God vs. Science

Pick either one, but don't be stupid.

Example of Stupidity

The way I see it...you can do anything you want, just don't be stupid. I think that either way you look at it--devout believer or not--do you really want to put your fate or the fate of someone you love into a force? I mean....do I sit there every day and say...ohh...maybe gravity will feel gracious today...I will maybe grow some more. Even though that might've been a ridiculous example, I think you all know what I mean. To leave something as important as a life into the hands of pure human faith...

Dream

So I had a dream last night that I was taken, along with a bunch of people, to a military base of some sort, and I was borrowing someone's camera because I didn't think my giant camera would be allowed for some reason. So then after I got out of the plane that took us there, I took out my D80 and just started snapping pictures....and for some reason, I saw a cemetery and was taking a picture of it, making sure to catch the blue sky reflecting in the pond that was in the cemetery....It was weird. Then we went into this storage room with a bunch of ripsticks and weapons...and my camera keeps taking a longer and longer time to take a picture of anything, and it keeps coming out dark, so then I looked at it and.....it was out of battery!

That was one of the weirdest dreams I've ever had.

"There is a secret that we keep"

Secret

It moves slowly at first...but I promise you it'll be good. Well...I can't say you'll think that...but I can promise you I thought it was really nice. Please watch it? Well, I can only do so much advertising.

I watched the ending to this several times...it make me smile every time. Perhaps this isn't the most imaginative thing, but it's nice.

We keep secrets sometimes...sometimes they're things we can't tell others--sometimes they're people.

Sometimes it's both. Shhh.....;D

heh

my new amusement at the moment:

Design Within Reach

my crazy roommate

"stacy" (2:08:26 AM): You are asleep right now and I am awake
"stacy" (2:08:30 AM): I am awake and pissed
"stacy" (2:08:33 AM): i am jealous
"stacy" (2:08:39 AM): perhaps I should wake you
"stacy" (2:08:44 AM): you just rolled over
"stacy" (2:08:48 AM): and moaned
"stacy" (2:09:00 AM): perhaps that is a sign i should wake you

I...."moaned"? hmmm....I want to know what I was dreaming about...unless she means "moan" in that innocent way.

i'm bored

I’m kinda stuck in this mathcad thing that I have to do for calc. I don’t really want to do anything because for the whole day I’ve been feeling like I want to sleep. I haven’t been sleeping very well at night for the past two days or so because for some reason, I’ve been thinking about things a lot. Idk….during the day, I’m actually very fine, perhaps due to brain inactivity from lack of sleep. Other than that, there’s not much to tell, really. I also have—again—come to the conclusion that my mind conflicts way too much when I’m trying to decide something, especially when I have to decide whether or not to say something. It’s not the kind of thinking pattern that you want to get into, really….but I have it whether or not I want it. Right now, I want to do and say some things and see someone…but I can’t. I’ve never felt that restricted before, I don’t think.

I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat...

Onto "rites"

"You must be very patient," replied the fox. First you will sit down
at a little distance from me-like that-in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day..."

The next day the little prince came back.

"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If for example, you came at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is ready to greet you..."

""I am responsible for my rose,"
the little prince repeated,
so that he would be sure to remember."

ohne dich

Ich verbrenne für dich

...

Ich falle für dich

...

Ich ertrinke in dir
Spür deinen Pulsschlag tief in mir

...

Ich bete zu Gott dass es nie endet
Dass dein Feuer mich ewig blendet
Ich vermiss dich zähle jede Sekunde

an abstract dissection

I'm not sure what I want to type, but I want to type something.

I have not been in the greatest of moods lately, and the only thing that's picking up the mood every once in a while is the residual happiness from the last extended weekend. I think I'll revisit something that I think I posted about a while ago.

I am going to revisit the wikipedia article about love.

Recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that as people fall in love, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals, including pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which act similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain's pleasure center and leading to side-effects such as an increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement. Research has indicated that this stage generally lasts from one and a half to three years.

This intrigues me....and sometimes scares me to a certain extent, because 1) that's not a very long time (1.5-3 years) and 2) I think that there's something scary about the what I would call "good side effects" of this love being controlled by our own brains. It's not the idealized image of someone being able to cause something to us. It's just that our brain and body chemistry reacts to certain people more than others, to the extent of releasing the "happiness" chemicals. I don't like the thought that what I feel is just chemicals going through my body. Then again, what did I expect? I like permanence, but I don't think it's possible to have that.

I think this next paragraph is supposed to assuage my worries?

Since the lust and attraction stages are both considered temporary, a third stage is needed to account for long-term relationships. Attachment is the bonding which promotes relationships that last for many years, and even decades. Attachment is generally based on commitments such as marriage and children, or on mutual friendship based on things like shared interests. It has been linked to higher levels of the chemicals oxytocin and vasopressin than short-term relationships have.

