response

to Tracy's post

I lie a lot, but I would like to believe I lie in order to protect. I guess if you look at it in another way, I like to benefit myself, 'cause in the end, if I'm lying about myself, then I'm lying to protect the people I love AND to keep them close to me. That has always been a rather conflicting issue within my mind...and I don't expect to be able to resolve that conflict any time soon. in retrospect, when I've lied to people, I've usually lied about myself. I've lied about my past, and I've lied about what I've done or where I've been. I do not, however, like about who I am. I believe that as long as I can keep who I am as honest as possible, then I would be reassured that people who love me are loving me for who I am. I said love, but I guess I should say "care" since I believe that only maybe 1 person outside of my family can ever love me at one point. Why? I view love cynically and carefully, only declaring something love after that person's gotten to know me and I've gotten to know them. I digress.

I do believe that you can survive by only telling the truth. I also believe that it'll take a rather strong person, with a strong sense of moral responsibility and awareness...something I don't have. I only feel those toward people I care for, and even then it's not 100%. I know someone, she's been a long time best friend of my mom's. She and my mom met in high school...and my mom used to tell me these stories about how her friend was always (still is) so honest that sometimes my mom just has to wonder if she likes to be stepped on and taken advantage of. It's a sad sight, and it's a rather unhappy life. She's a teacher....a poor, kinda struggling high school teacher in vietnam. Boy, talk about a non-rewarding job in the most inconvenient place. If you're gonna be a teacher, at least be one in china...they get treated better. My mom told stories about how her friend got stuck with the checks, how everyone would always ask her hard questions 'cause she always answered honestly. If she ever had to give a bad answer, she'd give it and apologize right away. Now, her husband is injured permanently from a car accident and is bitter--and taking it out on her. He used to be a nice, sweet guy...until he could no longer properly provide for his family. Her son steps all over his mom, too. She only gets to talk to my mom once in a while, when her son lets her borrow his computer. God, if I was her, and I had bought that computer for my child, I'd beat him down when he denies me the right to use it. Anyway, that is the life of an example honest person. Correction, she is both honest and timid. I also believe that it's totally possible to live an honest life without being too self-sacrificing, but I can't imagine that being too fulfilling, either.

I would like to think that I'm craftier than people perceive me to be. If you think about it, I can even say I'm calculating...if I used that power for evil. As in...I think of every move I make, like I'm playing a chess game or solving a puzzle. If I make the wrong choice, I can lose. Even when I answer a question, I think about right and wrong, regardless of whether or not there is one. I think of the answer that is right, and if not, I think of what people would like me to answer. If I choose to deceive with the intention of hurting, I think I'm totally capable of it. Sometimes I look down upon myself, I think, because I know what thoughts I've had and what I am capable of if I chose to act that way. However, I guess if I think about it in a broader sense, everyone is capable of doing bad. I choose to use my cautiousness to keep myself from people like myself. I like to tell people to stay away from the deceptive, calculating people (mostly vietnamese women).

I am a firm believer of "guts" because I think that if you're a good person, it will always lead you to the right place. With that said, the right place isn't always the safest place, nor will it be the most comfortable. If your guts lead you to trouble, at least you meet your end doing something you truly believe in, not something you did just 'cause you're trying to escape the consequences. Idk, guts, I guess depends on how you interpret the word. If guts tells you that your lover is cheating on you, when in fact you're hallucinating....that's not guts, that's craziness. That's irrationality. I can't say I've mastered this, but for some odd reason....even if I can't master it, I at least know what I've supposed to do. Or maybe I don't. I don't understand sometimes how I can assess my own emotions, shortcomings, and look at the sources and causes...and yet I can't stop myself from doing things that I disapprove of. On that note, I will make my final point.

Truth is subjective, and there can't be a "wrong" as long as you're acting on instincts. Society dictates "right" and "wrong" and you can just as easily change it. Like a pedophile, I think, is perfectly within his boundaries to think some kid is attractive, and act on that sense of attraction. If the kid was older, or if it was demi moore....it won't be wrong. My definition of wrong is when your actions hurt someone else. So in my eyes, they're wrong. If they had the same set of morals, then they'd think it was wrong, too. A Community is a group of people with similar sets of morals and within that community, there are common rules. You can never get someone to completely live within your boundaries and you can't let yourself do the same for someone else. I think life is a compromise...where the extremes or differences neither mesh nor clash.

As for sacrifice....I'll sacrifice myself for anyone I think is worthy. Worthy to me is just a simple, good person. A good person is a person that tries to never hurt someone else. Yes, that's right, I'd like to believe that I only sacrifice for certain people, 'cause that makes my sacrifices for them more special. Nah...I can see myself giving up my life for people who I don't know as long as they're helpless to defend themselves. That's my way of making my life fulfilling. Happiness is not the same thing as "fulfilling". 'Cause sacrificing myself for others will not coincide with my ultimate goal of happiness, to be with the person I care for, living comfortably and out of the rumblings of other people's lives. For me, the ultimate choice comes down to "fulfilling" or "happiness". I believe that when people start to look for happiness, they start to look toward pleasing themselves. Otherwise, it's not happiness they're seeking, it's fulfillment. Both give you something completely different, the name of which depends on what word in the english (or some other language) dictionary you want to use.

chinese olympics and the chinese

Look people. I understand that I am ignorant of the China-Tibet situation, so don't start slamming me for advocating what, in my opinion, you wrongfully call "the new Holocaust" or a genocide, or whatever other atrocities you've dubbed this situation. I get it, ok? I get it, and anyone with half a brain in the US, Europe, South America or Asia would also get that Tibet is being mistreated by China. I get it. This is the exact problem I have with certain types of people here in America. I have a problem with people who are ignorant of an ancient culture, a culture that people like Anthony Bourdain would say cannot be summed unless in a significant amount of time with a significant amount of effort. Do you understand anything about Chinese people? Do you even understand anything about any Asian country and its culture, those of you who have been harboring feelings of disdain toward "the commies" such as Northern Vietnamese and China? Do you even have the slightest inkling? If you say yes, I would call you a shameless liar, because I don't even know my own Asian culture as well as I ought to, much less other Asian cultures. You, you as internet dwellers with nothing more to do than to insult other people's cultures on an anonymous public forum--I hope you find much joy in knowing that such a dishonorable action is bound to summon karmic retribution. Onto the cause of my anger.

One of my facebook acquaintances has come across something that also ticks me off.

I stumbled upon a post on a celebrity gossip website showing an item purchased obviously from a Chinese store with a celebrity's head photoshopped upon the body. I definitely thought it was funny, until I saw a comment by this imbecile that was uncalled for and that completely crossed the line and missed the point of the post.

Submitted by cuntess on July 11, 2008 - 1:15am.
Damned Chinese rip off everyhing known to mankind, but can't spell worth shit. I can't wait for them to be humiliated at the Olympics.

So I replied saying that was racist (cue macro) and that I was Chinese. Someone else replied to my comment.

I'll agree the first part sounds kind of racist. Do you live in China?

There are probably millions of people out there saying the same shit at this moment because of what the Chinese are doing to Tibet. Try looking up "China and Tibet" and see what comes up. Then you'll understand why people think the Chinese deserve to be humiliated at the upcoming Olympics.

Also, how do you know the person who posted the comment is Tibetan?

I hope you are happy with the kind of people that represent your culture. That was really graceful. This person addressed quite a few problems with these kinds of comments in her note, which I shall post here for efficiency purposes.

Nice generalization. First off, this person obviously doesn't understand that Chinese people have no say in their government and should definitely not be held accountable or penalized for their government's actions. Even though I don't want to get into the China-Tibet-Olympics bloodfest, the Olympics are about UNITY and athletics and should not be tainted by political turbulence. I hate how so many people act like they can douse glue our whole population and to amass us all together and then label us all "rip-offs", "pirates", "human rights violators," etc. Another person commented comparing China's situation with Tibet to Nazi Germany's Jewish extermination regime. China has promised to improved its human rights policies, and that comparision is completely out of line. That person then continued with this audaciously impudent comment "If they wanted to end that shit, they could. There are like a billion of them." This clearly uneducated idiot thinks the Chinese could wake up one day, eat their xi fan, magically assemble, and overthrow the government. China's not even Communist anymore!

