You, Me, and One Spotlight

It won't be long now
The music's on loud
We'll sing this song out
And then we'll lie down
I'll hold you close then
I'll let you know when
The space and time bend
And then we'll fall in

Go put on your best tonight
It's you and me and one spotlight
One more show one last time
We are ready

Say you will be all around me
When your body sets your heart free
Say you will be all around me

I'll look for your eyes
To keep me inside
When everything dies
But one last sunrise
And when we stand there together not scared
I'll dry your last tear
And then we're just air

Go put on your best tonight
It's you and me and not much time
To watch the world burning bright
*We are ready*
Say you'll get me through the ending
Take my body set my heart free
Say you'll get me through the ending

Only One by Yellowcard

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone
________________________________________________

It's sad when you know you're able to let go. You know, I never understood the idea of holding out on your own happiness for someone else. I'm not that selfless. I laughed when my mom told me I will be willing to do that someday. I hate it when she's right. I'm still not selfless because I still want to hold on. I'm not any more open-minded, because I still can't understand why someone would choose to leave. I'm no less egotistical because I see no reason to leave. At the same time, I see every reason to leave. I understand why someone would and, most importantly, I find myself wanting to be okay with it.
_______________________________________________

Did you know And One has a song named "Only One" as well?

Nothing would be better
When you turn away
Give me a second chance
So let me stay

The smile in your face
Tells it for sure
I want to be with you
No matter rich or poor

No matter rich or poor

What´s the reason why
You don´t talk to me
The tenderness you giving me
Makes me free

I´ve got that feeling
Of golden times
But I see everything
What glitters isn´t gold

No matter rich or poor

You´re the only one in my dreams
You´re the only one so hear my screams
All the things seem to blend
When I touch your skin and hold your hand

hmmm.....uhh....interesting

"For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks...the work for which all other work is but preparation."--Rainer Maria Rilke

hahaha

blackfalcon1477: hmm....mom wants to bond
blackfalcon1477: what the hell
blackfalcon1477: "we're going shopping"
blackfalcon1477: "why?"
blackfalcon1477: "I thought you wanted to by a christmas gift for tracy?"
blackfalcon1477: "*thinking: damn...* oh yeah...sure."
blackfalcon1477: so now I have to go take a shower
"jialiya": haha
"jialiya": for tracy
"jialiya": lol
blackfalcon1477: ....
blackfalcon1477: wow, completely taken out of context...but nice

that, my friends, is what I call "reading between the lines"...remember, you can totally miss the important message if you don't read between the lines.

message: everyday, I wake up and take a shower....for Tracy.

ahh, stacy....

blackfalcon1477: wow. you're....depressing
"stacy": haha.
"stacy": you just had to say it again didnt you?
"stacy": gosh. get more creative ha thien
blackfalcon1477: haha
blackfalcon1477: *british accent* you're a rather melancholy ol' chap, aren't you?
"stacy": haha
blackfalcon1477: exactly

thought of the moment

They're tryin to come back, all my senses push. Un-tie the weight bags I never thought I could...Steady feet, don't fail me now--gonna run 'til you can't walk--but something pulls my focus out and I'm standing down. Stop and stare...I think I'm moving but I go nowhere. Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared...

The Weekenders

So I used to watch this show, called The Weekenders, religiously when I was in middle school and still had satellite instead of cable. It's shown on ToonDisney, so I never get to see it anymore since my room only has basic cable and I'm not social enough towards my family to watch tv in the living room.

For the first time in like....3 or 4 years, I'm watching it again, and it makes me happy.

I'm bored

and inspired from watching food network competitions and iron chef for hours....

so I thought I'd post some of my favorite foods.....vietnamese, specifically, but some others as well...

