/Mar/

ehhhhhhh. I have no idea what I want to type, I just want to type something. Maybe I should be studying? Maybe I type when I'm stressed. I honestly don't know what my stress defense mechanisms are. I often do not know how to recognize that I'm stressed. I don't think I am. One day this stress will be gone. I was talking to Travis the other day about death and how I think it's one giant, restful nap. God, I wish that was the case; how wonderful it would be to finally be able to nap for as long as you can. Travis thinks it's pointless nothingness since you have no consciousness and, therefore, can't enjoy or even be aware of the fact that you're "resting" or "napping". Is that right? Sometimes I wish I could just take a break from everything. If only there was a day when everything just stops and stands around, in limbo. I think that honestly I only look forward to maybe 2 things at the start of each day:

1) sleeping again
and
2) .....hmm....yeah.

Two things, is that too much? So my birthday was celebrated the other day, with F and P. It was a nice surprise...haha, leave it up to P (and maybe F) to figure out that the best surprise you can get me for my birthday would be well...yeah. Hah. God, I wish I was more materialistic, then I can be just as happy over a pair of shoes. That is to say, I would have more happy moments like that.

I had a stats exam today. Boy, I have never been that unhappy with an exam. Anxiety has never been a major part of my post-exam plan. However, it seems like I have no choice here. Anxiety over things I have no control over. You know, for someone making good grades in that class, I don't think I should be so nervous. Geez. But I am. What can I do?

I have been bouncing back and forth between eating good food and eating blah. By blah, I mean things that either makes me sick afterward, or things that make me wish I was sick because it did not sit well in my stomach. On that note, I tried bubble tea at Chill Bubble Tea last night, while wandering around Franklin St, and I realized that while two different bubble tea shops might both opt for the powdered bubble tea, that does not necessarily mean that both shops' avocado bubble tea will taste the same. Damn was that the worse avocado "shake" I've had. The other shop was Ningyo Bubble Tea, or something. Means mermaid? It's on Hillsborough St, in Raleigh. They were so convincing that I thought they used real avocados for their shake. We saw powder later, but damn was that some good shake. I recommend it. The extra money is worth every drop.

a and b

a voice: perfect pitch, lovely tone, fitting tempo--a symphony for my soul
a silhouette: soft edge, warm hue, charming--a fleeting touch
a quiver: in anticipation, for you, for proximity
a sigh: for truth, which will remain...
a fact that you and I will never...

b.

Everything comes in pairs

"We were given two hands to hold, two legs to walk, two eyes to see, two ears to listen, but why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else for us to find."

LOL

It seems my internet etiquette has gotten out of hand. Dear, dear...my lack of expression of tone makes everything complicated. Bah...now this is going to amuse me for the next few days, I assume. Usually, despite my emotions and honesty, I am pretty good with making sure I'm not an ass in reply to another person's blog. My own blog, I might not care, but another's blog I do care. God, I feel like an ass now. However....this has made me want to check for more comments to my posts. It's so rare, those comments. I could be ignoring several different people right now! Think about all those unfinished and possibly interesting conversations...

On a completely random note, I want to try out several different places: Carrboro Farmer's Market, Cliff's Meat Market, The taco stand in this article, some of these places, and 411 West's sister restaurants. I shall also make more of an effort to buy from Weaver St. Market, though this poor college student can't make that guarantee.

How many times will I edit this tonight? Read. it's good. I can only hope to be this beautifully eloquent, but I can't. Bah, I lack the means to express what I feel.

Ahhh...I can't believe I've forgotten to post about this kid: Sungha Jung--fingerstyle guitar rocks. Travis insists that he's not that great, but if he can appreciate rock bands who pull out repetitive arrangements of chords--sometimes in more than one song--then I don't know why he can't appreciate this.

God, I gotta stop thinking so late at night

I can't sleep. So tonight's segment is--unfortunately for those of you who torture yourself with this excuse for a blog--my regrets.

There are quite a few things I am regretting at this moment. I think the biggest one of all is that I couldn't do a better job of being a roommate. You know, I think that will continue to be one of my biggest....not regrets, but....mental obstacle. It's like...I'm not sure how to describe it. It blows my mind to know we're so good with each other while managing to be completely out of tune at the same time. I don't understand why one of us is out looking for a fitting roommate while one of us is constantly adding things to the "omg, I want to pull my hair out sometimes" list. It kills me to know I'm so much better now but I've somehow managed to screw up my first and probably only chance two years ago. Fuck me. Sometimes I think to myself, "Why were you so stupid?!" The stupidity lies both in the fact that I acted like an "iduiot" and the fact that I willingly let them go. Ahhhhhhhhh........Sometimes I wonder if their decision really was as spur-of-the-moment as was conveyed to me, or was the decision more of an "Ahhh...I want to pull my hair out sometimes" thing that was drawn over a longer period of time. Sometimes I wished I had been more selfish and said, "No...I DO care greatly about you not leaving. I DO think that you'd love to stay," instead of spewing all that crap I didn't believe in. You know...the kind that said, "Well, I think that you should move out if that's what you really want," or, "Do whatever makes you happier." Ah. I guess on the other hand, I never really could believe that I would be the happier choice. There was no indication save some rare moments of pure contentment--during those second/third trimesters. Screw all the annoying natures of my personality. Screw it all. It sucks to be lying in a room at night while your current roommate is sexing it up with her significant other and you are on the phone with a sleeping one of yours. On top of that, it sucks to be thinking about how you could've had a better one had you not fudged it all up two years ago.

Well, no use griping about it now. Sometimes I wonder if we're not roommates now because of the more extenuating circumstances currently surrounding my life. If so, I regret that I would never be able to choose between the two. Ahh...who knows. Wondering would only make my nights more agonizingly sleep-deprived.