worried

I'm worried I got someone in trouble with their parents.....I don't like that feeling. I....am worried. I am really worried. I...haha, I'm silly. I'm worried about someone I haven't even met. Oh well, I can't dictate how my brain chooses to feel. But I am worried, though. I hope....I'll be mad at myself if she got into trouble. *hits head* I don't like....inconveniencing people...*hits head some more*

I'm glad I have a blog...haha. *massive frown* I....shall go play minesweeper to relieve this worry.

the overwhelming guilt

So my mom had a prior arrangement at 9:00 am. Of course, we never leave Jenny home alone, so my mom couldn't bring her, and my mom also couldn't just leave her there. Concord is only about 5 minutes away from our house, and my dad could've gone home, knowing that she had a prior arrangement at that time. He could've gone hom and picked up Jenny, but he didn't. He let my mom miss her appointment, and have to reschedule for a later time. I...can't believe he didn't go back. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and suppose he didn't know, my mom still could've told him, and reminded him. It's a simple request. She didn't. Either way, it means that they're not willing to be peaceful. I can't believe that I knew about it, and I just assumed that he'd go back to get Jenny so my mom can go. I can't believe I placed my trust on them to fix it themselves. I disappoint myself right now. I feel like a failure, gah!!!

I cannot believe that I just...I mean, it takes one simple sentence for me to tell my dad to go back to pick my sister up. I mean, it's one simple sentence. I would've taken 5 minutes, and I could've handled myself, it wasn't that. It was that he simply didn't go back, and if I told him to, he would've. Q@$^W$%YWerka;lsdfjhga;kjsa;wo4gtyhalskghaljreha;lksejfhalskdfegbhalebalksjdfhalkwjreghas;whrq3io4w;hgaslkjdhta;owurhgasljkngdbhARJHGAKSDGHLKHGARHTHljshdlfkjghuswhywe90utw49yu0367204851057u234^@$%&#$%Q@#$&@%@$%&@$%^$@%

I'm done. I should've done it. Now my mom is probably mad at me, and my dad just plain doesn't care. I don't get it, if you supposedly love someone, shouldn't you care about their well-being? God, I swear sometimes that I care more about my friends than they care about each other. She's probably angry or disappointed right now. I hate it when people are disappointed in me. Time for Candy Mountain, Rakion, and more music.

just a thought

I would like to walk in the rain right now....walk in the rain at night. I think I like walking too much.

I want to sing a song, playing the guitar accompaniment and everything, at next koffeehaus. I don't know what to play, though. Perhaps I'll play "Good Riddance" like Wendy asked...? I don't know...

You know when you don't know what you think about someone? I've been doing so with a lot of people lately, even people I've known for a while...

Phantom Regiment DCI show 2003: the closer is the best one...it was my drum major audition at the end of freshman year....and I'll have to say...that was the first and probably most awesome piece of music I've ever conducted to...

Concord High School Winterguard: I have to say they're great, a lot better than last year. I'm proud, beaming actually...*massive grin* Anyway,look for the ripple at 2:00 and the great catch at around 4:13 or so...!!

Hmmm....dad has been sleeping in a separate room every day that I've been home. Mom can't sleep right now, and just woke up to watch TV in the living room....I...am thoroughly unhappy at this moment. She should sleep...she wakes up early everyday.

well...to cheer myself up...and thoroughly traumatize myself, here's Charlie The Unicorn: Candy Mountain

I....

feel awkward. I was alone with Jared today. I mean...I...hmm, I don't know how I feel about that. I guess it was nice, watching a movie with just him. I...haha, I don't know...Lately, it seems like I don't know how I feel about the people around me anymore. I...life's a big mystery, as weird and cliched (accent) as that sounds. My computer keeps prompting me...wanting to restart itself. Restart later!! I...haha. I...am listening to a wonderful song. I don't know why it's so wonderful to me. It feels nice. It feels like it says what I'm feeling...haha, I don't even know what it says. I think that's a bit strange of me.

The song is above, the Jay Chou one. I....really, really like it. Listen to the introduction. That's a wonderful composition, isn't it? From the person singing and probably playing something that you're hearing in the background. He knows how to play it, yes...

and "Better Than Me", too, though not so much....Very..."soft" as Tracy described. I think that's the perfect way to put it. Nothing else, just "soft".