1) asparagus and crab meat soup--though what my mom does is flavor the crab meat with fish sauce, but then flavor the broth with salt...I think that's better...
2) grilled pork and vermicelli--I think the difference here is that my mom marinates overnight...I *think* with soy sauce for flavor instead of fish sauce, and I think she generally uses beef more. Reason for soy sauce, she says, is that it makes the beef more tender? O_o? idk...it just does. Sometimes, instead of grilling, she sautes it quickly in a pan...tastes just as good...and it gives room to be lazy.
3) Spicy Beef and Pork Noodles--you know...I'm starting to wonder why things that take a long time to cook have such simple names. Anyway, the thing that my mother does differently is that she doesn't put the shrimp paste in the soup generally for the sole reason that it gets really.....pungent and stays in the house for a while. We add it individually...makes the flavor so great, though...heehee. Spicy = greatness. Plus....instead of simmering until the meat is tender, my mom has to use a slow-cooker because what she uses is a piece of beef that has a lot of connective tissue (tendon) that takes a while to cook to tenderness on the stove. She cooks it overnight, with the "pork knuckles"/leg and in those few hours, it will tenderize. :D It makes me so happy....I prefer things not that tender, though....because it's more fun to eat that way...just for this recipe, though.
4) Hot and Sour Fish Soup--again, I wished the names make these more appetizing...but don't knock it 'til you try it. Eaten with nice jasmine rice....this rocks. it ROCKS. Seriously. I think my mom actually cooks this one in a similar fashion. It's pretty simple, so....I expect most people to do it the same way.
5) Flan--k....I dunno how people usually do flan, but this is exactly how we do it. I don't put the coffee mixture with the egg mixture, though...I make black coffee and then chill it in ice and pour over the finished product. Much better that way :)
6) Roast Duck--not vietnamese and no recipe, but a picture. I like it a lot, though, especially with those fluffy like...white....bread-ish....things...I don't know what they're called.
7) Vietnamese Chicken Salad--I hate purple perilla, so my mom doesn't put it in, and I like the shredded cabbage, so we always have it. I also don't like spearmint, so we don't add that, either....For the fish sauce dressing...we don't use vinegar, my mom calls it "synthetic sour flavor" (literally translated) and we use lime instead...which I like a lot better. We top it with crispy fried shallots. MMM....We usually make this along with Vietnamese Chicken Rice Porridge--honestly, I don't know what makes this vietnamese besides the fact that it's flavored with fish sauce. The thing that we do differently is that we shred the chicken after it's cooked and make a salad, and then put some into the soup as well...so no marinade.
8) alright...I couldn't find the recipe and such for this one, but it's called "Baby Clams with Sesame Rice Crackers"--what my mom does is she just simply sautes baby clams, chopped onions, a vietnamese herb known as "rau ram" and chopped spicy Thai chilis and serve it with sesame rice crackers....AWESOMENESS

I think that's enough food for today....but my mother....cooks all of this for me...makes me happy....I *think* I know how to make all of this, too....although my flavoring is probably off from hers, since it's less experienced.

>< haha....more sensored material

blackfalcon1477: have I ever shown you my pictures?
blackfalcon1477: nothing dirty, mind you
-----: ...
-----: lol
-----: that reminded me of my other offer
blackfalcon1477 (11:28:27 PM): ....
-----: with your camera
-----: ... and you
blackfalcon1477: hahaha
blackfalcon1477: ....
blackfalcon1477: I'll take you up on that one day
-----: one day?
blackfalcon1477: when we get back to school
-----: oh snap
-----: ok
-----: lol
-----: monies for me
blackfalcon1477: you've been waiting for--uhhh
blackfalcon1477: no
blackfalcon1477: you give
blackfalcon1477: remember?
blackfalcon1477: willingly
blackfalcon1477: to me
-----: ...
-----: god damn
-----: that was..
-----: so damn kinky
-----: "You give [yourself] WILLINGLY to ME"
-----: wow

what the hell

So I am in Charlotte.....because dad's at work....and I was like "mom, I'm bored" and she started to get on this rant about how I don't really do anything....

I need to be more careful about saying stuff like that.

She just took 15 minutes to talk about how I can clean the house....and she ended, I think, for now....with "a TON of work to do" >< God, I'm stupid...

an artist of the entertainment industry

"--": dude, if i ever started a porn company, it would be so profitable
blackfalcon1477 (12:30:25 PM): ....
blackfalcon1477 (12:30:28 PM): hmm
"--": ...
"--": heyy
"--": want to start out on my... business plan with me?
"--": i need your camera
"--": ...
"--": and you

I think tracy knows who this is. This kid is so amusing to talk to....I love it.

