don't you hate

those sleepless nights? those nights when you've got a lot to think about and thoughts just jump at you from nowhere?

it's almost like I want to quit life. quit everything. quit and just sit there in a corner, waiting for it to end. I've been wanting that. I want it to all end.

I want the taunting to stop. I want to be free of everything. I want a day where I don't have to think about anyone else, or schoolwork, or someone's else's dreams for me.

I want someone else to think for a while. I want they to go sleepless for a night while I tuck away on my bed, carefree until I have to wake up again. I want it to be finished. For once, I want to go to sleep feeling like something was completed, feeling like I can just fall back on my pillow, close my eyes and sleep will come to me and make me better.

I want someone else to care for a while, to be mystified by me, to be pulled around by me instead of the other way around. I want someone to lie awake dissecting my words and action, wondering what I'm thinking, what I want, what I want to feel.

I don't want to say that my life is devoid of caring and affection, 'cause it's not. I just simply want someone to be in my place, doing what I do, so that I know there's someone out there doing the same things for me.

hmm...

hey, long time no see. I'm watching a movie, and well....that means I'm thinking a lot. I'm watching "he's just not that into you" and I'm thinking about the guy that seems to be leading to cheating on his wife at this point. I.....I guess it's bad, but I guess I sympathize. it's not just that I've done so. it's just......I don't think I believe in loving only one person forever. I guess then I sympathize with the person who doesn't believe in marriage. I think.....there are people who you need in your life because they're good for you, and then there are people who you want in your life 'cause you think they're what you need. holy shit. I can't decide if I believe in loving someone forever or not. I.....I can see myself loving someone forever, but....idk. BLAH. UGH. why do I always think I'm thinking something awesome with like....an epiphany and then just.....it fizzles out.

So what I've been thinking about is the categorization of my relationship. what is it? I....had a talk with my mom. She said something that kinda stuck to me. (paraphrase from Vietnamese)"If you want something, and even if you don't think you can get it, you should just go for it. It's all or nothing. Doing things halfway would just make a mess."

I...I can't do that. I can't dive in. I can't make any of it happen. I know I can't. I KNOW I can't. Sad. Sad. Headdesk. There are no rules for relationships. There aren't any signs put up telling you where to go. There's no trail guide telling you to "take the hedgebush, and not the hazelbush." I've done all I can. AH. Is it so hard? Is it so hard for people to be definitive? For them to put themselves out and say "yeah, I want this. Yeah, keep going. No, don't keep going." or even a "Yeah. that's right. I like this, but I don't like THIS."

Then sometimes I think it's me. I think....wow, maybe they've given me all the signs of "go away. keep out. nono, that's enough," and I'm just so persistent and disillusioned that I just didn't hear. There are so many things I think I see, so many things I don't think I should see, so many things that I might not even be seeing at all, but just imagining. I'm imagining it. That's right. The first step to recovery is telling myself there's nothing. Nothing is going on. Nothing is...it just isn't.

it sucks

when you can't say what you want to say. it's almost an aching feeling. a huge headache. so stifling.

why does it have to be this on top of everything else? I had a weird dream last night. It's not a bad thing, just not a good thing at all. I should probably go back to having nightmares. That should be better.

hey

hmm. yeah....idk what to say, blog. so I guess I'm done. I think I just needed to say something. Alright, have fun.

epic fail

So here's the update on my life.

A while ago, there was this guy that I liked. I did something stupid with him (not sex) and now he....I guess he talks about it when he's drunk. It finally made its way to someone whose opinion matters to me. The story here is that, whether or not it's a big deal to them, it's a big deal to me. It worries me. I don't want to seem.....idk, the only word that comes to mind now is "loose" and I don't think that's the right word. I'm not....casual. I'm not! I mean, I just went ahead and directed honest questions at them, just.....asked if they thought less of me now that they knew that I did. I mean, it's not even what I did, it's more like...what I let someone else do (not like....stupid pictures splayed on the internet or anything like that. I'm stupid, but not *that* stupid). Anyway, the point is that I asked. I haven't gotten a reply yet, and boy is it killing me. Although, their initial reaction seemed to be a bad one, idk....I hope that I didn't just disappoint one of the most important people in my life. Ah....I can't seem to do anything right. I just act on impulses that lead to stupid things.

Blah.