I'm glad that in the later, long-term stages, there are higher levels of these chemicals in our brain. I wonder....perhaps some time in the future--when people get crazy and paranoid enough, and society has come to near-ruin from relationship disloyalty and failed marriages--people will have some sort of test to determine how much of each necessary chemical is in the brain to determine true love before marriage. *shudders* However, in retrospect, if love is supposed to give you all those good feelings, then what do would they call the gap in-between? I don't mean a literal gap, I meant all the worries and such, like what I had in an earlier post. There were many, many worries. Also, in retrospect, I don't think these feelings are irreversible.

Then, psychologically, there is the Triangular theory of love that is--like wikipedia warned us at the top of the article--not to be confused with "love triangles". XDDDD I find that absolutely hilarious! Anyway, there are three levels that determine the level of this love that people have for one another. Each type is described below, and I think that it's very interesting to describe these in such ways. Supposedly "consummate love" is the "perfect couple" but heh....the great thing about this theory is that the psychologist that developed this theory stressed that it might be harder to maintain than it was to reach it. I think I have a quote that is one on my list of very few reasons why I still choose to express things

"Without expression," he warns, "even the greatest of loves can die"

It has the potential to turn into "companionate love" where the passion/desire is gone. Heh, I think Stacy and I talked about these one time. She says it makes her sad to see those because you can tell that they were once probably really "in love" and then when they got to be as old as they are....it just died.

Alternatively, if you go back to the love article, there is something else that amuses me.

Peck maintains that love is a combination of the "concern for the spiritual growth of another", and simple narcissism. In combination, love is an activity, not simply a feeling.

I'm glad that it's narcissism as well...and I'm glad that my arrogant ego can finally realize that now. I think it is true, though...that people tend to be attracted to people who are similar to them. I read the rest of the article, and I don't think there is anything else I want to talk about...but then....idk....this is hazy. For some reason, it is comforting yet not so at the same time.

I want an answer. I would like for everything to be clearly defined. However, I don't think that's possible sometimes.

50 years of greatness

50th anniversary of the LEGO brick

Happy Birthday!

.....

I don't like people who lie.....when their lies definitely has the potential to hurt others.

afternoon songs

dashboard

morning worries

Atonement really bothers me....and you know why? It confirmed my belief that certain things are just not achievable regardless of how strongly you feel about it. Take what happened in the movie for example. It really does not matter at all whether or not two people love each other, sometimes they just don't have the right circumstances and time and space and opportunities and even the freedom to see each other. You know how much that freaking sucks? Maybe I'm over-thinking this and perhaps it doesn't even make sense why I should be angry at this concept. Perhaps, you say, this person that I am very fond of is imagined, or....maybe we're not fond of each other to that degree. Well....regardless of what the case is, I am certain that it's painful for me at least. Perhaps it's not the same in the other person's case, but...well, if that's the case, that's quite unfortunate, but it doesn't change the way I view them...and if they were to ask me to stop, it's ok. For as long as that doesn't happen, this is what I'm feeling.

At this moment where I'm feeling especially discouraged, part of me is seriously wondering why I'm engaged in this....but then I slap myself on the head because that's preposterous. I'm the kind of person where if something bothers me and I could do something about it, I will get myself out of it. The fact that I'm wondering why I'm engaged in this tells me that it's not something I want to get out of. Then I wondered to myself whether or not this is something that matters that much to me, because in this moment of discouragement of mine, I don't really feel like being optimistic about my current predicament, much less my future one. Talking about my future one, I was wondering whether or not there is a point to engage in the current predicament...because the future does not look so certain, and I don't make unstable investments. However, I remind you again that this is not something I want to get out of....and at this point, I'm sure you're asking me why. Why? Perhaps this is stupid of me, but this person is worth it. If you don't believe me, you're ridiculous because it's 3:20 am at this moment in time, and I can't sleep. I've been keeping this optimism...but after reviewing my updated circumstances in this situation as of 2 am, I feel like circumstances aren't really in my favor, I feel like opportunities aren't in my favor, and it's not that I don't want to do anything about it, it's because the opportunities are not those I can make for myself. I have no car, even if I did, doesn't mean a simple trip there will be successful because there are other controlling factors. I feel helpless, and it's the kind of helpless where it is out of my control, and I can't stand it.

