let's see if you can understand me

let's see if I have enough lyrics to convey my thoughts

Light up, light up...as if you have a choice. I'll sing it one last time for you, then we really have to go; do the things that you always wanted to and all the things that i wish i had not said, are played in loops till it's madness in my head--like Saturn's rings, an icy loop around me too hard to hold. It's beginning to get to me that I know more of the stars and sea than I do of what's in your head. I can tell you that I've had enough. I can't take it; this welcome has gone and I've waited long enough to make it. Step up to me; I know that you've got something buried; I'll set you free. Is there a place I can go? Is there a light to get me there if I've forgotten what to say? It's because all words are dust. If this is really what you think, how come you won't look me in the eye?

In truth I'm just as scared
As you lie here beside me
So close your eyes, I'll guard the door
And when you wake you'll wake with me

Are we getting closer or are we getting more lost?

Reevaluation

I think I can be too rigid when dealing with other people, but I'm too flexible when dealing with people I care about. I'm too detached to most people, but too attached to a select few. It worries me. Attachment gives room for a change of mind. Change of minds scare me, so I will remove myself from it before it happens. I'm not sure if this makes sense.

Disillusionment, especially my own, throws me off to no end. They're just as dangerous as those from other people. Lies, I've decided that they irk me, and I will not let myself fall prey to them; in other words, I will dissect everything carefully, even my own thoughts. I will not consciously lie to anyone, not even to save my own case. Anything I do, I am responsible for. It's like writing with a fountain pen, mistakes are etched there, but they remind you that you have to write better the next time. I don't think I know what I'm talking about anymore, so I'll stop. Nap time, here I come.

first post in a while

So I'll start with the most recent first; it makes me annoyed to see that there were heavy bags under my mom's eyes. Hmm...she's been working and not getting enough sleep, I bet. Grr....crazy woman. Anyway, on the ride home, she told me that she got a bonus from one of her clients *me suspiciously looking at her* and that she's thinking that she'll just buy me the camera as a really early graduation gift. Then she said that I can keep my money for the miniterm trip, which she'll pay for as well. I was struck dumb. Seriously. I was speechless, but then I told her that it's all well and good, but I"ll only take some of it and pay for half of my camera. I was originally going to spend all my money on the camera body while she pays for the lens, but now I can keep some leftover to continue saving up. I also told her I've decided that I won't go on the miniterm trip because that would mean that she'll spend a lot of money on me this year. She asked me why I won't go if I really wanted it. I told her that I think I can go any time in the future, so I don't have to go now. I'd rather spend time with Frances during miniterm, since she's not going anywhere. If she decides to go to Japan or something, then I'll go to Frances with Qin, but if she's staying back then I'd rather stay with her. However, she'll never know that.

So going back to today...it was uneventful, and filled with me sleeping and doing anat phys hw. However, I remembered that she had a Stats test today, and since I remembered that she didn't have a lab after lunch (which was wrong) I thought I'd go run down to Broad St. and get her the caramel italian soda that she wanted yesterday. I did, but I had to be careful because walking off campus by myself without signing out might get me a level II if I got caught. Also, I had to hurry because I had to finish my anat phys hw. Well, I got back, and went to her hall, where I found out that she did indeed have a lab, and I remembered that she has a class after that as well. Soo....I know the drink was going to melt and dilute. *sigh* Stupid Ha Thien...

You Could Be Happy

You could be happy and i won't know
But you weren't happy the day i watched you go.

And all the things that i wish i had not said,
Are played in loops till it's madness in my head.


is it too late to remind you how we were?
But not our last days of silent screaming blur.

Most of what i remember makes me sure
I should've stopped you from walking out the door.

You could be happy i hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything i own, smells of you
and for the tiniest moment it's all not true.

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think just do

More than anything i want to see you girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

