I can't properly title this

I was watching Benjamin Button today, and it brought back all the things I fear most about death. It's not that I'm going to die wrinkly, sad, or even alone. It's not that I'll die painfully, or peacefully, though the latter would be great. Ever since my grandfather died not being able to remember anyone--including himself--and ever since I learned that it's genetic, I became increasingly afraid. Sometimes I think about the future, and about what I don't know, I get excited, but I also get kinda sad. I always thought I'd die before everyone I love, and I always thought I'd like to do what I want and when I go, I'll go. It's not that simple, it seems, and it's kinda selfish even. It's not that I'm horribly morbid, or that I'm depressed; most days, the more I think about it, the more I'd like to live longer. I want to know if the people I love have lived happy lives and for one person most of all, I hope I'll be there when they leave. I hope that I'll get to hold their hands, kiss their eyes, and even lie next to them. When I think about Alzheimer's again, I just hope that I'll still remember them. For another, I wish that wherever I will be, I'll see them before they die. I hope they'll have remembered me if we haven't kept in touch. I guess...when it comes down to it, only two people matter. Sad that my life's meaning is reduced to two people. You would think that I'd have more but then I guess when you get to know me, it makes sense otherwise.

Sometimes I close my eyes and I pretend that my life is not the way it is. The brightest spots in my life are even dampened by technicalities. Bah.