chemistry

The subject title has nothing to do with what I'm saying, but I miss it, so I thought I'd amuse myself by putting it there.

"Well I am imagining a dark lit place
Or your place or my place
Well I'm not paralyzed
But I seem to be struck by you"

You know what "frozen" means? In this context, I think it means that my brain cells literally froze...whether or not it's due to the progressively cooling weather or something else, I wouldn't know. You know my fears? Well, if you really think about it, aren't I ultimately afraid of being lied to.....about the most important things to me? Then I thought about sleep....how is it that I can be so tired--both mentally and physically--and still want to stay up...to be on the phone...? I was talking to Stacy about Neill the other day, and about how he "doesn't want her in his life anymore" and I told her that I think it's just his response becuase it's easier that way. There are things he probably can't say because it's hard to. It's all about protecting yourself, really. I think that shields take effort to get through, and I don't think she put up enough effort, but that's probably my biased opinion since I have a shield as well. At the risk of maybe sounding like an ass...for me to really trust someone takes effort, consistency and stability on their part. You need to promise me those things...if I don't think you're capable of it, it's hard to trust you. Even when I think I trust someone, I still have to convince myself that I trust my judgment and trust what I think and feel. I don't necessarily trust the people I care about. Even if I really want to believe you, and I think I believe you...I can still draw back at the first and smallest sign of hesitance on your part. You have to be sure of what you think, feel, say, and do. You have to know that those things you convey to me are really what you want. With these things, I make myself take things literally, so I leave myself no chances of falling into a delusion. So each step you take can a progression or it can be a regression. I draw back with hesitance, contradictory statements, retractions of statements, etc...there are lots of other things....it's cumbersome, I think, and that's why a lot of people have quit.

"You're too analytical about how you feel." --Kristin