I was thinking today about how I feel about you. You seem to be afraid of my feelings for you more and more, just as I think I'm beginning to handle my feelings for you better and better. At first, when I first found out that I liked you, it was so overwhelming that I could have burst. Fear swept over me like a monsoon and wiped out all the things I knew how to do around you. I became flustered when you seemed angry, I became dumb when you asked me things. My brain knew not what to do.

Now, I know that I should dampen it down when I see you even though I still get so happy that I feel I will burst. This is from me knowing that it's so much more worth it to stick around as your friend then to fumble around as someone who likes you. I know that now, but I don't think you do. I'm not sure why but I feel like you are just starting to get the scope and magnitude of my feelings for you. I felt like I've made it clear, but I suppose not. It seems you're more afraid now than you were before of my feelings for you. I'm not sure why it's so intimidating or upsetting. Have I not the right to like you?

You asked me if it tormented me to be around you. I've talked about this before, but it seems nowadays you've managed to make it more tormenting. Was it my outburst that night when I couldn't contain myself? I'm not sure if I hurt your feelings or if I made you angry. Perhaps it was a combination of both. What I screamed that night wasn't a display of my anger toward you. It was simply my anger at my inability to do anything about what was happening in front of me. There was this weird sense of helplessness where I didn't know where I could go. I was in my own room at my own apartment. Where else could I go but out? I couldn't go anywhere too far in my state of mind then. I didn't know what else to do to ignore it when I've been trying a million and one things to ignore it before I just decided to wash it down with something--anything that could close my eyes and rest my brain.

No matter how much I had, I saw it. I saw you walk past me to the bathroom and come back out to resume yourself. I washed it down some more. My vision started to blur and it made me extremely happy, until the inside of my eyelids betrayed me. It's so hard to take when it's inside your brain. At that point, I hated everything. I hated encouraging you to do what you did. I hated encouraging him to do what he did. I hate thinking that I would be ok enough to see it. I hate that I didn't foresee or plan for this. There was so much panic and hurt and anger at everything that I couldn't contain myself. I remember sobbing uncontrollably. I remember what I said. I remember every bit of that feeling now.

But what can I do?

It felt overwhelmingly like my fault. Afterward, I remember him being annoyed at me for interrupting. Ah. I remember thinking. How dare you? How dare you tell me that? The audacity. The only saving grace for him was when I realized that he's now in my boat. Funny. If it wasn't for the fact that my body hated me that day, I would've tried to wash it down some more that night. And why not?! I could still see it. I could still feel it. It was overwhelming. I talked to my guy/girl-talk combo and it took so much to keep it together. They knew. They sensed my complete breakdown and disappointment and the sweet guy just offered to take me away. They'll steal me from you, they thought. They'll take me to his house so I can play with his dogs, eat with his family and forget about you. He thought I was absolutely nuts for planning to spend hours upon hours with you the next day. She just gave up on me because she could not understand.

Honestly, I couldn't understand it either. I just wanted to be around you. What was disappointing about that weekend was that it was the start of you feeling the exact opposite. You didn't want to be around me, around us anymore. I'm not sure if that was self-preservation or me-preservation, but it didn't feel like anything but bad to me. At that point, I thought I should tell you how I feel. I should let it all out. I don't know what else to do but to poor it all out for you to see. I was hoping you'd see for yourself that what I felt about you hadn't changed and that you shouldn't change either. But in the coming week, I think you did change. You told me a few times it had changed. You want to avoid me. I couldn't understand it.

I should be the one wanting to avoid you. I should be the one that's hurt beyond all reason. I should have done what The Couple told me to do and run away. I didn't. I was proud for being so brave.

Then I just felt like an idiot. "How could I have thought she'd be ok with this?"; "How could I have made myself believe this didn't change anything?"; "What an idiot."

I wholeheartedly believed that talking to you would help. Perhaps if I could...I don't know what I was going to do. I think I ended up splaying myself out on that table for you to see and you saw *something* that you didn't want to see. Ah...I felt so stupid afterward when I realize I might've made it worse.

Now I'm not sure what I feel anymore. Still some disappointment, still some anger. Disappointed that you can't claw through the situation like I'm having to fight tooth and nail and angry that I am disappointed.

