So I have this new person I've been thinking of. As always, I have a song that I attach to them. This time it's Take Over Control by Afrojack and Eva Simons. Idk why, actually, so it intrigues me.

I saw you today. You saw me, but you avoided seeing me again by staying inside that building for almost an hour. This is getting really amusing. Was that really necessary?

Funny how my friends tell me they have been attempting to petition for you to come back into my life. Funny how they misunderstand that I want you to.


I would not mind if you do, but I would rather that you not feel like you're doing me a favor and giving me what I want by coming back into my life. Even if you don't, I don't want you to be smug that I want you back in my life. I don't. Inwardly, I might think about you a lot....even now I still do from time to time. But outwardly...I stopped expecting you a long time ago.

So even when my life seems great and better without you--to know that you're not doing well makes me worried for you. I'm not sure how you have this effect on me. But it's no longer my job to make sure you're alright. I don't want to hear about you anymore, so please stop letting yourself leak back into my life.

I Can't Lie

I must have been a fool to love you so hard for so long.
So much stronger than before, but so much harder to move on.
I can't lie.
You're on my mind--stuck inside my head.
I want to feel your heart beat for me instead.

Letter 4

You could come over and we could have Deja Vu.

Let's go back. I know it's been a minute, but I could do it better than I did when I did it.

But no. Waiting is for fools who think what they had was real. Memories are barely real. We have no evidence they exist any longer in the world except for what we conjure up when thinking of them. These conjured images are easily altered and easily faked by our own mind to suit our fancy. Are they real? Were you real?

Letter 3

Can you feel my heart break? Final act of kindness isn't too kind.

Letter 2

It's only come out recently, but when Stereo Hearts came out, I immediately thought it was the perfect song to describe how I feel about you.

Only you're the only girl that's played me and left a couple cracks.

Not meaning that in the romantic way, just that how you affect me is going to probably deeply change the way I view everyone from now on.

You were the first person I truly became close with. I don't really think I can ever do it to that extent again with any new people. Not saying this as a pity party for myself, I'm just telling you the truth of how I'm feeling--as I've always done. Wish you did the same for me, even if it was going to be difficult to hear.

Letter 1

I probably don't have time to post one a day. Despite being comforted by the suggestion that perhaps you did what you did for both of us, I just find that to be the most BS explanation there is.

If you care about someone, you hang onto them, not throw them away. I suppose my lesson from this is either you CAN throw them away or you don't really care. I find both to be improbable. I'm not sure which I should believe.

I tried hanging onto you for as long as I can, no matter how hard that was. I was thinking that maybe I just got too used to you. But no, I genuinely feel a sense of loss without you.

I thought maybe I demanded too much. No. Not really. I asked for whatever you can give. I didn't ask for you to return my feelings or anything like that. I ask you to at least be my best friend. I suppose even that's too much. I never once intended to try to change your mind. I thought, well...since I love her, I'll treat her how I think she should be treated. If she ever decides that I'm good enough, then that's my bonus. Sure you can say I was "pining". I'd say I was pining. What else could I call it? But I wasn't dependent on you changing your mind. I was happy with the way things are. You asked me once if I was happy. Was that your test? If so, I did knot that our relationship would hang on that one word "no". I'm as happy as I can be, but I stand by what I told you, I can never really be completely happy. I don't know how you want to take that, but that is what my answer still is. That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy your company. I loved your company more than anyone else's. I hope you know that. How naive if you ever thought otherwise.

A letter a day

Hedonistic Theories: what would be the best for someone is what would make his life happiest.

Desire-Fulfilment Theories: what would be the best for someone is what, throughout his life, would best fulfill his desires.

Objective List Theories: certain things are good or bad for us, whether or not we wanted the good things or to avoid the bad things.

AH. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

It's really funny how I never understand what our fights are about. I guess it's because you almost never give me a proper explanation before we stop talking. Most people--I would like to think this includes myself--argue, blow up, say all the angry things and stop talking because they are frustrated from yelling. I feel like most of the frustration I've ever felt were from silence. I really never understand why things end up the way they do.