Okay, I know there is a lot of piracy in China and you all probably own a pirated DVD from China with some whack pseudo-English description on the back completely irrelevant to the movie, but please, pretty much every American teenager gets a significant amount of their music illegally via torrents and P2P sharing and watch movies & TV shows through various illegal websites. One could argue that it's different because the Chinese distributers of pirated media make money from it, but I'm sure the websites make money also from ads on their *please donate* sections of their websites.

Also, to say the Chinese "rip-off" everything is so ridiculous. Every country has taken ideas developed in other countries. Half of the electronics here are "ripped-off" from Japan. How can people make these ignorant accusations without fully acknowledging the contributions the Chinese have made to mankind millennia ago.

Everyone knows China has its faults, but the people should hardly be blamed, and the country and its people hardly deserve to be HUMILIATED at an event like the Olympic which China is so proud to finally host. Appreciation for China's rich culture is atrociously disproportioned to criticism of its every move. It's gotten to a point where it seems to me that "Chinese" has a bad connotation in this country.

Honestly, few people would dare to write a similar comment about the black population like that because there will be a ton of people that'll jump on their ass. Why do we have to endure this type of racism? Why do we have to be the silent minority? We don't have a spokesperson for us or even Asian Americans as a whole. Even though there are many activist groups, we're only making a whisper -- a murmur. I don't think we should tolerate such blunt racism that probably is largely ignored in public forums like this.

This was a much needed rant, and people might actually listen to me for once because my parents think my feelings toward this are silly and I didn't know any Chinese people my age up until this year.


Have you gone to China to meet the people there? I haven't, either, but once you get there and you get to know someone and see the way they live, hear what they have to say then you can start trashing people if you still disagree. Have you met the Olympic athletes? Do you know how hard they train? Look at your own Olympic athletes and you'll get an idea. What would you say if the US held an Olympic event and countries started boycotting for its decision to invade and stay in Iraq? What if someone else started to talk about the lack of decency and respect given to the 1st amendment from the people who sell porn by the millions and the people who use computer-generated graphics to create legal child porn? What if they said that Americans are nothing but ungrateful pigs with their fast food chains and indecent entertainment and hypocrisy? That's exactly the kind of thing you're doing with Chinese people. If you ask random people on the street about the war in Iraq, you're bound to get a variety of responses, correct? In the same way, China, with it's "billions of procreating people" are bound have different opinions as well. Or have us Asians become mindless government-obeying freaks? Please, give up on the idea that "if the Chinese wanted to get out of this, they can revolt". Let me ask you this. let's say you're unhappy with the US government, now tell me how exactly you're going to stage a country-wide mass revolt? There are so many problems with that argument that I'm not even going to address the failures that would ensure. That revolt would be reduced to massacres of the people or even worse, a war. What growing country would like to do that to itself? Moving on...China is a CAPITALIST country. Ask any Asian and they can tell you that it's not the militaristic "killer of defiance", communist dictatorship that it used to be. Get over that image already and do us all a favor. Also, to the people who are so eager to dirty up other people, have you looked at your own country? The problems I've named above are only a few that I am personally annoyed with. There's also a problem with feeding your children crap that's been processed by industrial farms and genetically enhanced vegetables that's been grown using chemically-altered/improved soil and fertilizer. Oh please. There is much to say about a culture that's bent on serving its people's need for the cheapest foods and the quickest means to get that food--and it's slowly killing you. There's also a problem with companies exploiting other countries like...oh say....CHINA for its cheap labor and its willingness to use other cheaper fuel sources like coal that cause pollution to its people? Do those American companies care about that? Oh, of course they don't. The laws of business doesn't deal with other countries' problems. Or what about the outsourcing to India or the shipment of other cheap clothing from Vietnam. Go look at the tags on your clothes and the stickers on your foods and household products. Look at the cheap shrimp that you're buying from Thailand and Maalaysia (shipped to Harris Teeter and other chain stores) and the soft-shelled crab from Vietnam. Look, like that girl I quoted, there's a lot to be said about every country. I can name a lot of things about my own country, so don't get me started on that 'cause they make me angry, too. My country is Vietnam in case you're wondering. I am an immigrant so don't start slamming me for being a know-nothing foreigner. I know someone absolutely DYING to. Even though I name these problems, I am WELL AWARE that it's not plaguing the whole population. Not ever citizen is a greedy businessman bent on exploiting poorer, struggling countries.

Don't perpetuate the grossly widespread idea that Asians all go around bootlegging movies and music and games and then badly translate them to chopped English. If this is me not spelling anything worth shit as an immigrant, then sure, I'm glad you have such high standards for English-speaking peoples. The Olympics, as this girl said, is about unity, it's about athletes who have worked too damn hard for people to wish they will be HUMILIATED at an event that they're hosting. China has worked its ass off in since the last Olympic to prepare for this year, so be courteous. I also get annoyed at people who boycott the Olympics because in the end, you're punishing your own athletes from keeping them back. Did those people do anything to you? If you're going to take a stand for something, then do it with honor and with a better vocabulary and a stronger point of view than that person did. Use a better username, too, than cuntess. Or is that a little American misspelling? If you're wondering whether or not I'm being spiteful, yes...yes, I am. It makes me angry to see people, especially my peopke, being disguatingly attacked.

20 days and 21 nights

so I have decided to post an epic post about my 20 days of trying to do something while Tracy is in Hong Kong/Japan.

July 7th
----(12:32 am): I just arrived home, and I thought I'd put something up before I go to sleep. After I woke up this morning to talk to her as she's waking up, I decided to stay up. There was too much sniffling for me to go back to sleep; the pain was searing through my tough interior. We prepared to make sushi later and took a pot of leftovers from a really stinky vietnamese noodle soup that we took hours to make yesterday. We finished it for brunch and had it heated up in the garage atop a gas stove to keep the smell out. Afterwards, we rolled sushi and make a sushi pyramid that ran 4 levels high--if you think this is a lot, rest assured that we finished it after we came back from the beach. I spent my time at the beach snapping pictures of Jason and then talking to Stacy. I finally asked her about her sketch things, which I'll tell tracy later. I would not betray my pact of secrecy with my roommate. We dropped by this korean store to buy wasabi and ginger which we'll later use to finish our sushi--good thing about having a big family. We loaded up and I slept for most of the way home. I was very tired from being up early. We left at 6:30 and stopped by a taco bell drive-through at 10:40 to get tacos. That was one skimpy ass taco--I hate late-night drive-throughs. My parents and I proceed to slightly bond by talking about anything and everything. We discussed the upcoming election, how we can make much better tacos, the chemistry teachers at ncssm, how we'll go to china one day just to eat food, how the US's education system is whack. I got bored after and while, and my mom then took another nap. We arrived home and I an dead tired....until tomorrow, then. Go here, tracy, to see some tropical fruits that I was talking about.

----(2:24 am): I am so tired.......my eyes burn, but I can't sleep. I don't think I can even remember how I used to make insomniac self go to sleep without my bunny. D: I keep dropping drops into my eyes, but I'm not sure that dryness is the problem, though it feels dry. I think it's just my eyelids wanting to close. I tried to do what I did a while ago...putting the tv on a good show and setting the "sleep" mode. As I did before, I had problems with that...I kept worrying about it turning off before I can sleep...so I keept waking up and setting it further. a;lksfjd;klasjdfga I want to sleep!--listening to music until I do...

----(9:25 am):I woke up terrified, but I don't know if I was screaming in real life or not. I had weird dreams. I had a dream where I was getting out of the car with my mother, and she was walking toward our neighbor's house while I was walking across the street for some reason. A guy came out of nowhere and ran straight for my mother and grabbed her purse. I chased after him and he pulled out a gun o shoot me, but it turned out he was a teenage kid and the gun was this thing that shot weird pebble things at me. It hit but didn't even hurt so I kept chasing him. He ran into this house (his house, I figured) and he stopped and went to give back my mom's purse. Up close, he looked like Michael Jackson in his younger days. So we went back and i was in my house until I notice that my window lock thing was broken and the glass part was weirdly flimsy so that it would open to reveal that the screen was also missing. wtf? So then I was in the kitchen, but it kept breaking and so I went back in to look outside. the suburban setting was replaced with a giant red barn and I was looking at it from the side. It was snowing and there was a creepy giant pink bunny with a green bow standing in the snow. It moved and I was like O_O......O_O and so I kept telling myself that it's just made to operate like that, probably on battery. Then it came toward me and I closed the windows and pulled down the blinds. It kept tapping on the glass and I screamed.

