ARGH

sometimes I could only wonder how amazing happiness would be if only....it would stop circling me like a lion does a fresh carcass and just...

why play this game?

It must be really frustrating to be with someone who's unhappy over someone else.

I guess in this way, I'm not good to anyone. "Stuck in limbo," you might say.

sorry, I lied.

stop. start. stop. start.
If someone was to ask what I honestly feel during those moments that you do not like. I pretend that I don't dislike it. My pretense works like those words above. Sorry, that I can't pretend to not want to do things for you all the time. Sorry for something I cannot help. If I was to be sorry for everything you disliked, I would simply be sorry for everything I am. That fact is simple. The fact that you can't stand to be around me anymore is simple. Sorry it's not enough. Sorry that sorry is not enough. What other sorries to I have to be? Sorry that I never told you my disappointments? No, in case you might actually have wondered, I'm not disappointed that you're not interested. I'm not at all. In case you were wondering, I am happy with what I have and I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world, except for maybe what you can never give. I understand that. Perhaps you didn't understand what I'm not disappointed at. Perhaps you misunderstood that I have expectations. No. I don't. I hope, I wonder, I think. Tell me someone who doesn't think about the "what if"'s in life and I'll tell you that I think they're in denial. I think about it, I do not fantasize like some sick puppy waiting to be kicked again.

What did I value? I valued that I had a good time with you, that you made me better and not in the sick puppy figurative "oh, you fixed me and now I can love again" way. No. If you were even interested in knowing, I value you because I thought you were the first real friend I made and in a strange place, no less. You know, the kind of friend that you spend lots of free time with, that makes you laugh, and make you unhappy sometimes. You know, the kind that will actually matter to me 50 years from now. That's what I miss, and I guess if you were interested in knowing--I'm sure that's what I loved. No. I think that I am apart from the people who "loved" you before in that even as it sucks to be that way, and even if I shouldn't be that way, I still adore you. I don't think I'm delusional in pretending that the things you do to make me unhappy don't exist. I tend to think I can do that because they're negligible compared to the happiness of thinking about our friendship. That's right, friendship. I get happy thinking about friends. God, I get overjoyed thinking about a good piece of friend chicken. That doesn't mean I want to touch it, hump it, and bite it hungrily (well, maybe I will bite it hungrily if the mood takes me there).

Blase. What is that? I didn't know. "Apathetic to pleasure or excitement as a result of excessive indulgence or enjoyment."

If a therapist every ask me in one of those patient confidential moments, I don't think I would say loving you (that is, caring for you, not like twilight fans love "r-pattz") is an indulgence. No. The first two people (and I hope the last, 'cause I'm frankly kind of tired of it already) that I genuinely would give heart and soul to have drained every part of me possible. Caring for you has been the single most agonizing thing ever. No, not in the way that twilight fans are agonized by the fantasy of an edward cullen bite. No. It's agony on the level of "Why the hell am I doing this?" agony. No fantasy, no lies, no expectations...I can say I kept doing it anyway like a stupid fool. I say stupid 'cause I guess I now know I am stupid. Nononono, not that I *was* stupid, that I *am* stupid. Not stupid for what I feel, but stupid that I'm not angry. Stupid that I apologize for something genuine, stupid that I can't change. 'Cause honestly, if I can change for you, for me, for my family, for everyone's sake....please don't think that I'm so selfish that I won't change. Don't think that I'm so delusional that I refuse to believe I can change. Trust me, like Michael, like Tracy, like everyone else stuck in the stupid mess that I'm in, there is not a day that goes by where we don't think about ourselves and how much less our lives could suck. Well.

What else can I tell you? What other unadulterated, brutal truth that I can tell you or myself? I've told myself everything I ever could. Like a bag of stale chips, I've opened it, retried it, closed it back up again. I guess this time, the chips are too stale to pretend to close it up again like everything will be fresh tomorrow. Yeah...stale chips. That's what this is.

no more updates

I have no updates to give anymore. have fun with old feelings and worn out times.

/i give up/

this summer. is meaningless.

/if today/

If only for today
We were wrapped in emptiness
Where nothing thrives in its nothingness
We would merely be nothing
Together and untouched by the world.

/some vegetarians/

ok. disclaimer: I say some, 'cause I know there is a variety of vegetarians with a variety of views.

So I was reading a blog about people in Seoul who ate wriggling, live octopus. Of course, something like that is bound to attract comments like:

i'm a vegetarian, i have been one since before i was born, because my mom had a vegetarian diet while i was in gestation.
I feel sorry for the people who eat animals, because simply they do not know how detrimental for their health this nasty habit they got. they are told since they are born is ok to eat meat. I was told differently...
but these people grow up believing it is ok for them to eat an animal.
I can just imagine how hard it would be for a meat eater to become a vegetarian in a really short time. because i've heard those people just love the taste and can't just stop eating like that...
i feel sorry for them, i truly do
the damage to the ecosystem is gigantic, but they don't care... they are feeding themselves with animal hormons and poisons.... but they don't care, they just love the taste but they don't consider an animal life is being destroyed in the process just cos someone loves how it taste
how sick
i'm ashamed of the planet i'm living in
but i'm sure things will change
and all you meat eaters will pay
first mad cow disease
now avian flu
what else is to come?