After what happened happened, I felt pretty panicked. I felt like maybe there were a lot of reasons for you not to talk to me anymore. It was awkward, I said things that I didn't mean to say to you when I was not in the best mental shape. I don't know if you know, and I don't know if I ever said, but those things I said came from a pretty deep place of frustration. Years of pining for you and being what I thought was one of your closest friends and that night made me realize that a (so you've said) meaningless fling would come closer to being with you than I ever would. It's a pretty depressing place. Combined with the fact that it happened in front of me while my mind was already half gone and the anger, disappointment, hurt, whatever just took over. I couldn't even escape it, leave or close my eyes or something. I've already seen it, and there's nothing I can do to un-see it. I suppose I didn't have enough foresight to predict that perfect storm. With that said, I don't think those words accurately reflect the entirety of what I feel about you. Frustrated or not, you are probably one of the best things that ever happened to me. I've been asked why I think so highly of you, and sometimes I admit can't think of the reason myself. I just do. You're just the closest thing to what I've always envisioned as, well, what I hope to find out of a relationship--any type of relationship. I hope I've addressed that enough, I don't want to ramble too long.

I didn't know how it would change things. I didn't know if it would change for the worse like everyone else I've seen who liked you. I guess ever since I decided to tell you, I have always been anxiously waiting for my turn. I always thought "ah, when is it gonna be time for her to be afraid of me, too?" It was always lurking and I was always afraid of getting too comfortable with it. That's why I wanted to talk right away. I wanted to stop it before it can begin. I didn't think I was ready for it yet. To be honest, the talk was the most anticlimactic thing ever. I didn't know what to say, other than to be able to check your face when I tell you I'm afraid and I don't want you to avoid me. You didn't say much and I didn't know what I was saying. It was a bit of a disaster in my head. Not sure if you could tell then.

I just thought, maybe we'll just hang out in our free times, let it go back to normal and I'll never deal with it again. Or I'll just let you decide when you want to tell me what you're thinking. I didn't at first but I actually eventually believed you when you said you were busy since summer was nearing. I went on with my activities and then found out on hanging out with someone that you haven't been booked solid busy as you said. That was pretty disappointing. I felt pretty duped and gullible and naive. Started to feel pretty unsure and started to want to check back with you more, told you how I felt. After little to no responses came, I just let it sit for a week, two weeks, tried again a couple of times in the summer, a week, two weeks. I didn't find out you'd make it so final until I tried to tell you about something online and realized I no longer could. I don't know what happened really, but I got no explanation and a lasting impression of being lied to and avoided. So you tell me now how I'm supposed to feel?

Also, though I'm ok with how I feel and who I like, I'm not sure if I'm ready yet for the world to know. Sure they can suspect, ponder or even ask--but I'm not too comfortable with it going around without my control. I'm not even comfortable to tell P yet, but I felt like I had to after that comment was made and she talked to me about it. I don't like being forced to tell someone something that was supposed to be my decision to reveal. I don't like not being able to control when it was revealed and I don't like being uncomfortable about it. I generally don't think that's how those things are meant to happen. It was a little disappointing since it was obvious to me from the comment that its origin might lie with you.

Actually, though you can't control it, the comment itself was pretty insensitive. I don't "hit on" every girl I know and the it seemed to be leading toward that place. Maybe it's my misconception, but if it was leading to that place, then it came from a pretty ignorant place about the way those things work. Whatever. no one can control that and I've said my piece. So enough about that.

I feel like whether you choose to do something about this or not, I'd rather you know what I'm thinking than not know. I don't want things to possibly end on some misunderstanding. I was going to avoid having to make this conversation, but as school starts and you've already come up in conversation, I figured I can't avoid it any longer. It'd be nice to get a response, but if you don't feel inclined, don't worry. I won't be counting on it. I'm always up for conversation, but I'm not gonna force it or wait for it. If I hadn't made one final attempt, I would be stuck with the "what if"s forever.

Thanks for reading. If it is the last conversation I'll have with you--then it was nice meeting you.

ah

It's scary.

New York Trip

YAY!! This is planned for Tuesday, July 26th (at least I think it's the 26th).