So I actually didn't fall asleep to music. I just got cheap and thought about how much energy it wastes. I slept at 3:00 am probably. I'm still really tired now.

----(12:27 pm): I have successfully found and downloaded via torrent albums by The Tallywood String Quartet for a ton of different bands. I downloaded the albums for: A Perfect Circle, Coldplay, Muse, Incubus, Tool, Nine Inch Nails, Foo Fighters, Linkin Park, Massive Attack and "Pictures of You" by the Cure. Next, I went to look for part of Tracy's b-day present. I also found this link to listen to a
decent amount of DJ Tiesto music.

----(3:29 pm): Conversations with jialiya also yields several interesting things. The longest word in the dictionary and the longest name for an english-speaking place, especially the definition of that name:

A longer version, Taumata-whakatangihanga-koauau-a-Tamatea-haumai-tawhiti-ure-haea-turi-pukaka-piki-maunga-horo-nuku-pokai-whenua-ki-tana-tahu, has 105 letters and means "The hill of the flute playing by Tamatea — who was blown hither from afar, had a circumcised penis, grazed his knees climbing mountains, fell on the earth, and encircled the land — to his beloved."

----(8:41 pm): I went to a mexican grocery store with my mother and then to harris teeter so that we can get stuffs to make lotus root, pork belly and shrimp salad. We also picked up things to make tacos with and I made a beef taco with swiss cheese, sour cream, iceberg lettuce (ugh), tomatoes topped with mango and peach salsa. the salsa was awesome....and I think I should've made a mahi mahi taco with pineapple, avocado, blue cheese and the same salsa because we definitely have pineapple and avocado...we can easily get some blue cheese and we just bought mahi mahi from harris teeter two days ago, so I doubt it's gone now. *sigh* my mom doesn't find the idea of a fish taco too appetizing. I'm now chilling with Anthony Bourdain on my TV. I then got so bored that I started to add tags to all my flickr pictures.
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July 8th

----(7:46 pm): I woke up at 10 am today before my alarm rang, and I'm weirding myself out again 'cause I slept at maybe 3 am. I don't think my body wants much sleep. No weird dream this time, but I woke up to the smell of nice food, which I didn't instantly investigate. Instead, I lied in bed for a really long time, until after I finished Will & Grace. I had a lunch with a bowl of rice and chicken and vegetable stir fry thing. It was goood, I tell ya. Anyway, I went online to look for unmentionable things and got bored quickly. I then ate again and had tacos for a snack. At around 5:30, my mother asked me if I wanted to grill some ribs that we've been marinating since last night. It was pork ribs in a korean pear and apple sauce. The flavors soaked through overnight and it was delicious after it was done. My mom also used the accessory stove next to the grill to make some spring rolls. We also tried to max out our usage of the grill by grilling some corn on the cob that's still left in its leaves and silk and things. However, the rain started to pour, and we didn't even have time to cool the grill and put on the covering. *sigh* It was sad...and it would've been a hilarious site if I wasn't one of those involved. i ran in with the done ribs and started to construct an amateur's plate to photograph for my flickr. I put a mango and peach salsa on it--the same thing I used for the taco. It's very versatile; I'm glad I bought it over traditional salsa.

Afterwards, I enjoyed a spring roll. I tried to slice it in half and made some kind fo a presentation, but I then found that I probably need a sauce as a base to build it on. Either that or I have to get some leaves of lettuce and scoop some fish sauce in a bowl on the side with pickled carrots and sauteed peppers. Not going through that much trouble for plain old spring rolls, so I refrained. I've put up pictures on my flickr page. Enjoy. Until later when I can't sleep.

----(8:41 pm): LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL , and even more can be found here. I especially love this one 'cause the answer is not an answer...it's an opinion. I wonder who asks these questions sometimes. This is even more priceless:

Yes God does heal people. In the Bible God heals people like He raised Lazarus from the dead He made the lame to walk and caused the blind to see. He still heals people today through prayer. I personally know people who have been healed by God and left doctors speechless.

and my response to that is....this girl. I also especially love this question with this particular answer:

According to the Mormons, God came from Planet Kolob.

Just in case you were wondering, the above statement is true. But sometimes, certain questions just astound me. I shall make that flurry of low IQ better with a rather interesting article posted on a joint blog by two of my previous teachers.

----(10:02 pm): Watching "Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern" and looking at pictures of food on the internet. I finally found a decent set of food pictures and even more with chocolates as well. There's also a series of Michelin restaurants, which I shall check out later, though it seems that there are bad color casts on a lot of the pictures. I guess it's inevitable when you're in a restaurant that has annoyingly low lighting. Enjoy.
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July 9th

----(3:30 pm): I woke up this morning at 8:50 to prepare for the trip to the eye doctor. We did a new test today before they dilated my eyes. My doctor does his usual check of my retina, without any annoying photos this time. Afterwards, he found that I have a slight visual field defect and scheduled appointments to get blood tests and additional testing at the hospital. I'm getting annoyed and tired of the tests; I think that if it wasn't so important to my future and perhaps the ease and happiness of my future, I'd give up this damn eye right now. However, I want my eye, so that's not gonna happen. Next Thursday, I am required to wake up at 6:30 am to get testings. Well, I went back and started on a beef stew either eaten with egg noodles or with french bread; we're using egg noodles 'cause I am craving it. So I started with lemon grass, then added seasoned beef that's been in the fridge to absorb flavor for about two days. Then after a while, I added onions, one can of chicken broth, filled the water up to whatever my mother told me from last night, and then let it simmer until she comes home. I then peeled and cut carrots to be added later. Later, after the carrots have been added, I was told to add a little sugar and then season with salt and cut it off 5 minutes later. Yay! I've finished successfully. I'll take pictures for flickr later when I eat. I'm watching a documentary on the titanic disaster now. It's pretty interesting considering they've basically narrowed it down to the crappy iron rivets in the hull that might've been carelessly mixed with too much slag.

So I started to look up vietnamese foods that I like on flickr so that I could have a presentation of dishes and fruits that I used to eat on my blog for when tracy returns. I've promised her this for a while now, so I should do it while I have some time and is VERY bored.

1) banh beo; a really awesome dish that is completely flawless. I'll eat this everyday if I can. I like to eat it with what they call "wet filling" made with shrimp and pork belly with added crab roe coloring powder thickened with corn starch. "dry filling" is a ground dried shrimp with a soy bean paste. Further explanations are here.

2) goi ngo sen: lotus root salad...which I usually enjoy with shrimp, pork belly (yes, there is a pattern to my favorites, isn't there?), fried shallots, crushed roasted peanuts and herb called rau ram. The version pictured had shrimp, lotus root, green jackfruit, what looks like pistachios or very very putrid peanuts and some herbs that I can't identify. Hmm...tracy might like this version since I remember her liking pistachios. this version takes rather nice pictures. Enjoy.

3) sugar-apple and soursop: they're in the same family. My mom loves these. You can't get them fresh here. They made a candy version of this in little new year's candy containers. I usually get it mixed up with the ginger candy. Called "mang cau" in vietnamese.

4) rambutan: also called the hairy lychee by me. It's good...very good...tastes like a meatier lychee. Called "chom chom" in vietnamese.

5) dragonfruit: melony and sweet with an awesome, crunchy texture. I love this, too. Never had the yellow kind. Called "thanh long" in vietnamese.

6) langsat: Don't remember how these taste, but I know my mom loves these, too. Called "bon bon" in vietnamese.

7) guava; I fairly like these, too...they taste like crunchy pears. Something better is the korean pear. Called "oi" in vietnamese.

