Letter 1

I probably don't have time to post one a day. Despite being comforted by the suggestion that perhaps you did what you did for both of us, I just find that to be the most BS explanation there is.

If you care about someone, you hang onto them, not throw them away. I suppose my lesson from this is either you CAN throw them away or you don't really care. I find both to be improbable. I'm not sure which I should believe.

I tried hanging onto you for as long as I can, no matter how hard that was. I was thinking that maybe I just got too used to you. But no, I genuinely feel a sense of loss without you.

I thought maybe I demanded too much. No. Not really. I asked for whatever you can give. I didn't ask for you to return my feelings or anything like that. I ask you to at least be my best friend. I suppose even that's too much. I never once intended to try to change your mind. I thought, well...since I love her, I'll treat her how I think she should be treated. If she ever decides that I'm good enough, then that's my bonus. Sure you can say I was "pining". I'd say I was pining. What else could I call it? But I wasn't dependent on you changing your mind. I was happy with the way things are. You asked me once if I was happy. Was that your test? If so, I did knot that our relationship would hang on that one word "no". I'm as happy as I can be, but I stand by what I told you, I can never really be completely happy. I don't know how you want to take that, but that is what my answer still is. That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy your company. I loved your company more than anyone else's. I hope you know that. How naive if you ever thought otherwise.