once, I want to go to sleep feeling like something was completed, feeling like I can just fall back on my pillow, close my eyes and sleep will come to me and make me better.

I want someone else to care for a while, to be mystified by me, to be pulled around by me instead of the other way around. I want someone to lie awake dissecting my words and action, wondering what I'm thinking, what I want, what I want to feel.

I don't want to say that my life is devoid of caring and affection, 'cause it's not. I just simply want someone to be in my place, doing what I do, so that I know there's someone out there doing the same things for me.

hmm...

hey, long time no see. I'm watching a movie, and well....that means I'm thinking a lot. I'm watching "he's just not that into you" and I'm thinking about the guy that seems to be leading to cheating on his wife at this point. I.....I guess it's bad, but I guess I sympathize. it's not just that I've done so. it's just......I don't think I believe in loving only one person forever. I guess then I sympathize with the person who doesn't believe in marriage. I think.....there are people who you need in your life because they're good for you, and then there are people who you want in your life 'cause you think they're what you need. holy shit. I can't decide if I believe in loving someone forever or not. I.....I can see myself loving someone forever, but....idk. BLAH. UGH. why do I always think I'm thinking something awesome with like....an epiphany and then just.....it fizzles out.

So what I've been thinking about is the categorization of my relationship. what is it? I....had a talk with my mom. She said something that kinda stuck to me. (paraphrase from Vietnamese)"If you want something, and even if you don't think you can get it, you should just go for it. It's all or nothing. Doing things halfway would just make a mess."

I...I can't do that. I can't dive in. I can't make any of it happen. I know I can't. I KNOW I can't. Sad. Sad. Headdesk. There are no rules for relationships. There aren't any signs put up telling you where to go. There's no trail guide telling you to "take the hedgebush, and not the hazelbush." I've done all I can. AH. Is it so hard? Is it so hard for people to be definitive? For them to put themselves out and say "yeah, I want this. Yeah, keep going. No, don't keep going." or even a "Yeah. that's right. I like this, but I don't like THIS."

Then sometimes I think it's me. I think....wow, maybe they've given me all the signs of "go away. keep out. nono, that's enough," and I'm just so persistent and disillusioned that I just didn't hear. There are so many things I think I see, so many things I don't think I should see, so many things that I might not even be seeing at all, but just imagining. I'm imagining it. That's right. The first step to recovery is telling myself there's nothing. Nothing is going on. Nothing is...it just isn't.