I want to know what it says. Perhaps I should look up the lyrics, in English...haha. You should listen, whoever's reading this. I feel like sharing music is the best way to share what I'm feeling right now...I mean, you certainly won't get what I'm feeling from just the words I'm typing, right? Music is the most amazing thing I have...I think...that's how I've chosen to share myself to other people.

*happiness*

I feel great. I'm happy, I....am glad. And I no longer care...that much...what my parents do.

Prom will be at the Museum of Life and Science. So like us nerds...There will be a lock-in, Jared is staying with Matt...which is starting to get awkward for me (for a reason I shall not divulge on a blog)...but Jared will be able to attend the lock-in, with breakfast served at 4:30 am...? Encouraging some partying, eh? Anyway....I'm not happy just because of that. I'm...happy. *smile* I smile too much...haha, but it's okay.
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rereading things....this is interesting...umm...I don't know what to say, or where I stand...umm....awkward turtle!! That reminds me...I have to join that facebook group.

"There is no friendship between men that has not an element of sexuality in it, however little accentuated it may be in the nature of the friendship, and however painful the idea of the sexual element would be. But it is enough to remember that there can be no friendship unless there has been some attraction to draw the men together. Much of the affection, protection, and nepotism between men is due to the presence of unsuspected sexual compatibility." from wiki's friendship article. Roommate, I just noticed, after reading it for the nth time...that "Roommate" was listed under "Types of Friendships" and is poorly defined. this amuses me so :)
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I am amazed at how I can ignore the bad feelings in my head. But...whatever! I shall be my merry self, and not show it. I am genuinely happy, even though it's mixed with a few other things. This genuine happiness hasn't been here in days...and I'm happy that there are things in my life, people in my life, that makes me happy. Haha, perhaps the source of your happiness doesn't have to come from the people you thought it would come from.
--------------and I told Qin...He, along with some other people, really makes me happy...

I'm really tired, not caring about what I say anymore

I don't want to go to sleep until I know. I have to know, I have to know if it'll be alright.

I want it to be night, and I want to walk, like I would at school, in a comfortable silence with my roommate. If not, we could talk about irrelevant things, things that would get my mind off of it. I think about it constantly, the more it's prolonged. I don't want them to know, though. I definitely don't want my parents to know. I don't want Qin or Frances to know, but I want some reassurance, and friendly, comforting gestures. I'd feel silly, being all "beaten up" over this in front of them. Weak, weak, weak, weak. Can't tell them.

I was proud of myself, actually, for staying up, until I started to get sleepy...then I realized that was a bad decision....crap, mom is washing clothes. My chapstick is in my clothes somewhere.....Hmm...I think I should go now and "surprise them by waking up early" today. Can't put my chapstick in danger...ridiculously expensive chapstick that I keep losing. But so worth it. Burt's Bees Beeswax is the bomb :)
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So I'm back....Umm...I slept for 3 hours...and I finally got bored enough with myself that I'll update now, too. I...Umm....I'm not sure. I want to do some readings for WECS, actually...that is..."Western European Cultural Studies"...umm...yeah.

Everytime I look at my pile of readings (that I'm rereading for understanding) I get really light headed. I...am still slightly disappointed in myself, to be honest, because I'm still afraird that I actually did disappoint her...although, does she feel that strongly about Bob? I didn't think so...I mean...I could be underestimating her hostility towards Bob...well, not hostility, it's more of an annoyance. Hmm...eh...it'll bother me, but I don't think it'll make me so insane. Not now anyway, I'm calmer about things during the daytime.

*gasp* did foodnetwork just have a commercial on a Good Eats: Sushi episode? I hope so...sushi....

Anyway, I spent 5 hours with my parents yesterday...in a car. It bothers me that they keep talking to each other THROUGH me and Jenny. I...ignored them. I have to admit, though, I felt like yelling, but I didn't. "Jenny, can you get me some water?" What?!! She's strapped in a car seat! That was definitely directed at my mom, but he just doesn't want to talk to my mom...*sigh* I have a headache now. I...don't know when this will end. They're both at home at the same time, now...I...ignore it and wait for when my dad goes to work to come out of my room.

