ohne dich

Ich verbrenne für dich

...

Ich falle für dich

...

Ich ertrinke in dir
Spür deinen Pulsschlag tief in mir

...

Ich bete zu Gott dass es nie endet
Dass dein Feuer mich ewig blendet
Ich vermiss dich zähle jede Sekunde

an abstract dissection

I'm not sure what I want to type, but I want to type something.

I have not been in the greatest of moods lately, and the only thing that's picking up the mood every once in a while is the residual happiness from the last extended weekend. I think I'll revisit something that I think I posted about a while ago.

I am going to revisit the wikipedia article about love.

Recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that as people fall in love, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals, including pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which act similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain's pleasure center and leading to side-effects such as an increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement. Research has indicated that this stage generally lasts from one and a half to three years.

This intrigues me....and sometimes scares me to a certain extent, because 1) that's not a very long time (1.5-3 years) and 2) I think that there's something scary about the what I would call "good side effects" of this love being controlled by our own brains. It's not the idealized image of someone being able to cause something to us. It's just that our brain and body chemistry reacts to certain people more than others, to the extent of releasing the "happiness" chemicals. I don't like the thought that what I feel is just chemicals going through my body. Then again, what did I expect? I like permanence, but I don't think it's possible to have that.

I think this next paragraph is supposed to assuage my worries?

Since the lust and attraction stages are both considered temporary, a third stage is needed to account for long-term relationships. Attachment is the bonding which promotes relationships that last for many years, and even decades. Attachment is generally based on commitments such as marriage and children, or on mutual friendship based on things like shared interests. It has been linked to higher levels of the chemicals oxytocin and vasopressin than short-term relationships have.

I'm glad that in the later, long-term stages, there are higher levels of these chemicals in our brain. I wonder....perhaps some time in the future--when people get crazy and paranoid enough, and society has come to near-ruin from relationship disloyalty and failed marriages--people will have some sort of test to determine how much of each necessary chemical is in the brain to determine true love before marriage. *shudders* However, in retrospect, if love is supposed to give you all those good feelings, then what do would they call the gap in-between? I don't mean a literal gap, I meant all the worries and such, like what I had in an earlier post. There were many, many worries. Also, in retrospect, I don't think these feelings are irreversible.

Then, psychologically, there is the Triangular theory of love that is--like wikipedia warned us at the top of the article--not to be confused with "love triangles". XDDDD I find that absolutely hilarious! Anyway, there are three levels that determine the level of this love that people have for one another. Each type is described below, and I think that it's very interesting to describe these in such ways. Supposedly "consummate love" is the "perfect couple" but heh....the great thing about this theory is that the psychologist that developed this theory stressed that it might be harder to maintain than it was to reach it. I think I have a quote that is one on my list of very few reasons why I still choose to express things

"Without expression," he warns, "even the greatest of loves can die"

It has the potential to turn into "companionate love" where the passion/desire is gone. Heh, I think Stacy and I talked about these one time. She says it makes her sad to see those because you can tell that they were once probably really "in love" and then when they got to be as old as they are....it just died.

Alternatively, if you go back to the love article, there is something else that amuses me.

Peck maintains that love is a combination of the "concern for the spiritual growth of another", and simple narcissism. In combination, love is an activity, not simply a feeling.

I'm glad that it's narcissism as well...and I'm glad that my arrogant ego can finally realize that now. I think it is true, though...that people tend to be attracted to people who are similar to them. I read the rest of the article, and I don't think there is anything else I want to talk about...but then....idk....this is hazy. For some reason, it is comforting yet not so at the same time.

I want an answer. I would like for everything to be clearly defined. However, I don't think that's possible sometimes.

50 years of greatness

50th anniversary of the LEGO brick

Happy Birthday!

.....

I don't like people who lie.....when their lies definitely has the potential to hurt others.

afternoon songs

dashboard

morning worries

Atonement really bothers me....and you know why? It confirmed my belief that certain things are just not achievable regardless of how strongly you feel about it. Take what happened in the movie for example. It really does not matter at all whether or not two people love each other, sometimes they just don't have the right circumstances and time and space and opportunities and even the freedom to see each other. You know how much that freaking sucks? Maybe I'm over-thinking this and perhaps it doesn't even make sense why I should be angry at this concept. Perhaps, you say, this person that I am very fond of is imagined, or....maybe we're not fond of each other to that degree. Well....regardless of what the case is, I am certain that it's painful for me at least. Perhaps it's not the same in the other person's case, but...well, if that's the case, that's quite unfortunate, but it doesn't change the way I view them...and if they were to ask me to stop, it's ok. For as long as that doesn't happen, this is what I'm feeling.