On Tea and Life

I was watching Fearless

"Tea is a frame of mind. If you're happy, is the superiority or inferiority of tea important?"

thinking

I think my periods of doubt are unnecessary. Unnecessary...because I don't want them. Everything is too nice to have doubts, I like everything the way they are, I like my state of mind, I like where things are going, I like life. I'm happy. Doubts make me unhappy...but I keep having them. I don't like this. My brain is insatiable....

octopus legs....

"prashant" (1:33:23 AM): man, when i'm old, i'm gonna do w/e the fuck i want "prashant" (1:33:30 AM): i'll just be like "bitch i'm senile" blackfalcon1477 (1:33:57 AM): XDDDDDDDDDDDd "prashant" (1:33:46 AM): "fear me! i'm senile" blackfalcon1477 (1:34:18 AM): yes, feel the wrath of my dentures "prashant" (1:34:12 AM): i'll run around and do stupid stuff in my old frail body "prashant" (1:34:29 AM): and talk about how i ran (not walked) to school in the blistering cold "prashant" (1:34:30 AM): uphill "prashant" (1:34:31 AM): both ways blackfalcon1477 (1:35:21 AM): with no shoes "prashant" (1:35:02 AM): or socks "prashant" (1:35:21 AM): holding 300 lbs of books in my hand and other 300 on my back blackfalcon1477 (1:36:16 AM): and that's what gave you that old, frail body "prashant" (1:35:57 AM): exactly "prashant" (1:36:04 AM): but i'll run around in my old, frail body "prashant" (1:36:15 AM): and probably break every bone just walking down the street "prashant" (1:37:10 AM): i think i'll get my brain frozen after i die blackfalcon1477 (1:37:37 AM): .... "prashant" (1:37:21 AM): and the have it put in one of those like leg walky thingies "prashant" (1:37:33 AM): so it's like a brain w/ those creepy as hell metal octopus legs blackfalcon1477 (1:38:21 AM): ... "prashant" (1:38:02 AM): and then i can really be like "ha fear me now bitches! i have scary octopus legs!" blackfalcon1477 (1:38:32 AM): XDDDDDDDDDDDDD "prashant" (1:38:14 AM): then i can take over the world blackfalcon1477 (1:38:54 AM): XDDDDDD dear lord, prashant, taking over the world in a metal octopus body "prashant" (1:38:35 AM): yep blackfalcon1477 (1:39:03 AM): with a senile brain "prashant" (1:38:41 AM): i have my life very carefully planned blackfalcon1477 (1:39:11 AM): I'm sure "prashant" (1:38:57 AM): well, it's well planed after i get senile. idk what i'm gonna do till i get senile, but that's not important blackfalcon1477 (1:40:13 AM): I'm sure blackfalcon1477 (1:40:21 AM): because senility is the center of life "prashant" (1:40:29 AM): exactly "prashant" (1:40:35 AM): well, that and college blackfalcon1477 (1:41:03 AM): oh yes blackfalcon1477 (1:41:12 AM): the drinking... "prashant" (1:40:52 AM): lol "prashant" (1:40:55 AM): and partying blackfalcon1477 (1:41:29 AM): in your non-frail body "prashant" (1:41:15 AM): i'll practice my running around and being crazy in college "prashant" (1:41:45 AM): then i can take over the world much more effectively "prashant" (1:42:13 AM): it takes great skill (and senileness) to rule the world effectively, none of which can be obtained w/o practice in college "prashant" (1:42:40 AM): maybe i'll major in senileness blackfalcon1477 (1:43:34 AM): whatever