I stumbled onto your sticky notes. I always had a habit of keeping things. The only things they reminded me were those times when we were pretty much inseparable. You would leave for somewhere and when I came back there would be a sticky note that told me what you were doing and to call you. We didn't know each other that well then...and you certainly didn't have to do that. But you did. And now I wish you hadn't. Now I wish I hadn't kept these. But at the end of the day, I put it back in my little blue pouch. I guess letting go of you was going to be easy, but letting go of memories of you would be hard.

The Covenant was a really bad movie, but you didn't mind the blond guy in there. I didn't mind sitting next to you.

When we watched Pulse, I'm glad I held your hand. That actually scared me.

I fell asleep holding your hand once. I was kneeling in bed from previously talking to you. It took me a long time to decide if the discomfort was worth it. I decided it wasn't.

One time I woke up from a nap and thought I saw you looking my way. I told myself I was dreaming things. I probably was.

I hated Hinder, but it was alright when you played "Better Than Me" over and over for a few hours.

I pretended to be asleep that time I bought the Buffalo Blue Cheese Doritos and put it on your desk. I was ecstatic when you woke me up to watch Beauty and the Beast.

I'm sorry I was useless that one time you were upset and was listening to Prey-10Years in the bathroom. I knew you were tearing up, but I didn't know how to stop it. I regret going away when you told me to. Earlier, I pretended to have headphones in while you were in the room because I thought you'd like to be alone.

Later, through an argument we had, I found out I was stupid and that you probably didn't want to be alone while I listened to music.

Cosmic's and George's Garage are the places we went after we had major fights.

I'm sorry I let her use your tape.

When you draped your arm over my stomach that one time we were lying down talking in your bed, I'm sorry I was so stiff. I didn't know then that I liked you. I wasn't uncomfortable...I just didn't know what to do.

That movie marathon....I haven't done an Indiana Jones marathon ever since. I think of you every time I see it going on on TV.

Pepto-Bismol pink still holds a special place in my heart.

That one time I came back to the room completely drenched in rainwater, it was because I was trying to deal with realizing I liked you. Pouring rain is always a good place to sit in.

I'm glad that when I cried in that stairway that you brought my towel to cover up my head with.


I had always feared that I would forget you in my old age...like how most of the old people in my family often do to their loved ones. I guess now I want to be able to look forward to that day.

"that special thing"

So I'm back....'cause my roommate had another thing with her boyfriend and it seems like they have some serious problems....but she keeps saying something about how she's talked to married couples and they say they "don't have that thing that her and [her boyfriend] have". I can't help but think of our friendship and how I used to think that all the time. I used to excuse all the shit that I took from you almost all the time...because I thought to myself "damn....I'm so lucky I would never have something like this again. Even as her friend, I would never have another friend like that again." I'm trying to think if that's the right mentality or not? Is it worth putting yourself through shit for those moments where you're just so content with your current situation that you can't think of anything else you'd want. I used to think that. I really did. I used to answer yes every time. Every time i ask myself, every time someone else asks me. Now, I don't even know what my answer is. I'm not sure if that's a sign that I'm slowly moving on, but I hope I don't ever get stuck in that rut again where I cling onto you 'cause I think you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I might still think that...and I might still think I'll never get someone that clicks with me like you did again. But, I'll be damned if I traded what I've gotten now (ever since you decided to desert me) for what I had when I was your friend. True to my word, I still love you and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. But I will never want you again.

So I have this new person I've been thinking of. As always, I have a song that I attach to them. This time it's Take Over Control by Afrojack and Eva Simons. Idk why, actually, so it intrigues me.

I saw you today. You saw me, but you avoided seeing me again by staying inside that building for almost an hour. This is getting really amusing. Was that really necessary?

Funny how my friends tell me they have been attempting to petition for you to come back into my life. Funny how they misunderstand that I want you to.


I would not mind if you do, but I would rather that you not feel like you're doing me a favor and giving me what I want by coming back into my life. Even if you don't, I don't want you to be smug that I want you back in my life. I don't. Inwardly, I might think about you a lot....even now I still do from time to time. But outwardly...I stopped expecting you a long time ago.

So even when my life seems great and better without you--to know that you're not doing well makes me worried for you. I'm not sure how you have this effect on me. But it's no longer my job to make sure you're alright. I don't want to hear about you anymore, so please stop letting yourself leak back into my life.

I Can't Lie

I must have been a fool to love you so hard for so long.
So much stronger than before, but so much harder to move on.
I can't lie.
You're on my mind--stuck inside my head.
I want to feel your heart beat for me instead.

Letter 4

You could come over and we could have Deja Vu.

Let's go back. I know it's been a minute, but I could do it better than I did when I did it.

But no. Waiting is for fools who think what they had was real. Memories are barely real. We have no evidence they exist any longer in the world except for what we conjure up when thinking of them. These conjured images are easily altered and easily faked by our own mind to suit our fancy. Are they real? Were you real?

Letter 3

Can you feel my heart break? Final act of kindness isn't too kind.

Letter 2

It's only come out recently, but when Stereo Hearts came out, I immediately thought it was the perfect song to describe how I feel about you.

Only you're the only girl that's played me and left a couple cracks.

Not meaning that in the romantic way, just that how you affect me is going to probably deeply change the way I view everyone from now on.

You were the first person I truly became close with. I don't really think I can ever do it to that extent again with any new people. Not saying this as a pity party for myself, I'm just telling you the truth of how I'm feeling--as I've always done. Wish you did the same for me, even if it was going to be difficult to hear.

Letter 1

I probably don't have time to post one a day. Despite being comforted by the suggestion that perhaps you did what you did for both of us, I just find that to be the most BS explanation there is.