At this moment where I'm feeling especially discouraged, part of me is seriously wondering why I'm engaged in this....but then I slap myself on the head because that's preposterous. I'm the kind of person where if something bothers me and I could do something about it, I will get myself out of it. The fact that I'm wondering why I'm engaged in this tells me that it's not something I want to get out of. Then I wondered to myself whether or not this is something that matters that much to me, because in this moment of discouragement of mine, I don't really feel like being optimistic about my current predicament, much less my future one. Talking about my future one, I was wondering whether or not there is a point to engage in the current predicament...because the future does not look so certain, and I don't make unstable investments. However, I remind you again that this is not something I want to get out of....and at this point, I'm sure you're asking me why. Why? Perhaps this is stupid of me, but this person is worth it. If you don't believe me, you're ridiculous because it's 3:20 am at this moment in time, and I can't sleep. I've been keeping this optimism...but after reviewing my updated circumstances in this situation as of 2 am, I feel like circumstances aren't really in my favor, I feel like opportunities aren't in my favor, and it's not that I don't want to do anything about it, it's because the opportunities are not those I can make for myself. I have no car, even if I did, doesn't mean a simple trip there will be successful because there are other controlling factors. I feel helpless, and it's the kind of helpless where it is out of my control, and I can't stand it.

The future looks better, but not that much better. It seems like so far two lives are going totally separate. I think about that all the time, and with each passing day that takes me closer to graduation, I think about the possibility of losing this person. There have been talks about efforts towards communication and visits, and (optimistically) about how we're never going to forget. You know what scares me? There were people in 5th grade that I resolved to say that about, and you know what I remember about them now? Nothing. It's not a matter of remembering, it's whether or not I will remember the first moment when I first had this epiphany about how I felt about them, or remember the moment when I first said those three words and mean it. It feels silly to say that. I'm sure it is. It also always feels silly to have a first of something and not know how the other person feels about it or what kind of standing it has--which leads to the next important thing...I don't want to grow up to be the kind of broken person who remembers these small and silly things about someone who doesn't feel the same for me anymore and can't remember these same things. That would be a tragic existence that I don't want to be trapped into. I also don't want to be trapped in a situation where I remember nothing. To me, being able to forget means that the event never had that much significance in your mind anyway. Sometimes when we talk, I can't help but think--it's so horrible of me, I think--that if they weren't sure in the first place then....how....how do they know? Of course, we've talked about how one will never really know, and that's true...something I feel now might not be something I'll feel later. That scares me, too. That scares me that we can't possibly know.

I wouldn't say I have inadequacy issues, because I am a slightly confident-arrogant person who thinks that I'm very capable. On the other hand, I just worry, not because I myself am inadequate, but because--and I've been taught this ever since I was little--that everybody has someone who is better than them in some aspect. You know...that is true, and what if someone is better than me in the right (or in my case, wrong) aspects? *sigh* that might prompt a leave, too. I worry about that a lot...but I'm also pained by the fact that if it does happen, I'd rather let it go than make the other person unhappy. You see what has happened to me? I feel trapped, and yet I like it enough to stay in it? It feels to me like some twisted game that I keep playing, a puzzle that leads to more puzzles, and I'm not sure if this feeling is associated with "love" and fondness. I hope it does not, because I think it means that I'll be in quite a predicament in the future.

It bothers me...it bothers me that I am also forced to put a lot of other things above it. I don't want to, but I have to. Times spent together are like that candies in that secret stash that you have to search for every time you want it; you have to complete all the necessary steps in-between. Likewise, I have to let certain things happen that might get in the way...it's a part of life, a part of hoarding the stash...nobody has to know that you have it. I accept this, because I feel like I can't make too many demands...and that for as long as I am happy, and for as long as I have that stash/secret of mine...it's ok. However, it's as agonizing as going through a dinner that barely excites you, just to get the dessert that you truly want. When you finally get to the dessert, you barely have any room left for it; just like that I find myself having barely any time left for it. The thing is, your stash, the thing you want to get to, it's not a daily occurrence and yet....all the necessary steps in between ARE normal, daily occurrences that are absolutely necessary for some reason unknown to me. It's agonizing...