tougas majored in "prashant" (1:43:16 AM): lol "prashant" (1:43:20 AM): only she sucks at it, obviously she didn't practice in college blackfalcon1477 (1:43:55 AM): yeah....so it bordered craziness blackfalcon1477 (1:44:02 AM): I'm sure that's what happened "prashant" (1:43:43 AM): exactly "prashant" (1:43:51 AM): maybe her and dr. glumm went and smoked pot together and had chunks of their brains removed "prashant" (1:45:00 AM): it’s the remnants of their failed attempts at senileness and world domination blackfalcon1477 (1:45:37 AM): stuck here at ncssm "prashant" (1:45:20 AM): yep blackfalcon1477 (1:45:48 AM): sad, sad lives… "prashant" (1:45:29 AM): i know blackfalcon1477 (1:45:54 AM): no octopus legs "prashant" (1:45:36 AM): how depressing blackfalcon1477 (1:45:59 AM): no preserved brains blackfalcon1477 (1:46:00 AM): I know "prashant" (1:45:46 AM): that's why u practice at college "prashant" (1:45:47 AM): duh blackfalcon1477 (1:46:19 AM): it's common knowledge "prashant" (1:45:57 AM): i mean, what else is college for? "prashant" (1:46:27 AM): only the really disillusioned people actually think it's important for getting a good job and all that stuff "prashant" (1:46:43 AM): getting a job, making money, all that is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things "prashant" (1:46:57 AM): the only thing important is making sure your senile career goes as planned "prashant" (1:47:19 AM): w/ the whole preserved brain and octopus legs blackfalcon1477 (1:47:44 AM): yes blackfalcon1477 (1:47:49 AM): metal octopus legs "prashant" (1:47:30 AM): exactly blackfalcon1477 (1:47:54 AM): 'cause anything else won't last blackfalcon1477 (1:49:30 AM): but I'll go get more sleep before I write about octopus legs on my exam "prashant" (1:49:11 AM): hahaha "prashant" (1:49:18 AM): "what bone is this?" "prashant" (1:49:21 AM): "OCTOPUS LEGS" blackfalcon1477 (1:49:47 AM): YES blackfalcon1477 (1:49:49 AM): exactly blackfalcon1477 (1:49:51 AM): X) "prashant" (1:49:38 AM): "name the function of this muscle?" "prashant" (1:49:48 AM): "to ensure world domination after senileness" blackfalcon1477 (1:50:15 AM): hahaha blackfalcon1477 (1:51:06 AM): subliminal messaging "prashant" (1:50:46 AM): lol "prashant" (1:52:14 AM): but u have to mention the metalness of them "prashant" (1:52:44 AM): i mean, come on. what good would real octopus legs do? blackfalcon1477 (1:53:21 AM): I know....obviously nothing for those octopi "prashant" (1:53:06 AM): i know right "prashant" (1:53:15 AM): i mean all they do is swim and pee ink "prashant" (1:53:19 AM): and get eaten blackfalcon1477 (1:53:49 AM): by senile humans "prashant" (1:53:26 AM): now if they had metal legs "prashant" (1:53:50 AM): they would be like "ddddddddddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! and then totally rape you w/ the metalness of their legs" blackfalcon1477 (1:54:22 AM): XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD "prashant" (1:54:14 AM): and instead of having a senile brain as the world leader, we'd have octopi" "prashant" (1:54:19 AM): *octopuses "prashant" (1:54:30 AM): who would be like "fear my legs bitches" "prashant" (1:54:37 AM): "aaaaahhhhh teh rapezors"