Hmm...I honestly don't think any of that can be blamed on us *eating* meat, but rather that we *modify* or *genetically engineer* our foods. It happens to animals, it happens to plants. I *really* don't understand the "harming the ecosystem" thing....I honestly have never heard that come out of any qualified persons in the field of biology/ecology. What I have heard is a variety of reasons why a vegetarian diet (supplemented by alternative sources of proteins and whatever other nutrients meat gives you) would be very healthy. I've also heard how a vegetarian diet can be unhealthy due to a lack of essential nutrients. Anyway, I've always been taught that a "balanced" diet will keep me healthy...plus we are built to be omnivores. When she said that our health is doomed because we're meat eaters...well, we can make ourselves unhealthy by eating anything, really. In my World Prehistory class, it was found through remains of early humans that a switch to sedentary/agriculture lifestyle actually hurt us. All sorts of complications arose from switch to a diet more dependent upon starches as in, "Wow, that bacteria can sure chip away at my teeth while eating that corn stuck on my teeth 'cause I have not yet discovered tooth paste." I'm not sure what that story was supposed to accomplish, but I do know that something like that comment up there was ignorant/close-minded, whatever you want to call it.

So this other comment got to me, and I feel like I must respond:

Why can't they just kill it first, what's the difference in taste!? ... exactly. So stop this cruelty now. Sick sick bastards.

Firstly, I can't imagine calling anyone a "sick bastard" for choosing to have a certain eating style. Having a set taste myself, I can understand people not getting the point of eating certain things or not eating certain things (like I have been in the past). However, "sick bastard" or a mockery/disgust aimed toward a whole culture of food is uncalled for. :( In terms of just-dead lobster and other similar seafood, I have heard from a lot of people (that I both know and don't know) that it *does* significantly change the taste of the food. While I have not experienced it myself...I don't believe that such a large population of people can all be hallucinating/delusional at the same time. So....I will try to confirm/deny that one day, but for now, I take it, seeing as my sigfig has confirmed it and I trust their judgment.

I aldo don't understand this "cruelty". This is done to try a different taste, texture, and have a different overall dining experience. I don't think anyone is sitting there laughing maniacally and plotting to make the world population of octopus suffer. I also seriously don't think that anyone is getting a sick enjoyment out of eating it....rather I get the feeling that most people who are fascinated by this food (like I am) are simply just curious as to what it tastes like. What's so wrong with being curious about different directions in the exploration of food? While I might be a little squeamish about it at first, I would not be hasty in making judgments about people eating it/the dish itself. In reply to people like that girl in the first comment: I wish I lived in a world where I don't have to be disgusted by people's hasty judgment about a food/food culture.

/bored/

If I was a sim, my social meter would totally be down in the reds right now.

I don't think being honest is too good for me.

/life revisited/

I talked about Jenny and my grandmother before, but it still bothers me now. My grandmother, while someone I haven't talked to in a while, was still someone that I still kept fond feelings for. Someone who raised me and taught me to study and how to like farmer's markets. It was awkward seeing her at the airport, but I gave her that often awkward but very satisfying hug--satisfying in the way that she is really happy. I like making people happy.

Flash forward past all the "oooooo, taco trucks!" and "mom, I'm DYING from hunger!!!" and my grandmother walks in the house, and my sister's there. She hasn't seen my sister in years, and the last time, my sister let her leave thinking that she's hated by Jenny.

Well, walks in, hugs her, Jenny inches away. Yes, she did. I don't even know how to respond to that except for the fact that it makes me really angry.

/anyone ever wonder/

After watching WALL-E, ever wonder if anyone else is seeing the increasing amount of similarities that Wal-Mart shares with Buy-n-Large?

/woken from a dream/

I'm not sure what I'm doing sometimes--with these photographs, I mean. Did you know you never used to distract me? I find it harder and harder, as time goes by, to repress. You know what that means, don't you? The inevitable is happening--it only grows stronger every day...my feelings, I mean. If all my sitting and all my waiting would make a wish reality, it wouldn't be as cruel. But the fact retains all the marks of a taunting world--the one that puts me so close. And some days, when I dream, I never want to go back.

/wrong place/

12:30 am, May 4th:
It's the wrong
Place and time
To be thinking of
You

/Situations/

Situation number one:
It's the one that's just begun,
But evidently it's too late.
Situation number two:
It's the only chance for you;
It's controlled by denizens of hate.
Situation number three:
It's the one that no one sees;
It's all too often dismissed as fate.
Situation number four:
The one that left you wanting more,
It tantalized you with its bait.

/full personality in 8 questions/

and on facebook, no less.

You have a need for other people to like and admire you, and yet you tend to be critical of yourself. While you have some personality weaknesses you are generally able to compensate for them. You have considerable unused capacity that you have not turned to your advantage. Disciplined and self-controlled on the outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure on the inside. At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations. You also pride yourself as an independent thinker; and do not accept others' statements without satisfactory proof. But you have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others. At times you are extroverted, affable, and sociable, while at other times you are introverted, wary, and reserved. Some of your aspirations tend to be rather unrealistic.