Yet, you know that in life, there are going to be some things and people that come before others...and you accept, because it'll break you more not to have it. It's like being a fanatic about Michaelangelo and never being able to see the Sistine Chapel in person. You can look at all the pictures and watch all the documentaries, you can buy paintings and replicas and photographs of it, hang it all over your wall. You can spend time with it, but it's not what you want. However, you're satisfied because having something it better than having nothing at all. It's the acceptance that kills, and you accept it, knowing that not accepting would kill even more. I'm sure no one agonizes about this issue the way I am right now. I'm sure the previous statement was a lie. What I meant was, no one around me. I'm not even sure if the other person is experiencing such a strong surge of fear and paranoia and contentment and bliss at the same time. Truly and honestly, it's that feeling you get when you spend time with someone you love and there are so many things you want to do with them, but you can't; yet in that disappointment, you're content because you get to see them and hear them and just be with them. I'm sure some of you would feel like the previous statement was overly dramatized,

The world strives to make things about them; I strive to make things not about me. Does that makes sense? I'm not trying to be a martyr, nor am I trying for guilt nor test anyone. I believe that things fall into place how they should be, and demanding anything puts me with the rest of the world in our self-pitying selfishness. I don't want that. At the same time, I can't seem to help the fact that I am pained. Not pained like I want to say that to let myself get something better out of my horrible predicament, but pained as in I don't know what to do about it. It is true pain.

It is 3:51 am, I feel all there is that I could feel...an inappropriate mix of good and bad that confuses me. I am 17; I do not think people of my age can adequately be feeling these things, and I hope this is not all a grand illusion. I'm not sure if I make sense anymore, but I shall retire for the night/morning....I have to wake up at 9:30 for a shower before meeting Frances. No...for those who are mistaken, she's not the most important person in my life. I think it would make me happier if she is, because perhaps I would then still be able to tell myself I'm not that deep into this. I'm sure I have failed my personal mission to stay above my comfortable place. However, I declare this new falling experience of mine with caution, fear and excitement. Caution out of the fear that it is not reciprocated, and excitement out of making that first milestone. One has to make it some time in life, why don't I be courageous for once and make it now. I love someone...and every time I think about that fact and that person, I think about all these things, all these worries....and I wonder sometimes...if this is reversible.

Yellow by Coldplay

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,

I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do

your skin Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
you know you know I love you so
You know I love you so

I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh what a thing to do

you know for you I'd bleed myself dry
For you I'd bleed myself dry

Its true look how they shine for you

look at the stars look how they shine for you
and all the things that you do

a thought

The steps I tread carefully are all in vain--like a trap, you have me tightly ensnared--and panic sets like heavy night as the possibility of freedom comes to light.

free time to think

I was thinking about what Stacy told me once about what she said to Neill. So....basically, to skip the story that I think I should not tell, she told him (in a letter, I think) that their relationship is just what he said about calling her on Christmas--I think it was Christmas--which is like a relationship where "oh....if the situation was different...*insert good comment here*" is the thing that keep reoccurring. She said that it was not the way to go about this....and even if they love each other, they can't just continuously have to do this because it's not healthy. That is a very valid point...however, I also believe that there are things that you can do to make situations like that better. I believe--maybe naively so--that things are based on what *you* decide to do, which means that if she really wanted to...and if they really loved each other that much, they'd both make the kind of decisions that would put them together. That is idealistic. It's not possible to do everything that you want to do. It's like...the concept of a secret, you know? Eventually, you'd going to be pushed to that decision of whether or not you should let it go. Things that strain the relationship are bound to catch up to you...and plus, these are people who never get to see each other and same with talking. That, no doubt, has something to do with it.

However, on the more irrelevant side, I think I like sending/receiving letters.

thoughts of the moment

Phantom of The Opera....ech....but it came up and lyrics are interesting...so...

What raging fires shall flood the soul? What rich desire unlocks its door? What sweet seduction lies before us . . .? Past the point of no return, the final threshold...what warm, unspoken secrets will we learn?

You have brought me to that moment where words run dry, to that moment--where speech disappears into silence, silence...

I have come here, hardly knowing the reason why...In my mind, I've already imagined our bodies entwining, defenseless and silent--and now I am here with you: no second thoughts, I've decided

Past the point of no return--no going back now: our passion-play has now, at last, begun....Past all thought of right or wrong...

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime. Lead me, save me from my solitude. Say you want me with you--there beside you...

Soo...I was thinking about this and this is one of those things where people are continually look for something else, something better. We talked about this in English class sophomore year and about how with the Phantom, there's like....passion or a lot of sexual tension....a lot of really strong emotions. With Raoul or w/e there's this almost boring fairy tale-ish love, which will work splendidly. Yet, between the two, I think that we decided as a class that the phantom is better, but she chooses Raoul. Why? Who knows....but I think my point is that obviously feelings/emotions/passions/whatever else...is not enough. I think that in terms of a future, the other guy offers a better one....and so I go back to the point that I always make: people will always look for the better choice. I don't think it ever matters what feelings/emotions/passions have to do with it. So the question I am asking is: Did you really want it in the first place? Do you think that perhaps what you felt was something you wanted to feel? I think these things are moments of indecision on humanity's part, and I hate it.

me according to "perfectmatch.com"

Nononononono, I am NOT seriously putting myself out there, I'm doing this for an application on facebook (go figure) it's false information and my junk mailbox + valid but not credible addresses and falsified personal info....the questionaire I actually answered fairly decently, but at one point I got tired and just clicked on choices randomly so part of it is true, part of it is not.