Tell me what you want to make it normal again. I want it to be normal. I'll forget it. I'll stop seeing it. I'll stop feeling it. I'll stop remembering it. Whatever it takes for you to feel comfortable.

the complacent place

I think I'm reaching that place again where I start to want to talk less and less.

ideas are stupid.

Retract, retract, retract.

Maroon 5 always knows what to say.

Runaway

What am I supposed to do to get by
Did I loose everything I need to survive
Cause its 4AM and the sweats sets in
Did you get my message, did it send
Or did you just get on with your life, oh

I'm taking time to thinking I
Don't think it's fair for us to
Turn around and say goodbye
I have this feeling when I
Finally find the words to say
But I can't tell you if you turn around and runaway, runaway

boucing ideas off of myself

The question was presented in a conversation of whether or not I am tormented everyday being around someone I l____ but who does not feel the same way. Well...I am tormented by it every time I'm with the person, but is it...too much? I find it amusing that everyone finds it too much for me but myself. Maybe I'm idealistic and a bit naive, but I can't see why they think so. When you l___ someone, isn't it that you always want to be around them no matter what? I mean, don't get me wrong, there are moments where I'm thinking "Ahhhh, fuck!" but to me it's never been "I gotta get away."

So this weekend I did feel like I was kinda unexpectedly slapped in the face. It's like....I came to a restaurant expecting to like it but then it gave me the grossest experience ever. I think that's the best analogy for what happened to me. Looking back at it and talking about it with T, I realized that I was absolutely stupid to have suggested that restaurant and sought it out for myself in the first place. Ahh....so stupid. There was this weird mix of self-loathing from when I'm pissed at myself for not being able to control how I feel. I mean, that's my strong point...I've always been able to keep in what I needed to keep in and flush out what I needed to flush out. Maybe it was the alcohol forcing the floodgates, but I just could not keep it together. I felt so disappointed in so many things I just didn't know how to control it. There were also so many things that have been kept in for so long that when everything else came out, it came out, too. ARGH.

Sometimes when I'm told that I should leave it alone for a while. By it, I mean to stop trying to beat myself with it until I get used it. I was offered a chance to go away to Greensboro for the weekend to just get away from it....I was offered a real chance and I didn't take it because I honestly believed that I can withstand it. I have mixed feelings about how I fared...which means I did wish I can get away but I'm glad I didn't do that and I'm glad I faced it how I wanted to.

What do I like about this? About you? I'm asked this every time and every time I answer the same. You know me, you make me laugh, you make me comfortable. Your smile instantly makes me feel good, you make me feel good, being around you makes me feel good. I can't imagine not being around you. It seems silly to me that you didn't know so.

hmm

nothing like watching the girl I love do stuff with someone else while I'm drunk. life is great.

Night thoughts

GAH. I'm having one of those moments where I feel like I'm about to burst again. absolutely burst.

There's so much keyboard smashing in my head that I don't even know where to start.

home

I'm at home and I'm so unhappy. There's nothing to make me unhappy directly. Just myself. I feel so...guilty every time I look at my family. I suppose you won't understand that. But I do. I want to tell you. But I guess you're asleep.

Cowardice

Am I a coward or am I courageous? Sometimes I'm a bit of both.

Hmm

I am simply bursting out of my physical shell. I'm not sure from what....but I am sure I can't contain it any longer.

Maybe it's fat.

Haha

No...I'm joking. I suppose I was wondering if there is such a thing as "the true love"

Through a conversation I had two days ago, I was asked (since I was talking about experiencing this feeling of complete...knowledge) how I knew of that knowledge. I...I'm not sure how I knew. I wasn't even sure I knew for the longest time, really. I would like to think that I'm more sensible than that. That I won't be one of those "I saw and I just knew" people. I suppose I'm not sensible. I suppose I'm simply...weak. For now I can't be sure unless I hold on to that feeling, that knowledge...and just go with it. Hold onto it really tight and go with it. That's what I'm doing. Sometimes I feel it letting go of me for one reason or another. Sometimes I'm not really the greatest of persons and it's letting go as if it's telling me I should be better. Or perhaps it's the other way around and I'm simply telling it to hold on so I can see if I can dissuade myself. Either way, I hope that at the end I will be able to say that this was the one.