8) jackfruit: some of the best things in the world if you eat it fresh. I think it's among the less-liked fruits, along with durian? Although I don't think it's at the kind of pariah status that durian is. Called "mit" in vietnamese.

9) mangosteen: I like these, too....though I can't remember how they taste 'cause I haven't eaten one in 10 years. Called "mang cuc" in vietnamese.

10)rose apples; or, according to my mom, saigon plums? wtf...anyway, she said the plums you see here were called "dalat plums". I'm guessing it has to do with where they were usually found. Saigon is more tropical...so it makes sense. My mom said I've had these, but I do not even vaguely recall putting anything like that in my mouth.

11) longan: most asians here know about these pretty well. It's among my favorite fruits. Called "nhan" in vietnamese.

Time to break for this awesome picture

12) star apple: My favorite fruit EVER. I've had the green kind only, I think, but what I've had was consistently and AWESOMELY GOOD! It makes me really, really, really happy. I haven't had this in 10 years...They call it "vu sua" in vietnamese.

13) durian: I think it might possibly be the stinkiest fruit I've ever had. I wouldn't agree with andrew zimmern about it tasting like rotten onions, though. What my mom does sometimes as a dessert my mom would mix crushed ice, avocado, sweetened condensed milk and durian in a blender. Okok, I know what you're thinking, but it comes out to a nice, light-green, thick....cream? It tastes good, I swear. Anyway, Durian is called "sau rieng" in vietnamese.

A HA! See.....other people eat this!

ok, mabe I'm not finished, but this is a drink that my mom likes a lot, which I fairly like also. It's basil seed drink.

----(6:57 pm): I am having a funny conversation (so far) with Reb...and it's spawned from me giving him a "kindest" award on my top friends application while I was bored yesterday. Remember? Or did I not talk about that? Idk...this post is getting to be waaaay too long. Anyway, here's what I wanted to show you:

"reb": apparently, i'm a nice guy.
me: not really
me: who lied to you?
"reb": idk. it was this random girl named ha thien
blackfalcon1477 (6:55:30 PM): ah
me: hmm
me: that girl is trippin', yo
me: wait I did that wrong
me: *ahem*
me: that gurl be trippin', yo!
"reb": i like how u assume gangsta talk and then take pains to correct yourself.

and for the gold...

"reb": wait....stacy is a senior? i thought she was a junior. and yes, i know mine too

----(10:40 pm): I've been so bored that I started to wash the dishes more frequently...like maybe up to 2 times a day when it gets to be too much....and I wash it all before 10 usually. I find it alarming that it's only 10:40 and the dishes are done and I feel like I'm "staying up late". TRACY!!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?! I'm so bored that I'll look for anything on the internet to keep myself preoccupied. As proof, I present to you...

me: *sigh*
me: you know
me: I'm thinking that flickr cannot have enough good pictures to last me for another 16 days
"stacy": lol
"stacy": you're sad haha

I'm so bored....so bored....I have no idea what else I can do. All I've been doing is just looking up pictures on flickr by typing in names of random dishes that I like. I've even set up a list of fruits up there...but I'm still bored. I never knew talking to Tracy on AIM took that much of my time. I also never knew that talking to Tracy in real life took that much of my time. It's sad 'cause I'm used to interacting with a person so much...that I just miss them so much when they're gone. Blah..so I went on Tracy's flickr and decided to keep her preoccupied for a while after she gets back by 1) typing this humongous blog post and 2) looking for a ton of pictures for her to look at and say "wow...ha thieeeen.....you have no liiiiiife..." For some reason, that sentence was played out in my mind in a something similar to Fez's voice from "That 70's Show"

*headdesk*
*headdesk*
*headdesk*
*headdesk*

So now that I've defined how sad my life is....I shall continues to say that my brain is rotting....ROTTING! I guess I should put the final touches on my ctops packing...and maybe start looking for more pictures. My next subjects of target are "kendo, aikido, katanas/swords" Then I shall look at nice wooden furniture...though people usually can't photograph that interestingly most of the time.

martial arts: first, second

weapons: first, second, third, fourth, fifth
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July 11th

----(7:18 pm): So i just forgot that I forgot to read the next little letter. Hehe, I guess I was so preoccupied with my doctor's visit and annoyed with having another early one the following week. Anyway, I shall read it after I type about ctops. Well, let's just say that ctops was REAAAALLY tedious. First, I was put in a group, health professions, and it was a group of rather awkwardly boring people. We didn't talk to each other, and the people that did talk didn't have anything to say. There were some really nice people, though, but I guess we just didn't bond well. Well, i was trying not to hang out with stacy too much, but....it's inevitable and we did end up hanging out 'cause we were really bored. We didn't skip sessions like we wanted to. Correction, she got to skip one session; I didn't skip anything, even though I planned to skip the whole day. *sigh* I PHAIL as a badass student. All I did was used extended time to carefully plan out my overloaded schedule. I am now looking forward to an 18-hour semester, the most anyone is allowed to have a semester, and 1 hour more than anyone is allowed to have in the first semester. However, if I took French 203, then I can have an extra space so that I don't have to apply for an overload. I think my decision about languages has been made. Either that or I can't have two lab classes and I have to switch out bio for organic. Or it can mean I have to do both so that I can take physics 116 at the same time. However, the good news is that I can take an organic chem placement test and place into organic I, maybe even organic II if I study well. *sigh* I have to study now. I'm definitely not going to read the summer reading book. eh, I won't study anything I don't know, 'cause I don't want to be wrongly put into a class. I'll go over my notes and my labs/tests/quizzes. Anyway, I played scrabble with some people and I was winning with legitimate words, yet they used words like dumbo and ikea and got major points. ugh. I'm disgusted now. Anyway, I also didn't talk much to anyone, except for my attempt to talk to this awesome korean guy named...well, his name is Kun, but he told us to call him "Gan". I don't know why. Half my group wanted to do pharmacy, and it made me feel a whole lot better to know that I'm waaaaay ahead all of them in chemistry. Gan is ahead, like I am, but he isn't applying for pharmacy school. I had a moment where I thought it would be more beneficial to get a chem BS first, but now that I've thought about it and talked to my mother, I think I should just go for the PharmD and then maybe go on to toxicology lab work--if I decide that I would like lab work more.

The room that stacy and I stayed in looked decent, and the beds felt ok, only they were creaky. At least they're still better than ncssm's. Isn't that sad? Well, I think I am looking forward to my room next year, and I hope we have enough room for a couch. That would make me REALLY happy. Stacy said that her sister Lucy got a room at Duke last year where both Lucy and her roommate each had two closets. Yes, TWO closets. Do they really need that much space? The information sessions were boring, I saw some people from Concord that made me awkward the whole time. They weren't even people I would call my friends...just the kind of acquaintances that fake a smile when you see each other. God, as I'm typing this, I'm so sleepy that I keep zoning out. I have to say the food is ok, better than ncssm, but I'm afraid that if I get a meal plan, I'll have to pay more money than I should. I don't want to spend too much in college. >.< I don't know!!! I don't want to pay a giant loan later....you know? Maybe I should apply for more scholarships. I'm just...worried. I don't know what to do. I'm getting a headache...I'm sure it's the fact that I had to wake up this morning at 6:50 to take a shower. The curtains were too small...and there were cracks between the curtain and the two sides of the walls. I was paranoid the whole time, especially with so many people! Well, Tracy came onto IM, but I didn't have my laptop. It's such a shame....'cause I didn't even get jialiya's calls so that I can tell jialiya what to type. *SNIFFLES* I've been waiting to see if she would get on IM again, but she hasn't. I'm so angry at myself 'cause I could've gotten my own laptop configured as well as talk to Tracy 'cause I would've gone back to the room. I probably wouldn't have attended the show that the Orientation Leaders put on and would've been on AIM. *sigh*Well...needless to say, those two days were a waste of gas money. However, I got a free laptop, so I guess it paid for itself. Until later. I'll probably wash dishes now.
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july 12th

