home

I'm at home and I'm so unhappy. There's nothing to make me unhappy directly. Just myself. I feel so...guilty every time I look at my family. I suppose you won't understand that. But I do. I want to tell you. But I guess you're asleep.

Cowardice

Am I a coward or am I courageous? Sometimes I'm a bit of both.

Hmm

I am simply bursting out of my physical shell. I'm not sure from what....but I am sure I can't contain it any longer.

Maybe it's fat.

Haha

No...I'm joking. I suppose I was wondering if there is such a thing as "the true love"

Through a conversation I had two days ago, I was asked (since I was talking about experiencing this feeling of complete...knowledge) how I knew of that knowledge. I...I'm not sure how I knew. I wasn't even sure I knew for the longest time, really. I would like to think that I'm more sensible than that. That I won't be one of those "I saw and I just knew" people. I suppose I'm not sensible. I suppose I'm simply...weak. For now I can't be sure unless I hold on to that feeling, that knowledge...and just go with it. Hold onto it really tight and go with it. That's what I'm doing. Sometimes I feel it letting go of me for one reason or another. Sometimes I'm not really the greatest of persons and it's letting go as if it's telling me I should be better. Or perhaps it's the other way around and I'm simply telling it to hold on so I can see if I can dissuade myself. Either way, I hope that at the end I will be able to say that this was the one.

Meanwhile, I could probably describe to you that first feeling. Perhaps I'm romanticizing a bit, so bear with me, but it simply just dawned on me like a flash of light. It was so instantaneous and so revealing. I didn't know what to do afterwards but try to hold onto it for longer and longer. It's been a little over 4 years and I suppose I'm still trying. It all started with a handshake and it took me by complete surprise. So I suppose to answer that question from two days ago: I speak of it as if I know because I DO know.

Considerations

Just now, I had considered telling you:

"Even though I have my own grievances, I guess I was inconsiderate not to consider your grievances for me. You know that really common, cheesy saying that goes something like, "Anything worth having is worth fighting for," really hits home for me today. And I had considered that I insulted you by thinking that you didn't think enough of our friendship. I considered also that perhaps you're waiting for me to not be such a spineless jellyfish and own up to these considerations. I had not acted on these for fear of them being rejected. But now I'm confident that if I have put value on this friendship, then you have, too. And I won't insult you further. As my best friend, you deserve more than my pride and you should be past the argument of who's right and who's wrong. The only question of mine that concerns you should be, "Are you worth it?" And for me, you're worth...well, everything. My pride, my ego, my grievances because my friendship with you should be most important to me."

You aren't just anyone, and I can't afford to let this run on. Whether you'll accept that now depends on you. I would be lying if I said I won't be disappointed if you didn't accept. But at least after this, I would be able to walk away knowing that I told you how I felt. You should know how I feel already, but just in case. I've never had one before, so if I'm clumsy in my profession...well, then that's just what I am.