German in my head

"Ohne dich kann ich nicht sein
Ohne dich zähl ich die Stunden ohne dich
Mit dir stehen die Sekunden
Lohnen nicht ohne dich"
----V----
"Without you I cannot be
Without you I count the hours without you
With you the seconds stand still
They aren't worth it without you"

Du hast mich, eikalt erwischt

back to sleep I go...*yawn*

stuck in my head

I've been listening to too much Maroon 5...><

Do you mean all the things you are?
Are you pleased with the way things are?
Wear that dress to protect this scar,
That only I have seen.

Do you give just to please yourself?
Do you wish you were somewhere else?
Justified all the things you tried,
said that it was all for me.

And be near,
Just for the moment,
Stay here,
Never go home.

Did you know that everything she ever does is for you?
So it goes, the story of a broken heart comes true,
It comes true.

Have you learned all the secrets yet?
Were you burned by the things I've said?
Took the dive just to feel alive,
but never heard the truth.

Now I'm in love but I don't know how
I'm in pain cause I want it now
As I sit watching her eyes close,
I slowly open mine.

And be near,
Just for the moment,
Stay here,
Never go home.

Did you know that everything she ever does is for you?
So it goes, the story of a broken heart comes true, comes true.

I am so confused by this.
I know that life is hit or miss.
Days are stung by too much sun,
I think that you may be the one.

Lies

Don't you understand the intentions I put behind my thoughts? If you did, you'd understand why they're weaved with lies. Lies tell you what I don't want; lies tell you that I don't trust; lies tell you everything that my thoughts are not. If only you can look beneath what's not to understand what is.

"I can't believe it's Daoism!"

"How do I know that enjoying life is not a delusion? How do I know that in hating death we are not like people who got lost in early childhood and do not know the way home? How do I know that the dead do not regret their previous longing for life? One who dreams of drinking wine may in the morning weep; one who dreams of weeping may in the morning go out to hunt. During our dreams we do not know we are dreaming. We may even dream of interpreting a dream. Only in waking do we know it was a dream. Only after the great awakening will we realize that this is the great dream. And yet, fools think they are awake, presuming to know that they are rulers or herdsmen. It will probably be called preposterous, but after ten thousand generations there may be a great sage who will be able to explain it, a trivial interval equivalent to the passage from morning to night."--Zhuangzi

"Once Zhuang Zhou dreamed he was a butterfly, a fluttering butterfly. What fun he had, doing as he pleased! He did not know he was a Zhou. Suddenly he woke up and found himself to be Zhou. He did not know whether Zhou had dreamed he was a butterfly, or a butterfly had dreamed he was Zhou. Between Zhou and the butterfly there must be some distinction. This is what is meant by the transformation of things."

--I think this said basically everything I wanted to say....I want the answers to these questions...only, I don't want to wake up, because the dream is too good right now. Life is the great dream, and the great nightmare. I would like to sit and watch as my life run its course, but it pulls me in and I'm involved. Tell me, why must I be continuously confused throughout this dream of mine. Clarity is what I'm seeking, but I can't seem to find it. One would say that if something confuses you so, then get way from the stimulus, or you can figure it out. Alas, I can't figure it out, and I don't want to get away from the stimulus...so tell me? What do you want? What does life want? What do you want from me? If you state your wants, maybe I can meet them. However, people wouldn't do that, they're too afraid to. I'm too afraid to state what I want....afraid of others AND myself.

"What I love is the Way, which goes beyond skill. I deal with it through my spirit rather than looking at it with my eyes. My perceptions stops and my spirit runs its course. A good cook changes his knife once a year, because he cuts. An ordinary cook changes his knife every month, because he hacks. This knife of mine is nineteen years old, It has carved several thousand cows, yet its blade looks like it had just come from the grindstone. There are spaces in the joints, and the blade has no thickness. So when something with no thickness enters something with space, it has plenty of room to move about. This is why after nineteen years it seems fresh from the grindstone. However, when I come to something complicated, I inspect it closely to prepare myself. I keep my eyes on what I am doing and proceed deliberately, moving my knife imperceptibly. Then with a stroke it all comes apart like a clod of earth crumbling. I stand there, my knife in my hand, look all around, enjoying my success. Then I clean the knife and put it away.
Lerd Wenhui said, "Excellent! By listening to Cook Ding, I learned how to nurture life.""

--This is how life should be. Life should be Daoist, which means that it should be about perception and flow, not....getting what you want by force. Only, hahahahahaha, nvm....don't think about it too much <.< If life is like a blade, then you should try the best you can to preserve it, not by avoiding to cut from fear of ruining it, but by using the right techniques so that it lasts longer. Life doesn't have to be anything except for a thin line within a vast space. If something confuses you, stand back and observe it until you can find a way to approach it delicately but quickly and efficiently. If I can be successful with this, then I will be content with how I approach life. For now, I am still the under-experienced cook, not necessarily hacking away at food, but rather too afraid to cook from fear of bad results.