Meanwhile, I could probably describe to you that first feeling. Perhaps I'm romanticizing a bit, so bear with me, but it simply just dawned on me like a flash of light. It was so instantaneous and so revealing. I didn't know what to do afterwards but try to hold onto it for longer and longer. It's been a little over 4 years and I suppose I'm still trying. It all started with a handshake and it took me by complete surprise. So I suppose to answer that question from two days ago: I speak of it as if I know because I DO know.

Considerations

Just now, I had considered telling you:

"Even though I have my own grievances, I guess I was inconsiderate not to consider your grievances for me. You know that really common, cheesy saying that goes something like, "Anything worth having is worth fighting for," really hits home for me today. And I had considered that I insulted you by thinking that you didn't think enough of our friendship. I considered also that perhaps you're waiting for me to not be such a spineless jellyfish and own up to these considerations. I had not acted on these for fear of them being rejected. But now I'm confident that if I have put value on this friendship, then you have, too. And I won't insult you further. As my best friend, you deserve more than my pride and you should be past the argument of who's right and who's wrong. The only question of mine that concerns you should be, "Are you worth it?" And for me, you're worth...well, everything. My pride, my ego, my grievances because my friendship with you should be most important to me."

You aren't just anyone, and I can't afford to let this run on. Whether you'll accept that now depends on you. I would be lying if I said I won't be disappointed if you didn't accept. But at least after this, I would be able to walk away knowing that I told you how I felt. You should know how I feel already, but just in case. I've never had one before, so if I'm clumsy in my profession...well, then that's just what I am.

house rant

So I'm here to rant about the episode of House that just happened last night. Cuddy has been angry at House for lying to her about being 100% sure of a patient's condition so that he can go ahead and give the patient the procedure that he knows will save him (the patient's dying). Cuddy, newly dating House, decides to use her new emotional dating powers over him in order to guilt him about lying to her when she was the one that was being stubborn. If he had told the truth (that he had no definitive proof) that the patient had the disease, the patient would not have received the treatment, which would not have save him. He would have DIED. I'm sorry. What part of DIE don't they understand? Well, the thing is, Cuddy reminds me of a lot of people i know in real life. I mean, sure honesty is the best policy, WHEN IT CAN BE PRODUCTIVE. ugh. I mean, even if it was ok for her to get angry at him like that, it was not ok for her to force him into saying that he'll never lie to her again. NEVER? really. really now? I think that has as good of a chance of holding up as me surviving to a ripe old age after being infected with ebola. Don't think so. TV needs to stop making people so damn delusional. Honestly.

This is what trust is about. Trust is not about believing that a person will never, ever, without a doubt lie to you. No. I think that's a wrong perception of trust. Trust is about being able to believe that a person will never put you in harm's way. Sure, you can take it literally and argue the former, but the latter definition, I think, is the most accurate. Ok. Say I lie to you about having taken my fish oils this morning. What am I doing to you by lying about that? Would it make a difference if I realized I forgot, lied to you, and then go and take it? No. No. Not at all. But let's say you found out and got pissed at me over it. Saying that you put your trust in me to take my meds. What the hell? Why does it matter? My promise to you is to keep myself well for you. My promise to you is to try my best to keep you well and happy. Does that have anything to do with your happiness? Something as petty as me taking my fish oils? Gah, these girls need to take a chill pill and deal. Just know that the basic facts are true. I love you. I love you. I love you. That's it.

wow

It's been a while since I've felt like I can't express what I want to say to anyone.

So I'm going to be frank. no beating around the bush.

here's the setup, alright?

There are two people, whom I equally consider my best friends. One of them just happen to be dating me. a skirmish of sorts happened between them. A invites a person C that B doesn't like to something we were all going to. A didn't apologize rite away. B finds A pretty insensitive (this is true point #1) but since B wasn't too nice to A's friend (whom B hates), A feels this is rude and feels that even if they are in the wrong for inviting C, B should at least be nice as long as the it has happened (understandable point #1.

