It's really funny how I never understand what our fights are about. I guess it's because you almost never give me a proper explanation before we stop talking. Most people--I would like to think this includes myself--argue, blow up, say all the angry things and stop talking because they are frustrated from yelling. I feel like most of the frustration I've ever felt were from silence. I really never understand why things end up the way they do.

After what happened happened, I felt pretty panicked. I felt like maybe there were a lot of reasons for you not to talk to me anymore. It was awkward, I said things that I didn't mean to say to you when I was not in the best mental shape. I don't know if you know, and I don't know if I ever said, but those things I said came from a pretty deep place of frustration. Years of pining for you and being what I thought was one of your closest friends and that night made me realize that a (so you've said) meaningless fling would come closer to being with you than I ever would. It's a pretty depressing place. Combined with the fact that it happened in front of me while my mind was already half gone and the anger, disappointment, hurt, whatever just took over. I couldn't even escape it, leave or close my eyes or something. I've already seen it, and there's nothing I can do to un-see it. I suppose I didn't have enough foresight to predict that perfect storm. With that said, I don't think those words accurately reflect the entirety of what I feel about you. Frustrated or not, you are probably one of the best things that ever happened to me. I've been asked why I think so highly of you, and sometimes I admit can't think of the reason myself. I just do. You're just the closest thing to what I've always envisioned as, well, what I hope to find out of a relationship--any type of relationship. I hope I've addressed that enough, I don't want to ramble too long.

I didn't know how it would change things. I didn't know if it would change for the worse like everyone else I've seen who liked you. I guess ever since I decided to tell you, I have always been anxiously waiting for my turn. I always thought "ah, when is it gonna be time for her to be afraid of me, too?" It was always lurking and I was always afraid of getting too comfortable with it. That's why I wanted to talk right away. I wanted to stop it before it can begin. I didn't think I was ready for it yet. To be honest, the talk was the most anticlimactic thing ever. I didn't know what to say, other than to be able to check your face when I tell you I'm afraid and I don't want you to avoid me. You didn't say much and I didn't know what I was saying. It was a bit of a disaster in my head. Not sure if you could tell then.

I just thought, maybe we'll just hang out in our free times, let it go back to normal and I'll never deal with it again. Or I'll just let you decide when you want to tell me what you're thinking. I didn't at first but I actually eventually believed you when you said you were busy since summer was nearing. I went on with my activities and then found out on hanging out with someone that you haven't been booked solid busy as you said. That was pretty disappointing. I felt pretty duped and gullible and naive. Started to feel pretty unsure and started to want to check back with you more, told you how I felt. After little to no responses came, I just let it sit for a week, two weeks, tried again a couple of times in the summer, a week, two weeks. I didn't find out you'd make it so final until I tried to tell you about something online and realized I no longer could. I don't know what happened really, but I got no explanation and a lasting impression of being lied to and avoided. So you tell me now how I'm supposed to feel?

Also, though I'm ok with how I feel and who I like, I'm not sure if I'm ready yet for the world to know. Sure they can suspect, ponder or even ask--but I'm not too comfortable with it going around without my control. I'm not even comfortable to tell P yet, but I felt like I had to after that comment was made and she talked to me about it. I don't like being forced to tell someone something that was supposed to be my decision to reveal. I don't like not being able to control when it was revealed and I don't like being uncomfortable about it. I generally don't think that's how those things are meant to happen. It was a little disappointing since it was obvious to me from the comment that its origin might lie with you.

Actually, though you can't control it, the comment itself was pretty insensitive. I don't "hit on" every girl I know and the it seemed to be leading toward that place. Maybe it's my misconception, but if it was leading to that place, then it came from a pretty ignorant place about the way those things work. Whatever. no one can control that and I've said my piece. So enough about that.

I feel like whether you choose to do something about this or not, I'd rather you know what I'm thinking than not know. I don't want things to possibly end on some misunderstanding. I was going to avoid having to make this conversation, but as school starts and you've already come up in conversation, I figured I can't avoid it any longer. It'd be nice to get a response, but if you don't feel inclined, don't worry. I won't be counting on it. I'm always up for conversation, but I'm not gonna force it or wait for it. If I hadn't made one final attempt, I would be stuck with the "what if"s forever.

Thanks for reading. If it is the last conversation I'll have with you--then it was nice meeting you.