----(7:33 pm): I woke up at about 12:30 and found out that my dad has changed the network key to our internet. Guess why? Well, he said he keep seeing some strange computer show up on his network. I never thought to ask what the computer's name is, because I assumed that he was smart enough to know which one's mine and, therefore, his worries are well-founded. Well, it wasn't. The internet has been weirdly spazzy, but I guess I never drew the correlation between the times I've been kicked off and the times he's been on the internet. Well, it turns out that he's been kicking that "mysterious person" off the internet for fear of them stealing important information. You know where this is leading, right? Well, he figured it out and the torture has been stopped for my laptop. I then received a check from NCSSM as a return of my deposit after they've taken the $50 (DUH) for my room. After much getting angry and a lot of weird "God, why didn't you ask?!" kind of questions, I stopped to eat lunch. Afterwards, I started to get into sudoku, which is a new obsession instroduced to me by Stacy during ctops. I was never interested in them until now. I guess this is the latest thing to keep me busy until I get tired of life again. I took a little break about an hour ago to take a shower and has resumed playing again. My mom is out buying flour for making another one of my favorite foods, banh gio. Yeah....it's hard to describe seeing as how we're making it for the first time either tonight or tomorrow. My dad and sister are at the pool at my cousin's house near Charlotte. He asked me this morning if I wanted an iPod for my birthday. Then when I showed hesitation, he said, "or whatever else you want". Now my mom is telling me that we must make the food tonight 'cause she's afraid I'll sleep-in like I did this morning and, therefore, won't help her. *sigh*. My reputation precedes my efforts to try and wake up early like Tracy asked. Well, it's not like I told my mom that I'm trying that out. Hehe. I have to go eat dinner and then make the banh gio now. WE have sooo much food, I don't know why she's doing this. I think it's 'cause my parents feel bad about my health problems and is trying to "cheer me up" (though I don't know why that's needed) via foods and stuffs? O_O Yeah.....no. If they can bring Tracy back, that would be nice. Until then, I don't think making me fat and happy would make me any happier about the next 2 weeks. Until later.
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july 13th

----(1:42 am): So I've decidd to try out marching band on top of my 17 hours of classes and also try for organic and switch out chinese for french in order to do so more easily. *sigh* Well, I have a lot of work to do, but I still feel unsure about it. I'm not sure if I can do all that sometimes, you know? I don't like to take french, and I'm sure it'll be much worse, I might ever have to drop down to french 105. Another worry of mine is, "what if french isn't 3 hours as I thought? What if it's 4 hours? then I have to switch out bio for organic. That would set me back about 4 hours anyway. In that case, I might as well just take chinese and then add physics on top of it. I'm up so late now even though I'm tired...because I got even more bored and my head got tired from trying out the "evil" level sudoku on websudoku.com and has been watching bleach instead. I was trying to read hunterxhunter but realized that I've already read all that, so I flipped through the channels on satellite and found the dubbed bleach on cartoonnetwork. Afterwards, I went to look for the last episode where I left off...about 6 months ago. I've been watching it up until now. I stopped to let it load and decided to pause for the moment to blog a little. I have so much to do in preparation for my college plans, but I haven't the determination to do it. I guess I'll wake up tomorrow and practice until I have to go to charlotte, at which point I'll start to read over my organic notes and redo the problems on my tests. I'm not sure what else to do since cramming new information is just going to screw me over in the future and not studying enough makes me worry that I won't get the class. I'm also worried that I won't get a 1st alto part in the band, assuming there is such a thing for this year's show. I couldn't find a band representation so I don't know what to do yet. I still have to email Dr. austell tomorrow to set up my placement test. Following that, I'll have to email the band director to ask about band information since I couldn't find a person at the info fair. *sigh* Doing a lot of things discourage me. I'm more of a minimalist in terms of doling out effort. Oh well, it's time to start trying for what I want.

I'm still bored as usual. I'm beginning to confirm my hypothesis at the beginning of Tracy's absence--I will not get used to her being gone, even if she is able to get used to being away from me. Nope. It's like...ripping an arm out. I feel sort of dysfunctional, only not that drastic. I feel like I'm missing a huge part of my dailu life, but I'm coping by occupying myself with a lot of other things. My birthday is coming up soon. I doubt Frances would remember, and I doubt Stacy will remember unless she logs onto facebook. I know Tray will remember, or so I hope, but I won't be able to know. I know my parents will remember, but that's 'cause they're been remembering for quite a while now. They seem extra eager this year about my birthday for some reason. It's as if I went away to ctops and missed a giant memo about my parents being replaced. It's creeping me out a little. I'll take pictures of the banh gio that my mom and I made tomorrow. More like I made the filling and mixed the "dough" ('cause it's not really a dough, it's corn starch) and my mom wrapped and steamed it. I don't think it's supposed to be made with corn starch, but I guess it works well as a substitute 'cause it still tastes good. It's one of my faceorite vendor/snack foods. Come to think of it, most of my favorite foods are vendor/snack foods. I think that, in retrospect, I've been raised very badly 'cause I have a poor idea of what healthy food should be. Oh well, as long as it tastes good. *sigh* I guess blogging more and more won't bring Tracy back from Japan, so I'll just go back to watching bleach. There's still no change in my eyesight. Stupid.

----(2:34 am): Time for a much needed rant that I've been refraining from for a while now. Refer to my blog post above.

----(4:05 am): I am full of energy, as I always am after being angry. I can't sleep and my eyes aren't even tired anymore after that lengthy post above. I am watching bleach again, but was thinking about when I watched "avatar" and how the previous one told Aang that when he is at his most powerful (in the avatar state) is when he is also most vulnerable. First of all, yes....please take time to get over the fact that I watched avatar. Continuing on, I was also thinking about how that is very true, and I am just absolutely amazed, as I always am, of how often that concept shows up in real life. Yes, yes.....simple concepts can easily amaze me. I think I've stopped being angry at stupid people now. Every time I come down from my fits of anger, I understand wha tmy mom always means about the absolute peace of not being angry. I always thought that it would be difficult but it's actually very calm. Or is that my sleepiness setting in again? Oh dear...I better sleep if I want to send those emails and practice my scales and endurance/breathing. I'll probably get on the organic studying before I pick up the saxophone, but eventually I'll be able to force myself to practice. I didn't even practice when I was still in band..... >.< I have a feeling I'll fail at this.
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july 14th

----(12:10 am): happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday dear lonesome. Happy birthday to me. I think the only present I want cannot possibly get here. Well, heh....my mom said that we'll get a cake from Washington DC for me--that bakery that my aunt buys from every once in a while. They make nice cakes. The first thing I think of is "let's take a picture for flickr!" Heh. Tracy likes those cakes, she'd like to see it. Of course, I won't get that until the first week of August, so it'll be much later. For right now, I feel just as normal as ever, maybe a little bit worse and most years. You know....I might've found the one person who'll remember outside of my family. The one person who won't need facebook to tell them what day they should post on my wall. And yet, they're not here. What a sad life, eh? In 3 days, I will hopefully find out what's wrong with me, and put it to rest. I'm worried. I tell myself all the time that I'm being a melodramatic asian, but even my parents are bracing themselves in case the bad option is the right one. Whatever. Life is life and it's an ass sometimes. I have a feeling though that everything will be ok :) I think it's the first time in a really long time that I'm being optimistic. You know why? It's the first time that I feel like optimism is going to get me to a place where I'm much happier. Haha, no...I still hate it under normal circumstances. I'm just hoping that there is nothing wrong with me, nothing significant, because it would be a shame to find something that you've been waiting for...and then just lose it. I've been waiting for this one thing for a really long time. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I hope that I will have the honor of keeping it for a very long time. I sometimes think about it and find it so important to me--this thing that I have--that if I was to lose it...all I would find myself doing is...nothing. I see myself plunging into hard work, finding a replacement to devote my time to. I think that this has been the best relationship that I've had with anyone, not just a significant other. Maybe I'm still the bitter person that I am, but not when I'm with them. I think that my only wish--and I don't care if anyone knows this or not--is that I get to stay with my little bunny for the rest of my life. That is my birthday wish. I hope that "the rest of my life" will be a very long time. You can only make one wish on your birthday, right? That wish is enough. :D

Happy July 14th, everyone. Happy Bastille Day, France.