If you care about someone, you hang onto them, not throw them away. I suppose my lesson from this is either you CAN throw them away or you don't really care. I find both to be improbable. I'm not sure which I should believe.

I tried hanging onto you for as long as I can, no matter how hard that was. I was thinking that maybe I just got too used to you. But no, I genuinely feel a sense of loss without you.

I thought maybe I demanded too much. No. Not really. I asked for whatever you can give. I didn't ask for you to return my feelings or anything like that. I ask you to at least be my best friend. I suppose even that's too much. I never once intended to try to change your mind. I thought, well...since I love her, I'll treat her how I think she should be treated. If she ever decides that I'm good enough, then that's my bonus. Sure you can say I was "pining". I'd say I was pining. What else could I call it? But I wasn't dependent on you changing your mind. I was happy with the way things are. You asked me once if I was happy. Was that your test? If so, I did knot that our relationship would hang on that one word "no". I'm as happy as I can be, but I stand by what I told you, I can never really be completely happy. I don't know how you want to take that, but that is what my answer still is. That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy your company. I loved your company more than anyone else's. I hope you know that. How naive if you ever thought otherwise.

A letter a day

Hedonistic Theories: what would be the best for someone is what would make his life happiest.

Desire-Fulfilment Theories: what would be the best for someone is what, throughout his life, would best fulfill his desires.

Objective List Theories: certain things are good or bad for us, whether or not we wanted the good things or to avoid the bad things.

AH. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

It's really funny how I never understand what our fights are about. I guess it's because you almost never give me a proper explanation before we stop talking. Most people--I would like to think this includes myself--argue, blow up, say all the angry things and stop talking because they are frustrated from yelling. I feel like most of the frustration I've ever felt were from silence. I really never understand why things end up the way they do.

After what happened happened, I felt pretty panicked. I felt like maybe there were a lot of reasons for you not to talk to me anymore. It was awkward, I said things that I didn't mean to say to you when I was not in the best mental shape. I don't know if you know, and I don't know if I ever said, but those things I said came from a pretty deep place of frustration. Years of pining for you and being what I thought was one of your closest friends and that night made me realize that a (so you've said) meaningless fling would come closer to being with you than I ever would. It's a pretty depressing place. Combined with the fact that it happened in front of me while my mind was already half gone and the anger, disappointment, hurt, whatever just took over. I couldn't even escape it, leave or close my eyes or something. I've already seen it, and there's nothing I can do to un-see it. I suppose I didn't have enough foresight to predict that perfect storm. With that said, I don't think those words accurately reflect the entirety of what I feel about you. Frustrated or not, you are probably one of the best things that ever happened to me. I've been asked why I think so highly of you, and sometimes I admit can't think of the reason myself. I just do. You're just the closest thing to what I've always envisioned as, well, what I hope to find out of a relationship--any type of relationship. I hope I've addressed that enough, I don't want to ramble too long.

I didn't know how it would change things. I didn't know if it would change for the worse like everyone else I've seen who liked you. I guess ever since I decided to tell you, I have always been anxiously waiting for my turn. I always thought "ah, when is it gonna be time for her to be afraid of me, too?" It was always lurking and I was always afraid of getting too comfortable with it. That's why I wanted to talk right away. I wanted to stop it before it can begin. I didn't think I was ready for it yet. To be honest, the talk was the most anticlimactic thing ever. I didn't know what to say, other than to be able to check your face when I tell you I'm afraid and I don't want you to avoid me. You didn't say much and I didn't know what I was saying. It was a bit of a disaster in my head. Not sure if you could tell then.

I just thought, maybe we'll just hang out in our free times, let it go back to normal and I'll never deal with it again. Or I'll just let you decide when you want to tell me what you're thinking. I didn't at first but I actually eventually believed you when you said you were busy since summer was nearing. I went on with my activities and then found out on hanging out with someone that you haven't been booked solid busy as you said. That was pretty disappointing. I felt pretty duped and gullible and naive. Started to feel pretty unsure and started to want to check back with you more, told you how I felt. After little to no responses came, I just let it sit for a week, two weeks, tried again a couple of times in the summer, a week, two weeks. I didn't find out you'd make it so final until I tried to tell you about something online and realized I no longer could. I don't know what happened really, but I got no explanation and a lasting impression of being lied to and avoided. So you tell me now how I'm supposed to feel?

Also, though I'm ok with how I feel and who I like, I'm not sure if I'm ready yet for the world to know. Sure they can suspect, ponder or even ask--but I'm not too comfortable with it going around without my control. I'm not even comfortable to tell P yet, but I felt like I had to after that comment was made and she talked to me about it. I don't like being forced to tell someone something that was supposed to be my decision to reveal. I don't like not being able to control when it was revealed and I don't like being uncomfortable about it. I generally don't think that's how those things are meant to happen. It was a little disappointing since it was obvious to me from the comment that its origin might lie with you.

Actually, though you can't control it, the comment itself was pretty insensitive. I don't "hit on" every girl I know and the it seemed to be leading toward that place. Maybe it's my misconception, but if it was leading to that place, then it came from a pretty ignorant place about the way those things work. Whatever. no one can control that and I've said my piece. So enough about that.

I feel like whether you choose to do something about this or not, I'd rather you know what I'm thinking than not know. I don't want things to possibly end on some misunderstanding. I was going to avoid having to make this conversation, but as school starts and you've already come up in conversation, I figured I can't avoid it any longer. It'd be nice to get a response, but if you don't feel inclined, don't worry. I won't be counting on it. I'm always up for conversation, but I'm not gonna force it or wait for it. If I hadn't made one final attempt, I would be stuck with the "what if"s forever.

Thanks for reading. If it is the last conversation I'll have with you--then it was nice meeting you.

ah

It's scary.