response

to Tracy's post

I lie a lot, but I would like to believe I lie in order to protect. I guess if you look at it in another way, I like to benefit myself, 'cause in the end, if I'm lying about myself, then I'm lying to protect the people I love AND to keep them close to me. That has always been a rather conflicting issue within my mind...and I don't expect to be able to resolve that conflict any time soon. in retrospect, when I've lied to people, I've usually lied about myself. I've lied about my past, and I've lied about what I've done or where I've been. I do not, however, like about who I am. I believe that as long as I can keep who I am as honest as possible, then I would be reassured that people who love me are loving me for who I am. I said love, but I guess I should say "care" since I believe that only maybe 1 person outside of my family can ever love me at one point. Why? I view love cynically and carefully, only declaring something love after that person's gotten to know me and I've gotten to know them. I digress.

I do believe that you can survive by only telling the truth. I also believe that it'll take a rather strong person, with a strong sense of moral responsibility and awareness...something I don't have. I only feel those toward people I care for, and even then it's not 100%. I know someone, she's been a long time best friend of my mom's. She and my mom met in high school...and my mom used to tell me these stories about how her friend was always (still is) so honest that sometimes my mom just has to wonder if she likes to be stepped on and taken advantage of. It's a sad sight, and it's a rather unhappy life. She's a teacher....a poor, kinda struggling high school teacher in vietnam. Boy, talk about a non-rewarding job in the most inconvenient place. If you're gonna be a teacher, at least be one in china...they get treated better. My mom told stories about how her friend got stuck with the checks, how everyone would always ask her hard questions 'cause she always answered honestly. If she ever had to give a bad answer, she'd give it and apologize right away. Now, her husband is injured permanently from a car accident and is bitter--and taking it out on her. He used to be a nice, sweet guy...until he could no longer properly provide for his family. Her son steps all over his mom, too. She only gets to talk to my mom once in a while, when her son lets her borrow his computer. God, if I was her, and I had bought that computer for my child, I'd beat him down when he denies me the right to use it. Anyway, that is the life of an example honest person. Correction, she is both honest and timid. I also believe that it's totally possible to live an honest life without being too self-sacrificing, but I can't imagine that being too fulfilling, either.

I would like to think that I'm craftier than people perceive me to be. If you think about it, I can even say I'm calculating...if I used that power for evil. As in...I think of every move I make, like I'm playing a chess game or solving a puzzle. If I make the wrong choice, I can lose. Even when I answer a question, I think about right and wrong, regardless of whether or not there is one. I think of the answer that is right, and if not, I think of what people would like me to answer. If I choose to deceive with the intention of hurting, I think I'm totally capable of it. Sometimes I look down upon myself, I think, because I know what thoughts I've had and what I am capable of if I chose to act that way. However, I guess if I think about it in a broader sense, everyone is capable of doing bad. I choose to use my cautiousness to keep myself from people like myself. I like to tell people to stay away from the deceptive, calculating people (mostly vietnamese women).

I am a firm believer of "guts" because I think that if you're a good person, it will always lead you to the right place. With that said, the right place isn't always the safest place, nor will it be the most comfortable. If your guts lead you to trouble, at least you meet your end doing something you truly believe in, not something you did just 'cause you're trying to escape the consequences. Idk, guts, I guess depends on how you interpret the word. If guts tells you that your lover is cheating on you, when in fact you're hallucinating....that's not guts, that's craziness. That's irrationality. I can't say I've mastered this, but for some odd reason....even if I can't master it, I at least know what I've supposed to do. Or maybe I don't. I don't understand sometimes how I can assess my own emotions, shortcomings, and look at the sources and causes...and yet I can't stop myself from doing things that I disapprove of. On that note, I will make my final point.

Truth is subjective, and there can't be a "wrong" as long as you're acting on instincts. Society dictates "right" and "wrong" and you can just as easily change it. Like a pedophile, I think, is perfectly within his boundaries to think some kid is attractive, and act on that sense of attraction. If the kid was older, or if it was demi moore....it won't be wrong. My definition of wrong is when your actions hurt someone else. So in my eyes, they're wrong. If they had the same set of morals, then they'd think it was wrong, too. A Community is a group of people with similar sets of morals and within that community, there are common rules. You can never get someone to completely live within your boundaries and you can't let yourself do the same for someone else. I think life is a compromise...where the extremes or differences neither mesh nor clash.

As for sacrifice....I'll sacrifice myself for anyone I think is worthy. Worthy to me is just a simple, good person. A good person is a person that tries to never hurt someone else. Yes, that's right, I'd like to believe that I only sacrifice for certain people, 'cause that makes my sacrifices for them more special. Nah...I can see myself giving up my life for people who I don't know as long as they're helpless to defend themselves. That's my way of making my life fulfilling. Happiness is not the same thing as "fulfilling". 'Cause sacrificing myself for others will not coincide with my ultimate goal of happiness, to be with the person I care for, living comfortably and out of the rumblings of other people's lives. For me, the ultimate choice comes down to "fulfilling" or "happiness". I believe that when people start to look for happiness, they start to look toward pleasing themselves. Otherwise, it's not happiness they're seeking, it's fulfillment. Both give you something completely different, the name of which depends on what word in the english (or some other language) dictionary you want to use.