The future looks better, but not that much better. It seems like so far two lives are going totally separate. I think about that all the time, and with each passing day that takes me closer to graduation, I think about the possibility of losing this person. There have been talks about efforts towards communication and visits, and (optimistically) about how we're never going to forget. You know what scares me? There were people in 5th grade that I resolved to say that about, and you know what I remember about them now? Nothing. It's not a matter of remembering, it's whether or not I will remember the first moment when I first had this epiphany about how I felt about them, or remember the moment when I first said those three words and mean it. It feels silly to say that. I'm sure it is. It also always feels silly to have a first of something and not know how the other person feels about it or what kind of standing it has--which leads to the next important thing...I don't want to grow up to be the kind of broken person who remembers these small and silly things about someone who doesn't feel the same for me anymore and can't remember these same things. That would be a tragic existence that I don't want to be trapped into. I also don't want to be trapped in a situation where I remember nothing. To me, being able to forget means that the event never had that much significance in your mind anyway. Sometimes when we talk, I can't help but think--it's so horrible of me, I think--that if they weren't sure in the first place then....how....how do they know? Of course, we've talked about how one will never really know, and that's true...something I feel now might not be something I'll feel later. That scares me, too. That scares me that we can't possibly know.

I wouldn't say I have inadequacy issues, because I am a slightly confident-arrogant person who thinks that I'm very capable. On the other hand, I just worry, not because I myself am inadequate, but because--and I've been taught this ever since I was little--that everybody has someone who is better than them in some aspect. You know...that is true, and what if someone is better than me in the right (or in my case, wrong) aspects? *sigh* that might prompt a leave, too. I worry about that a lot...but I'm also pained by the fact that if it does happen, I'd rather let it go than make the other person unhappy. You see what has happened to me? I feel trapped, and yet I like it enough to stay in it? It feels to me like some twisted game that I keep playing, a puzzle that leads to more puzzles, and I'm not sure if this feeling is associated with "love" and fondness. I hope it does not, because I think it means that I'll be in quite a predicament in the future.

It bothers me...it bothers me that I am also forced to put a lot of other things above it. I don't want to, but I have to. Times spent together are like that candies in that secret stash that you have to search for every time you want it; you have to complete all the necessary steps in-between. Likewise, I have to let certain things happen that might get in the way...it's a part of life, a part of hoarding the stash...nobody has to know that you have it. I accept this, because I feel like I can't make too many demands...and that for as long as I am happy, and for as long as I have that stash/secret of mine...it's ok. However, it's as agonizing as going through a dinner that barely excites you, just to get the dessert that you truly want. When you finally get to the dessert, you barely have any room left for it; just like that I find myself having barely any time left for it. The thing is, your stash, the thing you want to get to, it's not a daily occurrence and yet....all the necessary steps in between ARE normal, daily occurrences that are absolutely necessary for some reason unknown to me. It's agonizing...

Yet, you know that in life, there are going to be some things and people that come before others...and you accept, because it'll break you more not to have it. It's like being a fanatic about Michaelangelo and never being able to see the Sistine Chapel in person. You can look at all the pictures and watch all the documentaries, you can buy paintings and replicas and photographs of it, hang it all over your wall. You can spend time with it, but it's not what you want. However, you're satisfied because having something it better than having nothing at all. It's the acceptance that kills, and you accept it, knowing that not accepting would kill even more. I'm sure no one agonizes about this issue the way I am right now. I'm sure the previous statement was a lie. What I meant was, no one around me. I'm not even sure if the other person is experiencing such a strong surge of fear and paranoia and contentment and bliss at the same time. Truly and honestly, it's that feeling you get when you spend time with someone you love and there are so many things you want to do with them, but you can't; yet in that disappointment, you're content because you get to see them and hear them and just be with them. I'm sure some of you would feel like the previous statement was overly dramatized,

The world strives to make things about them; I strive to make things not about me. Does that makes sense? I'm not trying to be a martyr, nor am I trying for guilt nor test anyone. I believe that things fall into place how they should be, and demanding anything puts me with the rest of the world in our self-pitying selfishness. I don't want that. At the same time, I can't seem to help the fact that I am pained. Not pained like I want to say that to let myself get something better out of my horrible predicament, but pained as in I don't know what to do about it. It is true pain.

It is 3:51 am, I feel all there is that I could feel...an inappropriate mix of good and bad that confuses me. I am 17; I do not think people of my age can adequately be feeling these things, and I hope this is not all a grand illusion. I'm not sure if I make sense anymore, but I shall retire for the night/morning....I have to wake up at 9:30 for a shower before meeting Frances. No...for those who are mistaken, she's not the most important person in my life. I think it would make me happier if she is, because perhaps I would then still be able to tell myself I'm not that deep into this. I'm sure I have failed my personal mission to stay above my comfortable place. However, I declare this new falling experience of mine with caution, fear and excitement. Caution out of the fear that it is not reciprocated, and excitement out of making that first milestone. One has to make it some time in life, why don't I be courageous for once and make it now. I love someone...and every time I think about that fact and that person, I think about all these things, all these worries....and I wonder sometimes...if this is reversible.

Yellow by Coldplay

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,

I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do

your skin Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
you know you know I love you so
You know I love you so

I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh what a thing to do

you know for you I'd bleed myself dry
For you I'd bleed myself dry

Its true look how they shine for you

look at the stars look how they shine for you
and all the things that you do