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And then when I get to DC the next day on Wednesday, July 27th:


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You're too much. You know that? You're just too much for me. I think I've finally taken in enough of you.

Maybe not. But I feel like I'm always 99% there. Maybe if I get that final 1% I'll do better.

You know what I've been thinking about this whole time? How nice it was back before you stepped back in fear and tossed it away.

Now I'm not so sure how I never remembered these times, when you stepped all over my feelings. Thanks for reminding me.

It's too easy for you, it seems.

I'm such a coward. Telling things I want to tell you through diluted means in fear that you'll be even more determined to leave me if you knew just how I really feel.

I'm Never Gonna Leave This Bed.

you know...

this is the playlist I've been listening to lately. Songs have a funny effect on people in that no matter what mood you're in, the right songs to describe your mood will just gravitate toward you.

songs

ah...this trying not to like you thing is so hard. You really know how to make me feel bad, don't you?

I've decided to take up music again to forget about you. So let's go back to normal once we're just friends.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I was thinking today about how I feel about you. You seem to be afraid of my feelings for you more and more, just as I think I'm beginning to handle my feelings for you better and better. At first, when I first found out that I liked you, it was so overwhelming that I could have burst. Fear swept over me like a monsoon and wiped out all the things I knew how to do around you. I became flustered when you seemed angry, I became dumb when you asked me things. My brain knew not what to do.

Now, I know that I should dampen it down when I see you even though I still get so happy that I feel I will burst. This is from me knowing that it's so much more worth it to stick around as your friend then to fumble around as someone who likes you. I know that now, but I don't think you do. I'm not sure why but I feel like you are just starting to get the scope and magnitude of my feelings for you. I felt like I've made it clear, but I suppose not. It seems you're more afraid now than you were before of my feelings for you. I'm not sure why it's so intimidating or upsetting. Have I not the right to like you?

You asked me if it tormented me to be around you. I've talked about this before, but it seems nowadays you've managed to make it more tormenting. Was it my outburst that night when I couldn't contain myself? I'm not sure if I hurt your feelings or if I made you angry. Perhaps it was a combination of both. What I screamed that night wasn't a display of my anger toward you. It was simply my anger at my inability to do anything about what was happening in front of me. There was this weird sense of helplessness where I didn't know where I could go. I was in my own room at my own apartment. Where else could I go but out? I couldn't go anywhere too far in my state of mind then. I didn't know what else to do to ignore it when I've been trying a million and one things to ignore it before I just decided to wash it down with something--anything that could close my eyes and rest my brain.

No matter how much I had, I saw it. I saw you walk past me to the bathroom and come back out to resume yourself. I washed it down some more. My vision started to blur and it made me extremely happy, until the inside of my eyelids betrayed me. It's so hard to take when it's inside your brain. At that point, I hated everything. I hated encouraging you to do what you did. I hated encouraging him to do what he did. I hate thinking that I would be ok enough to see it. I hate that I didn't foresee or plan for this. There was so much panic and hurt and anger at everything that I couldn't contain myself. I remember sobbing uncontrollably. I remember what I said. I remember every bit of that feeling now.

But what can I do?

It felt overwhelmingly like my fault. Afterward, I remember him being annoyed at me for interrupting. Ah. I remember thinking. How dare you? How dare you tell me that? The audacity. The only saving grace for him was when I realized that he's now in my boat. Funny. If it wasn't for the fact that my body hated me that day, I would've tried to wash it down some more that night. And why not?! I could still see it. I could still feel it. It was overwhelming. I talked to my guy/girl-talk combo and it took so much to keep it together. They knew. They sensed my complete breakdown and disappointment and the sweet guy just offered to take me away. They'll steal me from you, they thought. They'll take me to his house so I can play with his dogs, eat with his family and forget about you. He thought I was absolutely nuts for planning to spend hours upon hours with you the next day. She just gave up on me because she could not understand.

