boucing ideas off of myself

The question was presented in a conversation of whether or not I am tormented everyday being around someone I l____ but who does not feel the same way. Well...I am tormented by it every time I'm with the person, but is it...too much? I find it amusing that everyone finds it too much for me but myself. Maybe I'm idealistic and a bit naive, but I can't see why they think so. When you l___ someone, isn't it that you always want to be around them no matter what? I mean, don't get me wrong, there are moments where I'm thinking "Ahhhh, fuck!" but to me it's never been "I gotta get away."

So this weekend I did feel like I was kinda unexpectedly slapped in the face. It's like....I came to a restaurant expecting to like it but then it gave me the grossest experience ever. I think that's the best analogy for what happened to me. Looking back at it and talking about it with T, I realized that I was absolutely stupid to have suggested that restaurant and sought it out for myself in the first place. Ahh....so stupid. There was this weird mix of self-loathing from when I'm pissed at myself for not being able to control how I feel. I mean, that's my strong point...I've always been able to keep in what I needed to keep in and flush out what I needed to flush out. Maybe it was the alcohol forcing the floodgates, but I just could not keep it together. I felt so disappointed in so many things I just didn't know how to control it. There were also so many things that have been kept in for so long that when everything else came out, it came out, too. ARGH.

Sometimes when I'm told that I should leave it alone for a while. By it, I mean to stop trying to beat myself with it until I get used it. I was offered a chance to go away to Greensboro for the weekend to just get away from it....I was offered a real chance and I didn't take it because I honestly believed that I can withstand it. I have mixed feelings about how I fared...which means I did wish I can get away but I'm glad I didn't do that and I'm glad I faced it how I wanted to.

What do I like about this? About you? I'm asked this every time and every time I answer the same. You know me, you make me laugh, you make me comfortable. Your smile instantly makes me feel good, you make me feel good, being around you makes me feel good. I can't imagine not being around you. It seems silly to me that you didn't know so.