The Secret's In The Telling

The signal is subtle
We pass just close enough to touch
No questions, no answers
We know by now to say enough
With only simple words
With only subtle turns
The things we feel alone for one another

So I won't sleep if you won't sleep tonight

We pass just close enough to touch
We love in secret names
We hide within our veins
The things that keep us bound to one another

Your name is pounding through my veins
Can't you hear how it is sung?

Before the words escape my lungs
And I'll whisper only once...

We are compelled to do what we have to
We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden

'Cause you will be somebody's girl
And you will keep each other warm
But tonight I am feeling cold

hmmm

I'm so happy for some reason.....So my roommate tried to guess what my "deep dark secret" is....because I guessed hers...Actually, I didn't guess because I didn't want to assume....until she told me to. *sigh* oh stacy....why, why, why....

Anyway, I felt compelled to tell her because I felt....indebted to her, so I let her guess. She didn't get it, though....but she ended up with several unconsolidated things:

"You're afraid of falling in love because you are afraid that it won't be reciprocated and that it would hurt you."
"You're afraid of eventually caring for someone...which means that you love them?"
"You're afraid of abandonment, rejection, and people lying to you about how they feel. That's why you don't trust them."

.........0_o..........

My roommate is listening to White Flag a lot....oh roommie...why? We talked yesterday and I understand why she's so....stuck on it. I still think Neill and I are a lot alike...and if we are...I would like to apologize to everyone who ends up...caring about me. I wouldn't think that it's an easy task. I think last night was one of those talks where I end up deciding that I'm a horrible person >< because I think I'll someday end up doing the same thing he did. I think one day someone will be significant to me, and I would (hopefully) be as significant to them, but then they'd do something that shows the smallest sign of instability or inconsistency and I'll completely leave. The reason? I wouldn't know what else to do.

Figure It Out

I'm happy you answered my calls
I'm bouncing off the walls
impossible to be tamed

I'm happy you like to play games

I'm happy you're so impulsive
means that your passionate
I know you wanna break free
from this monotony
I'm happy you're coming with me
but by choice its gotta be

I can see your getting it
so figure it out and let's go

chemistry

The subject title has nothing to do with what I'm saying, but I miss it, so I thought I'd amuse myself by putting it there.

"Well I am imagining a dark lit place
Or your place or my place
Well I'm not paralyzed
But I seem to be struck by you"

You know what "frozen" means? In this context, I think it means that my brain cells literally froze...whether or not it's due to the progressively cooling weather or something else, I wouldn't know. You know my fears? Well, if you really think about it, aren't I ultimately afraid of being lied to.....about the most important things to me? Then I thought about sleep....how is it that I can be so tired--both mentally and physically--and still want to stay up...to be on the phone...? I was talking to Stacy about Neill the other day, and about how he "doesn't want her in his life anymore" and I told her that I think it's just his response becuase it's easier that way. There are things he probably can't say because it's hard to. It's all about protecting yourself, really. I think that shields take effort to get through, and I don't think she put up enough effort, but that's probably my biased opinion since I have a shield as well. At the risk of maybe sounding like an ass...for me to really trust someone takes effort, consistency and stability on their part. You need to promise me those things...if I don't think you're capable of it, it's hard to trust you. Even when I think I trust someone, I still have to convince myself that I trust my judgment and trust what I think and feel. I don't necessarily trust the people I care about. Even if I really want to believe you, and I think I believe you...I can still draw back at the first and smallest sign of hesitance on your part. You have to be sure of what you think, feel, say, and do. You have to know that those things you convey to me are really what you want. With these things, I make myself take things literally, so I leave myself no chances of falling into a delusion. So each step you take can a progression or it can be a regression. I draw back with hesitance, contradictory statements, retractions of statements, etc...there are lots of other things....it's cumbersome, I think, and that's why a lot of people have quit.

"You're too analytical about how you feel." --Kristin