God, I gotta stop thinking so late at night

I can't sleep. So tonight's segment is--unfortunately for those of you who torture yourself with this excuse for a blog--my regrets.

There are quite a few things I am regretting at this moment. I think the biggest one of all is that I couldn't do a better job of being a roommate. You know, I think that will continue to be one of my biggest....not regrets, but....mental obstacle. It's like...I'm not sure how to describe it. It blows my mind to know we're so good with each other while managing to be completely out of tune at the same time. I don't understand why one of us is out looking for a fitting roommate while one of us is constantly adding things to the "omg, I want to pull my hair out sometimes" list. It kills me to know I'm so much better now but I've somehow managed to screw up my first and probably only chance two years ago. Fuck me. Sometimes I think to myself, "Why were you so stupid?!" The stupidity lies both in the fact that I acted like an "iduiot" and the fact that I willingly let them go. Ahhhhhhhhh........Sometimes I wonder if their decision really was as spur-of-the-moment as was conveyed to me, or was the decision more of an "Ahhh...I want to pull my hair out sometimes" thing that was drawn over a longer period of time. Sometimes I wished I had been more selfish and said, "No...I DO care greatly about you not leaving. I DO think that you'd love to stay," instead of spewing all that crap I didn't believe in. You know...the kind that said, "Well, I think that you should move out if that's what you really want," or, "Do whatever makes you happier." Ah. I guess on the other hand, I never really could believe that I would be the happier choice. There was no indication save some rare moments of pure contentment--during those second/third trimesters. Screw all the annoying natures of my personality. Screw it all. It sucks to be lying in a room at night while your current roommate is sexing it up with her significant other and you are on the phone with a sleeping one of yours. On top of that, it sucks to be thinking about how you could've had a better one had you not fudged it all up two years ago.

Well, no use griping about it now. Sometimes I wonder if we're not roommates now because of the more extenuating circumstances currently surrounding my life. If so, I regret that I would never be able to choose between the two. Ahh...who knows. Wondering would only make my nights more agonizingly sleep-deprived.