----(7:50 pm): conversation topics

me: why do our conversations revolve around drugs and money....
me: or a combination of the two?
"jialiya": and alcohol
me: haha
me: that, too
"jialiya": and our prospective college majors
"jialiya": and sex
me: those are awesome topics
"jialiya": because those 5 things are the best that life has to offer

----(11:22 pm): I have been playing sudoku. I also washed dishes, as always. I told myself I would study for organic chem and practice on my sax today, so I'm not even sure what happened there. Oh yeah...I got lazy. Well, I would like to proudly announce that I finished my first evil sudoku, in 13 minutes and 41 seconds. I'm still "below average" seeing as how 59% of the sudoku-playing population is better than I am. Oh well, time to hone those sudoku skills. It's nice, 'cause it feels like this is making me think more quickly. I like that. So right now, Jialiya needs a distraction from coding and has asked me to start a conversation with one of those topics above. So I started the conversation with hookers. I wonder about our sanity sometimes.

"jialiya" (11:22:43 PM): but do distract me with some talk about our usual topics plz
me: so
me: how about those hookers?
"jialiya": lol
"jialiya": they lookin fine up in that street corner

tednmiki is this couple that I just found when looking up "congee" on flickr. They seem to have been a lot of places and their food pictures look decent, though half the time not the style of food pictures that I prefer. Enjoy.

"jialiya": fuck you now i'm hungry
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july 15th

----(2:02 am): It's official. After a week of trying to be on my best behavior, I'm back to the wonderful, yet unhealthy and seemingly immoral world of late-night tv-watching and blogging. I don't know what I should be doing right now. If I could, I would me waking up right now, talking to someone I love dearly. I have to say that for hte past few hours or so, I've been reading about flashes and what is normally recommended for price and all-around good performance when used on a D80. Results have shown me that for a well-priced powerful flash, I should look to the Sunpak 383 and for a heftier price--almost double the money--I can get Nikon's SB-600 and continue with my Nikon fixation. Seeing as how they're not that cheap and I'm freaking out every day about college costs and the debt I might be in once I get out of college, I've decided to hold off on it until I find myself in a better financial situation. *sigh* Sometimes I honestly wish that my family was more well-off. Then, I could satisfy my occasional needs and dote on people I love. Well, in my world, doting is unnecessary, but should be done whenever it's within my powers (within good reason, of course). As for my occasional needs (which are really wants), I should put those aside for later. When I was little, I never imagined the giant list of things that I wished I had, but then again, I wouldn't have been able to imagine the list-cutting skills I've developed. So guess what? In my exciting home news, my dad put a bunch of old computer parts and circuit boards underneath a tree in our backyard to be disposed of later. Guess what happened when Kannapolis had a run-in with a thunderstorm? Ta-da! You guessed it! That exact tree was struck by lightning...stripping a line of bark off the side of the tree from the top down. It's not a small tree, either. Well, at least we can rest knowing that lightning won't strike the same place twice! That doesn't necessarily mean that I can sit under that tree and start talking on the phone anytime soon.

You know, in Frances news (I haven't really talked about people for a while), I think it's about safe to say that the effort put forth by either one of us to stay in touch is really pathetic. I know, I know. I'm horrible with keeping up with people, but then when I think about it....why doesn't she put forth an effort to keep in touch with me? In the end, I think it's a vicious cycle, and eventually one of us has to break the ice. I'm sure she's talking to pinkie, though. *sigh* You know, I never thought that was gonna happen to us. The whole "replacement" thing. Well, I didn't really replace her with anyone...because my situation is quite different than hers. I'm sure that to her, it's the same.....unless she's not as clueless as we everyone else. I'm not even sure if everyone else is clueless, really. I think it's more like "nah....hahahaha, I don't think so. It'd be waaaaay too obvious to assume that." Well, for those of you who know what I'm talking about, ASSUME IT PEOPLE! This is about as close as I will probably ever get to to announcing that. oh well. I don't think people are missing out, especially Frances. We tried to tell her, really...well....no. If I said that I was really trying to tell her, I'd have to admit that I was lying. I didn't put forth much effort, but that's 'cause I fear the consequences. As lazy as I am toward keeping in touch, I would not like to lose Frances. I'll miss her a lot--and I mean A LOT. My first roommate, and possibly the biggest contributor leading up to my happiness as right now. Congratulations, Frances! You know....I'm making to many typos and mistakes right now that I feel like I'm drunk. I swear, I'm not. I can't be. It's some strange stream of words that keep coming out....I think it would feel better if I was intoxicated, but not much. Oh well. While we're on the topic of drinks (which I just had to fix 4 times 'cause of typos), let's send some to Tracy via facebook application called "Top Friends"!!!! Yay!!!!

----(10:23 am): WTF. I just had a nightmare about Neill. I was sitting in a room to study or type up a paper or something, until it started to rain, so I had to pack up and run back to another building for some reason. So I ran to the building after I took a few pictures or something and went to the other building. It started to drizzle and I then realized that I forgot my laptop. I ran back to get my laptop and I went up the stairs leading to that room and I saw Neill halfway up the stairs. He saw me and ran up there, and I freaked out, 'cause my laptop was up there, and it was suspicious that he ran away from me. So I chased him and he grabbed my laptop on the way and ran next to a window. He opened it and I got even more freaked out. He was angry at me or something and suddenly I realized it was a letter that i had aparnetly written to him in the dream world, I started to calm him down and told him that I wasn't trying to hurt him or something like that, but he was an ass to my roommate? I have no idea what I said, but then he threw my laptop out the window anyway, and I heard it shatter on the ground. It was pretty high up, 4 stories, I believe. So the weird thing was that I was upset that my laptop was gone, but I wasn't really angry with him for some reason--probably 'cause he looked hurt. After that, I went away, but felt sorry for him, and it was weird. I woke up and immediately called Stacy, 'cause I blame her for this. XD Well, I had a feeling I woke her up, and she was like "wtf, ha thien? Why did you have a dream about Neill? I haven't even had a dream about Neill, I don't think."

----(7:25 pm): I'm looking at the collection of the most nationalistic and disillusioned videos ever. However, some of them are nice. They are the Beijing Olypmics videos.

torch ceremony song--in My Heart

Beijing Welcomes You--I like this song...it apparently features 100 artists from mainland and Taiwan alike.

Jay Chou's song

A digression from olympic videos

Jackie Chan's Olympic commercial

Zenima commercial: a pretty cool one

Official Commercial

Lux Aeterna: cool song, jialiya said vid and song didn't match well.

Rowing: getting to the boring ones...I'll stop to look at the fencing vids now.
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July 16th

----(1:45 am): I'm sleepy...but again, I can't sleep, so I'm trying to look up the most mundane things. I looked up info on the new movie for the television series "Avatar: The Last Airbender" and it seems a bit much. They signed on M. Night Shyamalan to make a live action of the series due to be leased in 2010. i wonder who's gonna be the main characters. However, my point here is that live action of a popular kids' show is rather lame, and is a sign that the film industry has run out of good writers and idea because it's being overrun by idiots. Well, not idiots, just people who are creatively shorted, 'cause they're resorting to kids as a targeted group audience.

I am also typing a response to Tracy's post from long ago, which is a response to Marie's post, which I have not read. Anyway, it will be up above, since I expect it to be lengthy.

----(3:30 pm): I'm hoping that this isn't getting too lengthy for Tracy to read...or any normal human for that matter. Anyway, Stacy's sister, Nancy, recently befriended me so I was looking through her groups ('cause that's where I always start when I want get to know someone a bit. She was in the group to protest Guillermo Vargas' repeat exhibition of what he did in 2007. While I think it was unnecessarily cruel, I do agree with his point:
Vargas himself refused to comment on the fate of the dog, but noted that no one tried to free the dog, give it food, call the police, or do anything for the dog. Vargas stated that the exhibit and the surrounding controversy highlight people's hypocrisy because no one cares about a dog that starves to death in the street. In an interview with El Tiempo, Vargas explained that he was inspired by the death of Natividad Canda, an indigent Nicaraguan addict, who was killed by two Rottweilers in Cartago Province, Costa Rica, while being filmed by the news media in the presence of police, firefighters, and security guards.
Like I believe, and have said before, as much as some people like to believe that they are righteous and good, they simply are not. Being a bystander is just as bad as being a participant. Not that I'm saying you should be apathetic like me, just that you should stand up for what you believe in, but understand that mankind is not as good as you think it is. Supposedly, he signed and endorsed the petition himself, so he can't be that bad. I don't think it's right, but I don't think it was right for the group to call it "art" with quotations. It was meant to cause a reaction and make a statement, and it did just that.