A did not do it out of malice (true point #2) but B finds it REALLY offensive and inconsiderate (understandable point #2). B points out to me that A has been inconsiderate about those types of things to both me and B and other people around A for a long time now and that A can't keep acting like a child and have to start taking responsibility for what they do (true point #3, imo).

So. I honestly agree with both of them on several terms, which you can deduce from what I find true and understandable. B shuns A and they are not talking. A has made some effort, but not anything too apologetic because of their insistence that B was also wrong, and that they can't truly apologize unless B sees their wrongness in this whole thing, too (understandable point #3). Oy. This is where the dilemma comes in. Thinking what I think, and them being the meaningful people they are in my life, I can't really choose one over the other without any nagging guilt. Both wants me to choose them because they're right. I give it to them that they are right, but each also has a wrong, which I consider either equal or that A is only slightly more wrong. It's pretty close.

Should I choose A, whom I'm dating, simply because A is who I'm dating and I should feel obliged to support them when B has stopped talking to them? or should I choose B, whom I might think is more right if I really think about it.

The underlying problem here is also that I like both of them. simply put, it's a known preference of mine to choose B over A if I really had a choice of whom I'm most attracted to and feel more of a mental bond toward (however, emotional bond toward A is pretty strong).

So a new problem (outside of the right/wrong problem) is that if I choose B, it feels as if I'm confirming and asserting my preferential attraction toward B over A, which is bad for my relationship with A. I feel like it also cheapens my relationship with A if they end up feeling that the only reason I'm with them is because I can't be with B. To some extent, I guess that could be true if you get to the most shallow and basic part of it, but it's not true if you account for how we've been together for the past 3 years.

Gah. I'm confused already. Is my brain so weak that it can't process all of this? Maybe I should just....become a monk and live the rest of my life in solitude.

the problem is. I don't see why they have to make me choose. it's simple. in a perfect world, the ones in conflict should duke it out, right?

My perfect solution: Both should admit their fault in wronging the other. Both should apologize for said fault while accepting the other's apology. We all go to each a pesto dinner that I make. Seem good? Sounds good to me.

Long time no see

Well. I'm going to do a bit of talking on here, I guess. So today was interesting. My philosophy class talked about religion and religious experiences today. I feel like I've never been more interested in something in this class before....well, I skipped on my birthday, so I missed the lecture on time travel. I feel a bit lonely, to be honest. It's a bit tiring, I guess, to read about someone being lonely, but I kinda need to say it to make it a bit less lonely, you know? I hope you know what that feels like, otherwise, I'd feel kinda of dumb. My counterpart is gone. That's all. Simply put, I'm just not used to this anymore. Isn't it sad to be so dependent?

Summer trip planning....

Doing the homework:

1st forum
2nd forum
3rd forum

Restaurant menus:
1) Brooke's for an "all the way hot dog" (maybe with slaw)

2) Lulu for dinner or for lunch (burgers and moule frites)

3) Firebirds burgers even though I'd rather not eat chains

4) OMFG, The Penguin looks like artery-clogging goodness.

5) Big Daddy's. How can I ignore that name when it comes to a burger?

6)New Zealand Cafe". I was told this was good, but its selection looks like what I've always seen before. The thing pulling me to try this place is that it's cheaper than Nikko, my other choice, and was told to be "fresh".

7) Sorry to not have a menu, but I've been there, no none needed. Le's is awesome, simply put.

8) Mizuho, another suggestion, looks nice but the mayo on some of the stuff is so turning me off right now. I don't like mayo. The price is a bit of a turn-off, too unless someone who's been there can convince me otherwise with a detailed review.

9)Chicken Box for their liver snack or fried chicken at Simmon's Soul Food.

10)Fran's Filling Station.....I have no menu, so idk what my hopes are for this place yet.

Yep, any other recs would be great. I'm up for street food/tacos, which I am seriously lacking with this list right now. I'm also looking for legit Vietnamese places, and as much as I like these guys on chowhound, none of the people in my (Vietnamese) family like Lang Van as they tend to not-so-delicately call it the "American's horrible idea of Vietnamese".