On a side note, I guess....a hefty side note. I was also told that this boy--as sweet as this is, it's still pretty unfortunate--that would leave his girlfriend 9this happened before current gf became his gf, and school (which, I guess, means that he'll move back in-state to go to a crappier school (still ok, I guess 'cause he's an engineering major and NCSU is good for engineering) for me. for. me. I....hope I don't ever have that effect on anyone. I mean....my current sigfig would give up those huge things for me, but....this boy....isn't even with me. This is what he would do, if I...told him I would reciprocate his feelings. I don't want that kind of value/weight/responsibility. I'm not....fit to appropriately make someone happy. I'm just...not. you know? My skills are pretty much related to material things, like cooking, cleaning, academics--they....they don't say anything about my emotional/relationship qualifications. I don't know....I don't know! I don't know.

If you're wondering why I'm so....beat up over this, I guess I should tell you that this is a guy who...values his career. He would put the career first and the family second. He's someone who's told me that he would never give up a promotion or a faraway job just because the person he's with has asked him to. This is someone who doesn't get the point in having a family, who doesn't appreciate clingy-ness. This is....someone who is detached, but apparently is attached to me.

It's like...it scares me when every time he gets drunk, he talks about me, or calls me, or thinks about when we were together (which wasn't even togetherness, it was more like a casual thing to keep us away from getting into heavy emotional things, but still keep us....together?). I....I'm not worth that kind of torch-bearing. I'm not that kind of...idk...I don't deserve it 'cause I don't feel the same way, and I don't know how to feel the same way.

Blah....Worries in the am always take away my sleep.

Complicated

just heard this song by carolyn dawn johnson?

I'm so scared that the way I feel,
Is written all over my face
When you walk into the room,
I wanna find a hiding place.
We used to laugh, we used to hug, the way that old friends do.
But now, a smile and a touch of your hand,
Just makes me come unglued.
Such a contradiction, do I lie or tell the truth.
Is it fact or fiction,
Oh the way I feel for you.

So complicated, I'm so frustrated.
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it.
Should I tell you how I feel.
Oh, I want you to know.
But then again I don't. It's so complicated.

Oh...just when I think I'm under control.
I think I got a grip.
Another friend tells me that, I'm always on your lips.
They say I'm more than just a friend, they say I must be blind.
Well, I admit that I've seen you watch me from the corner of your eye.
Oh, It's so confusing. I wish you'd just confess.
But think of what I'd
be losin', if your answer isn't yes.

So complicated I'm so frustrated,
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel.
Oh I want you to know, but then again I don't, It's so complicated.

Oh, I hate it. 'Cause I've waited.
So long for someone like you
Oh, what do I do.
Oh should I say it.
Should I tell you how I feel.
I want you to know,but then again I don't.
It's so complicated..
It's so complicated..
It's so complicated.
Ohh..

she says

Sweet is the side
Of her room
Window open by candlelight
How would you know
Cold winter on the shore
Chills a dress she wore
It’s on the floor
It feels so warm today

And that’s why I’m wondering why
You had to tell me
What’s goin’ on in your head
What’s wrong
Come around to another time when you
Don’t have to run

And when she said she wants somebody else
I hope you know
that she doesn’t mean you
And when she breaks down and makes a sound
You’ll never hear her
the way that I do
And when she said she wants someone to love
I hope you know
she doesn’t mean you
And when she breaks down and lets you down
I hope you know
that she doesn’t mean to
Yeah yeah…. I know it

Swing into flight
Over hills
Over her hills it’s twilight
Yeah, I guess that’s right now
While we’re here
Tell me why It’s so funny
That you’re so funny when you’re mad
Always so mad, so mad

And that’s why I’m wondering why
You had to tell me
What’s goin’ on in your head
what’s wrong
Come around to another time when you
Don’t have to run

And when she said she wants somebody else
I hope you know
That she doesn’t mean you
And when she breaks down and makes a sound
You’ll never hear her
The way that I do
And when she said she wants someone to love
I hope you know
she doesn’t mean you
And when she breaks down and lets you down
I hope you know that she knows
She doesn’t mean you

Yeah and I don’t know where
Come and find me
I don’t know what
We’re coming to and
And I don’t know what
It means to me
And you don’t know what
It means to you

We’re over now
Yeah

desperation

so you know that feeling you get when you are browsing through a shop and you see something you really want? and then you think to yourself....eh, I'll get it when I get back home and look on the internet for a better price? and then........you find out you can't find it that easily? or at all? and that feeling comes....where you're starting to see something you really want, even if it's just for the moment, slip away from you?

OH MAN. that feeling is BAD.

I guess, even though it takes a long time, I feel this way about people, too. I see someone I appreciate a lot, and I feel like I HAVE to keep them, no matter what. It would explain a lot of the stubbornness.