Survey

When you were a child... 1. what did you want to be when you grew up and why? Psychologist, lawyer, neurologist (aka, “brain doctor”) 2. who was your favorite person to do things with (excluding your parents)? My cousin... 3. did you love school or did you hate it? why? did that change as you got older? I didn’t like elementary or middle school as much, but I like high school, especially ncssm. I think it accommodates all my crazy needs 4. was your family close? what were your favorite family traditions? Yeah, I think so….my mom’s family is always doing things together….talking, creating drama, I really liked the people I lived with…nononononono, wrong. 3 of the people I lived with. 5. did you think that being an adult would be cool? Not really. Dreams 1. what was the last dream that you had about? I can’t remember… 2. does it hold any significant meaning to you? Most of my dreams hold some significance to me 3. do you dream in color or black and white? I think I tend to dream in black and white more…. 4. what is the most frightening dream you ever had? Hmm….a giant cockroach was eating my mom…either that or the one where my mom and sister died in that field. 5. is there one dream that stays clear in your mind despite the fact it was more than a few years ago? Yeah… Beliefs 1. what is something that you used to believe, but are glad you don't believe anymore? That love exists 2. is there something you wish you still believed? what? that things stay the same 3. what experience or person taught you the most about life? Pfft, my own experiences, of course 4. what area of life would you like to know or understand more about? Emotions—I concur 5. what is your most valuable lesson about life so far? Nothing is what you initially thought it was You wake up one morning, all groggy and tired. As you stumble your way into the bathroom, you look in the mirror and find out that... 1. you're the opposite sex. besides the obvious playing with the new parts, what would you do? I’d get new clothes. And what do you mean “playing”? 2. you're someone famous. who and why? I wouldn’t want to be someone famous 3. you're the king (queen) of the world (no, you're not james cameron). what edict would you pass? I agree with Marie (and Tracy): toleration for all races, religions, sexual preferences, and gender 4. you're no longer in kansas (or this world) anymore. where are you? I am in a white room 5. you have a clone standing next to you and it's going to work/school for you while you get to play hooky. what are you going to do today? Walk around—yeah… Fortune Cookie 1. what is your opinion on karma? Eh, I don’t really care what happens 2. if anything, do you think attitude makes any difference? Of course 3. how has luck/chance/facts-of-life/god/karma/nature treated you so far? I think that I’m a lucky person 4. what is your opinion of the concept of destinies? If they exist, then I’m glad certain destinies collide….otherwise, I’m just as happy. 5. are both bad and good things needed in order to truly live life? can you have the bad without the good? the good without the bad? You can’t have just one. There is a balance that needs to be maintained in life Magic 1. if you came upon a time machine, where would you go? To the future 2. if you managed to capture the questing beast, an odd combination of animal forms that is said to know the answers to all questions, what one question would you ask it? would the answer change anything? There are so many things I’d like to know, but I think I’d rather not ask anything…maybe ask it something about someone else, not myself. 3. you've found yourself a rather obedient genie in a bottle. make your three wishes. why, out of everything you could ask for, do these three win out? They are quite selfish, so I will not say. They are prominent because of my fears. 4. someone presents you with a working voodoo doll. do you use it? Sure…well…maybe not. I don’t know. I’d feel bad, I think. 5. pick a superpower, any superpower. what and why? how would this change your life? Either reading minds or being invisible Pudding 1. what is the best dessert you've ever had? Uhhhh, it’s between flan and tiramisu 2. is there a dessert that just plain grosses you out? Fried bananas 3. straight out of the container or with lots of toppings: tell us how you like your ice cream. Just plain vanilla, maybe with cherries 4. cookie dough, brownie mix, cake batter or the finished products? none 5. you've just invented a great new dessert .... what's in it and what is it called? Pssh, I can’t do desserts Summer 1. what is your favorite summer activity? Spending time with friends—yeah… 2. what was one great thing you did this summer? Cali? 3. when you were a child, what was your favorite summer activity? Soccer/water park 4. what has been your favorite summer vacation? Eh…nothing 5. summer goes well into september, but when do you feel like it is over? When I get into the school/hw rhythm again Clothing 1. of everything in your wardrobe what do you feel the most comfortable wearing? David’s jeans, and freshman band shirt and if it’s appropriate, last year’s hall sweatshirt 2. ubi est duo? I dunno 3. how many pairs of shoes do you own and do you wear them all? Uhhhh….5, and I wear 3 or 4 I think 4. where do you buy most of your clothes? Tommy Hilfiger!!!!! 5. what was the last piece of clothing you bought? Human Nature shirt Music 1. who was your favorite band/musican when you were younger? Uhhh….bsb 2. why? radio 3. are they still your favorite/one of your favorites? Not really 4. what is your favorite of their songs? I dunno….I have ones that I like, but not a favorite 5. are there any specific lyrics you hold dear? Heh, not from long ago…but maybe recently Hand writing 1. what color ink pen do you like best? Black 2. do you prefer plain paper or paper with lines (notebook paper)? Lined, preferably college ruled 3. what's better: books from the library, or reading online? Library. 4. which would you rather get, e-mail or snail mail? Snail. 5. do you have a paper weight on your desk? Not really

time

I could try to rewrite what I told Tracy yesterday, but I don't think it'll be successful, so I'll

Passing thin air draws my breath farther and farther away from me as the sense of sunset passes me through the fragile glass window. Light penetrates as it never has before, burning darkness away , revealing hidden nooks and corners. Walls crumbling as if by magic or a tidal wave drowning me in overwhelming water. You reach your hand through, but for something beyond understanding and I wonder when I would resurface.