----(5:33 pm): I was reading a "pro-choice" vs "pro-life" forum on a group that's against abortion laws and anti gay marriage laws. Basically, it's your age-old argument, between some "not so open-minded" peoples of both groups (in this case more so for the pro-life argument) and som weak/bad arguments. I just came up to my favorite "pro-life, pro-america and american freedoms" quote and I just have to post it and say that this has got to be my least favorite, stupidest, most narrow-minded and immature/blindly-patriotic argument ever. The sad thing is I see it quite often in these kinds of argument. *heroic voice* "Killing my fellow americans is WRONG! Killing innocent Iraqis in the process of killing unidentified terrorist is TOTALLY RIGHT!". Here is the quote:
I dont want or need your respect. Just like i dont want or need the respect of Osama bin Laden. I just want both of yall to stop supporting people who kill my fellow Americans.
HAHAHAHAHA If you want to read the whole argument, read it here here

I understand his argument, though...if they are pro-choice, why do they support laws that restrict other people's choice to molest or rape or kill? Well....That's where it's iffy, I think...the issue of whether or not you're infringing on that child's rights to life. Eh...i don't want to speak on that, 'cause I intend on making the best choices...unless I'm raped...then I'm going to take every measure I can to stop a baby from coming 'cause I don't want to have a child before I'm ready to take care of one. Personally, I'd like to have a child with or without having a man's face attached to it. I'd like one, but not when I'm unable to give it everything it needs to have a fulfilling and happy life. Whatever. Whatever happens happens....and I would totally understand if my parents had aborted me. *shrug* They'd both have decent lives, I think. But anyway, like I said in another post, not everything can be "wrong" or "right".

----(8:53 pm): so I've been looking at the "beijing welcomes you" video again and I've recently looked up this guy, named wang lee hom. Well.....I started to look him up 'cause I thought he looked nice in the video, so....yeah. So far, I've only liked one of his songs, 'cause the style is more to my liking and also 'cause he used a classical guitar. :DDDDD His hair in that video is nice, too...I think I have this thing for bangs...I also like this song 'cause it sounds familiar, and it sounds like something I've liked since I heard my dad;s cd a long time ago. HOLY FUCK! There's a Kenny G version! HERE! His voice is also better in the Kenny G version....haha, or maybe that's biased. On that note, did you know that Kenny G taught himself to play sax, so he plays with the wrong embrochure? Look at how he plays his sax to one side...my band director said that it's probably the reason why he plays soprano and not alto or anything else often. He's more comfortable playing like that and it sounds better on soprano.
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july 17th

----(9:15 am) Damn....I just came back from the tests...and it took a freaking long time. Well, I had an MRI done that took an hour. It kinda bothered me a little 'cause my legs were asleep and then the music wasn't on half the time, like it was supposed to be. The machine was loud, I was sleepy and cranky 'cause I couldn't move. At some point, my forehead was itching and I had no track of time, so it bugged me that I didn't know when I was going to finish. It smelled like hospital ('cause it was one) and I hate hospitals and their smells. It didn't help that after that I had to go wait to take a blood test. There were a lot of people and they're all old. No offense, but that's all I've been seeing outside of my family. I'm getting tired of the waiting rooms and old people. I'm just cranky from lack of sleep. I couldn't sleep last night *sigh* I want to take a nap now 'cause my head hurts.

One question. What is so great about girls with "big boobs" WTF? Not that I'm like...flat-chested and bitter, I've just been wondering 'cause you would think that people wouldn't find it very flattering. It's basically a bunch of fat. Then again, a magazine I read a while ago was talking about how we naturally pick people who have the right physical attributes to create the perfect offspring that would strive. Granted, that means large mammary glands, but...come on...I don't pick people for their large muscles and virility...and neither does a lot of people I know. God....chuck norris scares me....Walker, Texas Ranger *shudders*!

----(8:47 pm): So I'm watching Law & Order SVU but I guess that's the first sign that I shouldn't be angry at the defenses that people try to come up with, 'cause they are bound to be stupid in one way or another. So these two people killed other people in the same way that they killed hookers on the game. This guy, who was diagnosed as being a narcissistic, cold-blooded adrenaline junkie and the girl who he was banging (and who believed he was in love with her) are going through a mental defect defense caused by game-playing? WTf...ok. Tracy and I had this conversation a long time ago, and Bob and I had another conversation about the same things. Music and games do not facilitate anything....neither does porn or weapons. While I don't agree with Bob's insistence that everyone should get a weapon...I think that people kill people, not guns. I've listened to violent music, I've played violent games, and I get a rush from shooting guys in the arcade games. I don't kill, I don't even hit people with my bare fist when I'm angry. Please, don't be pathetic and hide underneath technological products. Anyway, they were also trying to prove that the games were addicting to him through a PET scan performed while he was playing the game--to show the increase in dopamine levels. They were making the mistake in comparing the game to "addictive, dopamine-releasing drugs like heroin and cocaine". What makes those things addictive is not the onslaught of dopamine on the brain, it's the onslaught of dopamine paired with the blocking of dopamine transporter molecules. Usually, dopamine is released and the transporter molecules take them back up and after a while, the receptors would no longer be stimulated 'cause the dopamine would be removed. With the transporter molecules blocked, what happens is that there's a giant onslaught of dopamine 'cause since no dopamine is taken in and more dopamine keep being released, eventually there's a giant concentration in the synapse and it creates that "high" feeling. Every normal thing you do that makes you happy releases dopamine. It's your body's "feel-good drug". According to what my anat/phys teacher said, the "happiness" of cocaine is about a thousand times the happiness you get from say....passing a test you studied really hard for. I think what happens next, if I remember correctly, is that the brain tries to compensate and brings you down from the high by reducing the dopamine receptors in the other neuron in order to lessen the stimulation from the dopamine. as a result, the next time you want to get that high, you have to take more. The joy and rush from a video game is not that complex. It doesn't do all that. It can't be compared to drugs like cocaine and heroin. Get real. that lawyer's defense was based on ignorance, it seemed, and it made me angry even though it's just a show.

With that rant out, I'm taking a shower...meanwhile, I stumbled onto a website with a lot of torrents links for movies and shows. Blah. Enjoy? I haven't checked it out fully.

----(10:47 pm); I'm so bored that I've finally gone down to my last defenses......reruns and fanfiction.net I'm so ashamed of myself....but I have nothing else to do. While we're still eating some stuff that we cooked, we're not going to cook more things. Leftovers! Yeah, I'm not that excited about it. we have a lot of food that is eaten with rice, and I'm getting bored of rice and such....so I haven't been eating very well. I considered making ramen at 9, but then it was 9, so I though it'd be better not to eat. I'm trying to go back to not eating after 8 or 9 or so.