I think everyone would like to say that someone's perfect for them, even though they know that it would never work. you know? in them, you find that one quality that you've been wanting, or know that you will want/need to keep your life so...balanced....and then everything else, or maybe just one thing, clashes. then comes that same feeling again....that feeling where you're so afraid of them slipping away in your life that you'd like to keep them as whatever they want to be and everything else is accepted and you rationalize those certain things.

maybe I'm the only silly one that does this, but I can't help but feel that everyone else does it, too.

that out there, someone else is doing the opposite, even. I'm glad I know what I want, 'cause there are people who spend a lifetime with the wrong person....I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. too many opposing thoughts derailed my train, I guess. I guess now I want to say that I hope I don't spend a lifetime looking just at that one quality. If I don't get over it soon, so many people will be unhappy.

ARGH

sometimes I could only wonder how amazing happiness would be if only....it would stop circling me like a lion does a fresh carcass and just...

why play this game?

It must be really frustrating to be with someone who's unhappy over someone else.

I guess in this way, I'm not good to anyone. "Stuck in limbo," you might say.

sorry, I lied.

stop. start. stop. start.
If someone was to ask what I honestly feel during those moments that you do not like. I pretend that I don't dislike it. My pretense works like those words above. Sorry, that I can't pretend to not want to do things for you all the time. Sorry for something I cannot help. If I was to be sorry for everything you disliked, I would simply be sorry for everything I am. That fact is simple. The fact that you can't stand to be around me anymore is simple. Sorry it's not enough. Sorry that sorry is not enough. What other sorries to I have to be? Sorry that I never told you my disappointments? No, in case you might actually have wondered, I'm not disappointed that you're not interested. I'm not at all. In case you were wondering, I am happy with what I have and I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world, except for maybe what you can never give. I understand that. Perhaps you didn't understand what I'm not disappointed at. Perhaps you misunderstood that I have expectations. No. I don't. I hope, I wonder, I think. Tell me someone who doesn't think about the "what if"'s in life and I'll tell you that I think they're in denial. I think about it, I do not fantasize like some sick puppy waiting to be kicked again.

What did I value? I valued that I had a good time with you, that you made me better and not in the sick puppy figurative "oh, you fixed me and now I can love again" way. No. If you were even interested in knowing, I value you because I thought you were the first real friend I made and in a strange place, no less. You know, the kind of friend that you spend lots of free time with, that makes you laugh, and make you unhappy sometimes. You know, the kind that will actually matter to me 50 years from now. That's what I miss, and I guess if you were interested in knowing--I'm sure that's what I loved. No. I think that I am apart from the people who "loved" you before in that even as it sucks to be that way, and even if I shouldn't be that way, I still adore you. I don't think I'm delusional in pretending that the things you do to make me unhappy don't exist. I tend to think I can do that because they're negligible compared to the happiness of thinking about our friendship. That's right, friendship. I get happy thinking about friends. God, I get overjoyed thinking about a good piece of friend chicken. That doesn't mean I want to touch it, hump it, and bite it hungrily (well, maybe I will bite it hungrily if the mood takes me there).

Blase. What is that? I didn't know. "Apathetic to pleasure or excitement as a result of excessive indulgence or enjoyment."

If a therapist every ask me in one of those patient confidential moments, I don't think I would say loving you (that is, caring for you, not like twilight fans love "r-pattz") is an indulgence. No. The first two people (and I hope the last, 'cause I'm frankly kind of tired of it already) that I genuinely would give heart and soul to have drained every part of me possible. Caring for you has been the single most agonizing thing ever. No, not in the way that twilight fans are agonized by the fantasy of an edward cullen bite. No. It's agony on the level of "Why the hell am I doing this?" agony. No fantasy, no lies, no expectations...I can say I kept doing it anyway like a stupid fool. I say stupid 'cause I guess I now know I am stupid. Nononono, not that I *was* stupid, that I *am* stupid. Not stupid for what I feel, but stupid that I'm not angry. Stupid that I apologize for something genuine, stupid that I can't change. 'Cause honestly, if I can change for you, for me, for my family, for everyone's sake....please don't think that I'm so selfish that I won't change. Don't think that I'm so delusional that I refuse to believe I can change. Trust me, like Michael, like Tracy, like everyone else stuck in the stupid mess that I'm in, there is not a day that goes by where we don't think about ourselves and how much less our lives could suck. Well.

What else can I tell you? What other unadulterated, brutal truth that I can tell you or myself? I've told myself everything I ever could. Like a bag of stale chips, I've opened it, retried it, closed it back up again. I guess this time, the chips are too stale to pretend to close it up again like everything will be fresh tomorrow. Yeah...stale chips. That's what this is.

no more updates

I have no updates to give anymore. have fun with old feelings and worn out times.

/i give up/

this summer. is meaningless.

/if today/

If only for today
We were wrapped in emptiness
Where nothing thrives in its nothingness
We would merely be nothing
Together and untouched by the world.