They yelled at me today for sleeping in until 12:30...I was kind of angry that I got yelled at, but I can't tell them that I actually started sleeping at 9 or so...after they though I had "woken up early"...hehe. Well...they keep telling me that if I sleep in so much, I'll get lazy, and my brain will not work as quickly and such, and I'll start doing badly in school...what? Yes, a B is veerry bad indeed. I...eh, won't talk about their philosophy on grades. I just...ugh, got really angry at my dad one day last year when I tried to show him that I make a higher ranking. He looked at it, started frowning and asked me why i got a B in Pre-Cal...what? I don't understand, I am still continuously improving my ranking...but whatever. But I digress from this topic, it'll just make me angrier. My parents are definitely not happy people right now, though their attitudes haven't changed towards me. But, whenever they fight, they do the same things. My mom gets cranky, but more tolerant of the things that she normally wouldn't approve of. My dad tries to win me over, and they both look at each other in disgust when they see each other do such things.

I....don't want to go prom shopping, I...am not in the mood to go try on dresses *shudders* I hate dresses. But I want to go to prom, do you see the twisted logic in that? Well, I will have to ask my mom to take Jared and then inform him of this and see what he thinks. It'll be awkward, I know, but him taking a train is not what I had intended. Haven't talked to him much lately, but then again, we talk on the phone about twice a month and see each other once or twice a month. I feel detached, but then again, I sort of am. I don't like the label, and I actually started questioning how much I do....like...him...when Tracy asked me the other day what i liked about him. I mean, we say our standard "I love you"'s but...I am not sure where I stand on that. He initiated it, and it surprised me, and I...definitely didn't expect it, but after 9 months of "dating" I think...it was reasonable to expect it. I...say it now, and I get this silly face on when I say it. Frances looks at me expectantly when she feels that my phone conversations are ending...I...we...say it awkwardly, I think, like we're not sure how much importance we should attach to it. Frances smiles when I say it, haha, that makes me smile. I initiate it sometimes when I feel that it's my turn...0_o I don't think that's how it should be. i should just say it when I feel it...I...feel bad. But I do mean it, I mean...in the way that I do care about him...but then..I...umm...yeah. Enough on that subject.

Hmm...my mom is yelling at me again, talking about how I don't so anything when I come home. I don't converse with the family, don't do anything except for sit in my room, stare at my computer screen, and occasionally eat. Hmm...I wonder why? Anyway, I feel guilty when she says that, I and I think I should go clean the bathroom or something, do laundry and such. I cleaned my room yesterday, maybe I can clean the living room or kitchen or something....cook with her so that I get some "bonding time" in. Hmm...nvm....Tracy IMed. I shall do it later. Time for more computer screen staring.

So my first post on here

It's an early morning thought....actually, it's that and a late night thought while I was in the car on the way back home...

early morning first: I'm afraid...of what you think of me. I've never been so....afraid, as silly and small as that sounded, in my life. Or rather...well, that was one of those famous hyperboles that I keep adding in for dramatic effect. Umm...I'm not sure, but sound is reasurring, and there's been no sound recently, and I am afraid. I...miss the sound. I miss...places and times that I've been to before, times that felt nice. Hmm...yeah, I miss....something else, too...

late night: I was thinking. Wouldn't it be great to be walking late at night, in a large, open field...which is quite scary, but...wouldn't it be great? I saw stars, tons of them, on the way back home...it was in the middle of nowhere, and I never like it when we're driving through the middle of nowhere, but it felt nice...It would be great to walk around with someone late at night, with tons of stars above us. And there'd be an endless supply of music. I wouldn't have to say anything, and the other person wouldn't have to say anything; there'd just be music filling up the air around us. People rave about moonlight, but I like stars better, I think. They're more valuable if you think about it. I mean, you see them now, but they might be gone by the time their light reaches you. The idea of looking at something that might not physically be there anymore....it's exciting. Then I looked back at my parents, and I thought...perhaps they just need to take a walk one night. They need to listen to the music, because right now the silence is deafening.