"You don't like romantic excess. You have don't like risk in general. You have a very coherent, comfortable personality type. You want a steadier, not volatile, not complicated emotional life. You look for balance; a home, a lifestyle that works, not just an absorbing career. You prefer a job that doesn't cause tension every day, and a relationship along those same lines. You want a companion and you want to guard against those things in life that make this less possible. You are essentially monogamous and want to find that one person who wants the same lifestyle that you do. You may not be politically conservative, but you are emotionally conservative and you would do best with someone very similar to you."

my life according to wiki

so I realized that I haven't posted anything substantial for a while, and since I can't sleep, I thought I might attempt to do that, now. I think what I should strive for is a "say it or don't give any trace of it at all" system. I think that's a better way to do something. Perhaps I'll go through my methodical way of doing something....let's start with wikipedia...

I think that life would be a lot better without these and that a permanent place ofimportance is perfectly represented by wiki still, and can only do so much for the human mentality.

I think that safety is silly and:

It's important to realize that safety is relative. Eliminating all risk, if even possible, would be extremely difficult and very expensive. A safe situation is one where risks of injury or property damage are low and manageable

Why? Simply because that expectation is not possible...therefore we fall into disappointment which, disappointingly, wikipedia does not have an article for.

If any individual in any relationship has a habit of doing this to people, then it si rather difficult for a relationship of Equivalent Exchange to exist between the two. Therefore, it is not a good life philosophy to adopt in the way that I'm expecting it to be, which is the expectation that the way I view, treat, and behave around a person will be reciprocated perhaps not in the same way but at least in some equivalence in the semantic sense that "that the sets a and b coincide, that they are identical. This does not mean that the concepts have the same meaning" This cannot work why? In the definition of the logical process itself, it's possible that the two things will not have the same meaning. This gives the individuals too much individual freedom to rationalize their side of the exchange as equivalent to the other's. If you are on the short end of the stick, this leads to constant disappointment that you have to rationalize over and over again. If the individual is one that puts safety (in this case emotional/mental) as a top priority then it will be further debunked by the fact that safety does not exist in constant disappointment, especially if the individual set up the safety priority as a result of some insecurity. This can be defined as "lack[ing] confidence in their own value and capability, trust in themselves or others, or has fears that a present positive state is temporary and will let them down and cause them loss or distress by "going wrong" in future."

So the cure is to first develop trust, which is not always possible if one defines safety as a criterion in trust. Do you see how this does not work in any logical sense of the word? In order to trust, one must have abandoned the sense of insecurity in order to believe in the safety that someone offers and if you need trust to believe in the safety and you need safety to trust, how does that work!?
____________________________________

Let's move on to the subject of secrets where:

Humans attempt to consciously conceal aspects of themselves from others due to shame, or from fear of rejection, loss of acceptance, or loss of employment. On a deeper level, humans attempt to conceal aspects of their own self which they are not capable of incorporating psychologically into their conscious being

Let's avoid the former argument and go to the latter. I want to know the point at which a secret is no longer a solution to the problem, but has become a problem itself. I think it's when the desire to manifest whatever it is interferes with the conscious life. It's good not to have a desirous secret, especially one to yourself. Then, if one is unable to incorporating it into conscious life, then shouldn't one want to know why so that the problem can be rectified? As a Buddhist, I don't think I should have desires....or perhaps that is misguided? I think I believe that:

for in the Phaedrus the soul is guided by two horses, a dark horse of passion and a white horse of reason. Here passion and reason, as in Aristotle, are also together. Socrates does not suggest the dark horse be done away with, since its passions make possible a movement towards the objects of desire, but he qualifies desire and places it in a relation to reason so that the object of desire can be discerned correctly, so that we may have the right desire.

Then in this situation, can anyone tell me what the "right" desire is? Is it the desire to keep it at bay until you've found a way to successfully incorporate it even if it means that might not happen due to your limited capabilities? Or is it to unleash it upon the unsuspecting world towards that goal of freeing oneself? Freedom...I also believe that freedom has to be necessarily sacrificed sometimes in order to achieve something or fully enjoy something to its entirety. Some things are better that way, eh? I think personal conflict arise when one needs to be more free to be able to enjoy something to its entirety, but in order to ensure that one has the potential to enjoy that same thing free from worries one would have to sacrifice freedom. Freedom is worst when there are more than one kinds of freedom interfering with each other.

I think this is where my thoughts and inquiries end for now.