morning worries

Atonement really bothers me....and you know why? It confirmed my belief that certain things are just not achievable regardless of how strongly you feel about it. Take what happened in the movie for example. It really does not matter at all whether or not two people love each other, sometimes they just don't have the right circumstances and time and space and opportunities and even the freedom to see each other. You know how much that freaking sucks? Maybe I'm over-thinking this and perhaps it doesn't even make sense why I should be angry at this concept. Perhaps, you say, this person that I am very fond of is imagined, or....maybe we're not fond of each other to that degree. Well....regardless of what the case is, I am certain that it's painful for me at least. Perhaps it's not the same in the other person's case, but...well, if that's the case, that's quite unfortunate, but it doesn't change the way I view them...and if they were to ask me to stop, it's ok. For as long as that doesn't happen, this is what I'm feeling.

At this moment where I'm feeling especially discouraged, part of me is seriously wondering why I'm engaged in this....but then I slap myself on the head because that's preposterous. I'm the kind of person where if something bothers me and I could do something about it, I will get myself out of it. The fact that I'm wondering why I'm engaged in this tells me that it's not something I want to get out of. Then I wondered to myself whether or not this is something that matters that much to me, because in this moment of discouragement of mine, I don't really feel like being optimistic about my current predicament, much less my future one. Talking about my future one, I was wondering whether or not there is a point to engage in the current predicament...because the future does not look so certain, and I don't make unstable investments. However, I remind you again that this is not something I want to get out of....and at this point, I'm sure you're asking me why. Why? Perhaps this is stupid of me, but this person is worth it. If you don't believe me, you're ridiculous because it's 3:20 am at this moment in time, and I can't sleep. I've been keeping this optimism...but after reviewing my updated circumstances in this situation as of 2 am, I feel like circumstances aren't really in my favor, I feel like opportunities aren't in my favor, and it's not that I don't want to do anything about it, it's because the opportunities are not those I can make for myself. I have no car, even if I did, doesn't mean a simple trip there will be successful because there are other controlling factors. I feel helpless, and it's the kind of helpless where it is out of my control, and I can't stand it.

The future looks better, but not that much better. It seems like so far two lives are going totally separate. I think about that all the time, and with each passing day that takes me closer to graduation, I think about the possibility of losing this person. There have been talks about efforts towards communication and visits, and (optimistically) about how we're never going to forget. You know what scares me? There were people in 5th grade that I resolved to say that about, and you know what I remember about them now? Nothing. It's not a matter of remembering, it's whether or not I will remember the first moment when I first had this epiphany about how I felt about them, or remember the moment when I first said those three words and mean it. It feels silly to say that. I'm sure it is. It also always feels silly to have a first of something and not know how the other person feels about it or what kind of standing it has--which leads to the next important thing...I don't want to grow up to be the kind of broken person who remembers these small and silly things about someone who doesn't feel the same for me anymore and can't remember these same things. That would be a tragic existence that I don't want to be trapped into. I also don't want to be trapped in a situation where I remember nothing. To me, being able to forget means that the event never had that much significance in your mind anyway. Sometimes when we talk, I can't help but think--it's so horrible of me, I think--that if they weren't sure in the first place then....how....how do they know? Of course, we've talked about how one will never really know, and that's true...something I feel now might not be something I'll feel later. That scares me, too. That scares me that we can't possibly know.

I wouldn't say I have inadequacy issues, because I am a slightly confident-arrogant person who thinks that I'm very capable. On the other hand, I just worry, not because I myself am inadequate, but because--and I've been taught this ever since I was little--that everybody has someone who is better than them in some aspect. You know...that is true, and what if someone is better than me in the right (or in my case, wrong) aspects? *sigh* that might prompt a leave, too. I worry about that a lot...but I'm also pained by the fact that if it does happen, I'd rather let it go than make the other person unhappy. You see what has happened to me? I feel trapped, and yet I like it enough to stay in it? It feels to me like some twisted game that I keep playing, a puzzle that leads to more puzzles, and I'm not sure if this feeling is associated with "love" and fondness. I hope it does not, because I think it means that I'll be in quite a predicament in the future.

It bothers me...it bothers me that I am also forced to put a lot of other things above it. I don't want to, but I have to. Times spent together are like that candies in that secret stash that you have to search for every time you want it; you have to complete all the necessary steps in-between. Likewise, I have to let certain things happen that might get in the way...it's a part of life, a part of hoarding the stash...nobody has to know that you have it. I accept this, because I feel like I can't make too many demands...and that for as long as I am happy, and for as long as I have that stash/secret of mine...it's ok. However, it's as agonizing as going through a dinner that barely excites you, just to get the dessert that you truly want. When you finally get to the dessert, you barely have any room left for it; just like that I find myself having barely any time left for it. The thing is, your stash, the thing you want to get to, it's not a daily occurrence and yet....all the necessary steps in between ARE normal, daily occurrences that are absolutely necessary for some reason unknown to me. It's agonizing...

Yet, you know that in life, there are going to be some things and people that come before others...and you accept, because it'll break you more not to have it. It's like being a fanatic about Michaelangelo and never being able to see the Sistine Chapel in person. You can look at all the pictures and watch all the documentaries, you can buy paintings and replicas and photographs of it, hang it all over your wall. You can spend time with it, but it's not what you want. However, you're satisfied because having something it better than having nothing at all. It's the acceptance that kills, and you accept it, knowing that not accepting would kill even more. I'm sure no one agonizes about this issue the way I am right now. I'm sure the previous statement was a lie. What I meant was, no one around me. I'm not even sure if the other person is experiencing such a strong surge of fear and paranoia and contentment and bliss at the same time. Truly and honestly, it's that feeling you get when you spend time with someone you love and there are so many things you want to do with them, but you can't; yet in that disappointment, you're content because you get to see them and hear them and just be with them. I'm sure some of you would feel like the previous statement was overly dramatized,

The world strives to make things about them; I strive to make things not about me. Does that makes sense? I'm not trying to be a martyr, nor am I trying for guilt nor test anyone. I believe that things fall into place how they should be, and demanding anything puts me with the rest of the world in our self-pitying selfishness. I don't want that. At the same time, I can't seem to help the fact that I am pained. Not pained like I want to say that to let myself get something better out of my horrible predicament, but pained as in I don't know what to do about it. It is true pain.

It is 3:51 am, I feel all there is that I could feel...an inappropriate mix of good and bad that confuses me. I am 17; I do not think people of my age can adequately be feeling these things, and I hope this is not all a grand illusion. I'm not sure if I make sense anymore, but I shall retire for the night/morning....I have to wake up at 9:30 for a shower before meeting Frances. No...for those who are mistaken, she's not the most important person in my life. I think it would make me happier if she is, because perhaps I would then still be able to tell myself I'm not that deep into this. I'm sure I have failed my personal mission to stay above my comfortable place. However, I declare this new falling experience of mine with caution, fear and excitement. Caution out of the fear that it is not reciprocated, and excitement out of making that first milestone. One has to make it some time in life, why don't I be courageous for once and make it now. I love someone...and every time I think about that fact and that person, I think about all these things, all these worries....and I wonder sometimes...if this is reversible.