Honestly, I couldn't understand it either. I just wanted to be around you. What was disappointing about that weekend was that it was the start of you feeling the exact opposite. You didn't want to be around me, around us anymore. I'm not sure if that was self-preservation or me-preservation, but it didn't feel like anything but bad to me. At that point, I thought I should tell you how I feel. I should let it all out. I don't know what else to do but to poor it all out for you to see. I was hoping you'd see for yourself that what I felt about you hadn't changed and that you shouldn't change either. But in the coming week, I think you did change. You told me a few times it had changed. You want to avoid me. I couldn't understand it.

I should be the one wanting to avoid you. I should be the one that's hurt beyond all reason. I should have done what The Couple told me to do and run away. I didn't. I was proud for being so brave.

Then I just felt like an idiot. "How could I have thought she'd be ok with this?"; "How could I have made myself believe this didn't change anything?"; "What an idiot."

I wholeheartedly believed that talking to you would help. Perhaps if I could...I don't know what I was going to do. I think I ended up splaying myself out on that table for you to see and you saw *something* that you didn't want to see. Ah...I felt so stupid afterward when I realize I might've made it worse.

Now I'm not sure what I feel anymore. Still some disappointment, still some anger. Disappointed that you can't claw through the situation like I'm having to fight tooth and nail and angry that I am disappointed.

Tell me what you want to make it normal again. I want it to be normal. I'll forget it. I'll stop seeing it. I'll stop feeling it. I'll stop remembering it. Whatever it takes for you to feel comfortable.

the complacent place

I think I'm reaching that place again where I start to want to talk less and less.

ideas are stupid.

Retract, retract, retract.

Maroon 5 always knows what to say.

Runaway

What am I supposed to do to get by
Did I loose everything I need to survive
Cause its 4AM and the sweats sets in
Did you get my message, did it send
Or did you just get on with your life, oh

I'm taking time to thinking I
Don't think it's fair for us to
Turn around and say goodbye
I have this feeling when I
Finally find the words to say
But I can't tell you if you turn around and runaway, runaway

boucing ideas off of myself

The question was presented in a conversation of whether or not I am tormented everyday being around someone I l____ but who does not feel the same way. Well...I am tormented by it every time I'm with the person, but is it...too much? I find it amusing that everyone finds it too much for me but myself. Maybe I'm idealistic and a bit naive, but I can't see why they think so. When you l___ someone, isn't it that you always want to be around them no matter what? I mean, don't get me wrong, there are moments where I'm thinking "Ahhhh, fuck!" but to me it's never been "I gotta get away."

So this weekend I did feel like I was kinda unexpectedly slapped in the face. It's like....I came to a restaurant expecting to like it but then it gave me the grossest experience ever. I think that's the best analogy for what happened to me. Looking back at it and talking about it with T, I realized that I was absolutely stupid to have suggested that restaurant and sought it out for myself in the first place. Ahh....so stupid. There was this weird mix of self-loathing from when I'm pissed at myself for not being able to control how I feel. I mean, that's my strong point...I've always been able to keep in what I needed to keep in and flush out what I needed to flush out. Maybe it was the alcohol forcing the floodgates, but I just could not keep it together. I felt so disappointed in so many things I just didn't know how to control it. There were also so many things that have been kept in for so long that when everything else came out, it came out, too. ARGH.

Sometimes when I'm told that I should leave it alone for a while. By it, I mean to stop trying to beat myself with it until I get used it. I was offered a chance to go away to Greensboro for the weekend to just get away from it....I was offered a real chance and I didn't take it because I honestly believed that I can withstand it. I have mixed feelings about how I fared...which means I did wish I can get away but I'm glad I didn't do that and I'm glad I faced it how I wanted to.

What do I like about this? About you? I'm asked this every time and every time I answer the same. You know me, you make me laugh, you make me comfortable. Your smile instantly makes me feel good, you make me feel good, being around you makes me feel good. I can't imagine not being around you. It seems silly to me that you didn't know so.

hmm

nothing like watching the girl I love do stuff with someone else while I'm drunk. life is great.

Night thoughts

GAH. I'm having one of those moments where I feel like I'm about to burst again. absolutely burst.

There's so much keyboard smashing in my head that I don't even know where to start.