----(11:44 pm): Through a spoiler search (for the outcome of Iron Chef America: symon vs rubino) I've found the blog of pastry chef alex stupak on the episode. He seems to look down upon "uncreative food" but I while I've never tried his restaurant, I trust that whoever wins the competition that day made "better tasting" food. However, I am VERY much looking forward to a meal at WD~50 and I can't wait until I can do so. I think I find Wylie Dufresne one of the most interesting chefs I've seen on TV. Heh. Have fun. I intend to read his blog to know the inner workings of a WD~50 chef.
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july 18th

----(3:43 am): Completely bothered by the Tibet-China issue, I've decided to look for answers on various websites, looking at what people have to say about it. Since, in my opinion, the history of Tibet and China is still clouded in mystery and China has not allowed foreigners into Tibet....I can only be enlightened by those who claim to know it. I am judging based on what answers seem to encompass a lot of unbiased answers and the person who cites their sources--providing that sources look legitimate. So....with that said, I came upon an interestingly peaceful group of people, though I feel some of them lean toward the China side and a few are, I assume, Chinese...I still think that there's one guy that did his best in explaining the Tibet-China past and current issue. They were on, where else? Yahoo! Answers. Normally, I don't consult these websites for answers to questions like this, but the answer that caught my attention is the lengthy one down below. He cited his sources and though one of his sources was quite sketchily not there (with a notice of it in Chinese) I still feel like you can take lots of parts of his presentation to be true. So far, that's what I have, coupled with this article on the Dalai Lama's current position. Australia has nothing to gain/no heated position on the Tibet issue, so I think I can trust it as a good source. Btw...I don't consider the US media a good source for anything, especially when the subject in question is one that they are not allowed to access. I believe that the US media can sometimes fall prey to hearsay and I generally don't trust most US media to be an unbiased source. the Yahoo Answers page also raises a lot of good points. What does China have to gain from holding Tibet? If it released Tibet, what threat will it be, especially if they claim to just be peaceful Buddhists who want their own country? My om always told be to approach a problem with the philosophy of "there can't be smoke without a fire" and so I think there is definitely more than the "Tibetans are peaceful, Chinese are violent commies" argument. Oh please....if westerners still think that China is still hung up on its communist ways (not that I'm saying communists are bad, 'cause that would be opening up another can of worms that I don't agree with) then people need to wake up and stop living in the past. I think it's greatest objective is to grow economically and gain more influence. If they're any good, I would think they'd want to stop the outsourcing as soon as possible, 'cause I think it's actually kinda putting them at a loss, if you think about that they *could* gain from getting paid properly. That's the thing that tips me to the Chinese side. Why would they want to keep Tibet? It is economically and politically in the past. No gain. No asset. It's even causing trouble. So until that problem is answered in my head, I will still choose to believe that Tibetans are probably not as peaceful as they seem. That's not saying I'm against eh Dalai Lama, 'cause that's a whole different thing. To me right now, Tibet has become so separated from the Dalai Lama that it's possible that they've deviated from whatever peaceful views the Dalai Lama set out in the beginning. It's like Ho Chi Minh never intended for his new country to be corrupt and for Vietnamese communism to mean what it means today. It's like the telephone game. To me, Tibet-China is similar to US-Iraq. How positive you are on either side depends on your opinion of the matter and your definitions of what needs to be done and what is right. Notice that this whole time, NOTHING I talked about relates to the Olympics. So my point still stands, no matter what I think about Tibet, that boycotting the Olympics is STUPID and badmouthing China is IGNORANT and I believe that part of the bandwagon also comes from the fact that Americans follow their celerities too much. Do research and develop your own stance. Whatever it is, if you've done research, then I can't tell you that your opinion is wrong. If you haven't and have just been relying on the news and your friends and your celebrities' opinions, then I suggest you take a deep look at yourself and ask, "Am I a mindless clone" I also didn't mention another question I was having for the China side....I was sleepy...why doesn't china let reporters into Tibet?
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july 20th

----(1:07 am): I guess you're wondering where july 19th has gone? Well....I don't know where it went, except for the fact that I just woke up late....ate....I don't even know what that was since it was at 2...and went to my cousin's house. AFterwards, I went back and watched Saw II while missing the Sozin's Comet premiere. I caught the other one at 11 pm and it ended about 7 minutes ago. I don't know what to do, except to study for my organic placement test. God....I don't know how to study. I don't know what to study. I'm so horrible at studying! Two weeks from now, I'm going to a vacation that will take me away from studying until I get back on the 11th--after which will be my move-in for band camp, which will take time until the 17th and I'll probably only have the 18th to study if I did study. Idk....I am just confused/lazy. I'm also very unhappy right now that it seems like it's been forever and Tracy isn't back. *sigh*. Tomorrow, I'm gonna have to help my mom clean and cook and some time next week is my permit renewal, so I better review my road signs. Eh.....lots of tests. I think I want to play sudoku. On the plus side, my dad fixed my left arrow key.

While in this state of confusion and despair....I managed to look up pictures of Rodrigo Santoro! Yes....I got so bored that I actually put a person's name into flickr instead of putting a food name. Well, he wasn't the first person I put in....I put my name in first, then Tracy's. It yielded weird results.

----(2:31 am: I was googling frances and found this--scroll down to see Frances :D
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july 21st

----(2;57 am): I found the acoustic version of Jesse McCartney's "Leavin'". We determined that he looks rather pained when he sings and that he learned how to control his voice a lot from when he was singing his older stuffs. Stacy and I then went to look up Dream Street after she asked me what boy band he was in when he was little. We looked at "It Happens Every Time" and determined that Dream Street was just a mini-BSB. I then looked up Barbie Girl while Stacy brushed her teeth and got ready for bed. Then I looked up Rodrigo Santoro and found this interview of him. I don't even know what he's saying....but....it sounds nice. >.< and looks nice.....>.< T_T

To stop myself, I went and looked up Sam's old school.
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july 23rd

----(8:30 pm): You know...I think that I've watched so much Law & Order SVU that I've desensitized myself against idiots. Hahaha. So I was watching an episode about white supremacists and neo-Nazis. So what happened, basically is that three children were targeted and two were jews while one was a black boy adopted by nice white parents. So while the satellite was out due to thunderstorm, they somehow traced it to this elitist group. It's a bunch of stupid people who believe that any minority in a position of power is put there by affirmative action. There were also comments from the supremacist white guy about how white people of power who support the minorities has got to be there 'cause they're jewish or are friends with the jews. Haha. Well, I didn't know if I was supposed to be angry at those comments or be amuse that they're at a new level of stupid. Haha. Well, I think I've definitely been desensitizing myself. Now, if only I can do the same with my dad, I don't think I'll have nearly as many things to get angry about anymore. Well, back to organic chem.
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july 24th

I've been watching my old high school's marching band. Granted, we're nowhere near the Blue Devils, whose members are not even 10 years older than us, but my freshman year was glorious. Renee found a video of our next to last? or maybe 3rd to last performance. It was glorious to watch and remember the hard work that we put forth for that season. We were so intense. Then it stopped in the following years with the disappreance and shameless ditching of Mr. Morgan. Now I'm looking up 2007 DCI Championship videos, which are on youtube. I'll just save you the trouble and link it below. The Bands, by placement, are as follows:

1st Place--Blue Devils--"Winged Victory"--known for their showmanship
2nd place--Cadets--"This I Believe"--the inspirational show of this year
3rd place--The Cavaliers--one of the only two all-male corps. My second fav drum corps. I want to link to their awesome 2006 show Machine.
4th--Phantom Regiment--dubbed "drum corps' classical music identity" and my favorite corps, probably 'cause of their music choice and their "wall of sound". Makes me excited.
5th place--Santa Clara Vanguard--only corps to qualify for every DCI championship. Not a big fan of them, 'cause they just ehh....idk....

I'll stop here so I can help with cooking. :D enjoy. "On Air" is the nicest one....actually....I really liked the Cavaliers this year...maybe more so than Phantom, but Phantom is still a favorite.

----(6:01 pm): So I think I've recently become interested in this new singer named Mika....from London. I especially like, I think, Any Other World (second track). He's really chill....and it sounds like oldies....and some of the songs remind me of Jack from Will & Grace, like Love Today. Haha....so....some of it is not my cup of tea, but some things sound oddly classic....like those types of songs that my parents listened to, like Billy Brown only that is very....not-kosher.

bizarre foods

I've been watching bizarre foods...and while I can't cite the street vendors of the various parts of asia he visited, I can still cite the better known restaurants.

Number One Restaurant--I have to say that besides this part--where he went hunting and brought his scottish pheasant in to be cooked in the kitchen--I didn't think the UK episode was interesting at all.

The Spain episode, however, was incredible.

el bulli and, of course, the wiki article to further advertise how hard it is to get in. I'll try my best, though...every year that I can afford to go, until I can get a reservation.

Harrods Food Hall

jewel bako for sushi and sashimi goodness.

El raco de can fabes