I'm really tired, not caring about what I say anymore

I don't want to go to sleep until I know. I have to know, I have to know if it'll be alright.

I want it to be night, and I want to walk, like I would at school, in a comfortable silence with my roommate. If not, we could talk about irrelevant things, things that would get my mind off of it. I think about it constantly, the more it's prolonged. I don't want them to know, though. I definitely don't want my parents to know. I don't want Qin or Frances to know, but I want some reassurance, and friendly, comforting gestures. I'd feel silly, being all "beaten up" over this in front of them. Weak, weak, weak, weak. Can't tell them.

I was proud of myself, actually, for staying up, until I started to get sleepy...then I realized that was a bad decision....crap, mom is washing clothes. My chapstick is in my clothes somewhere.....Hmm...I think I should go now and "surprise them by waking up early" today. Can't put my chapstick in danger...ridiculously expensive chapstick that I keep losing. But so worth it. Burt's Bees Beeswax is the bomb :)
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So I'm back....Umm...I slept for 3 hours...and I finally got bored enough with myself that I'll update now, too. I...Umm....I'm not sure. I want to do some readings for WECS, actually...that is..."Western European Cultural Studies"...umm...yeah.

Everytime I look at my pile of readings (that I'm rereading for understanding) I get really light headed. I...am still slightly disappointed in myself, to be honest, because I'm still afraird that I actually did disappoint her...although, does she feel that strongly about Bob? I didn't think so...I mean...I could be underestimating her hostility towards Bob...well, not hostility, it's more of an annoyance. Hmm...eh...it'll bother me, but I don't think it'll make me so insane. Not now anyway, I'm calmer about things during the daytime.

*gasp* did foodnetwork just have a commercial on a Good Eats: Sushi episode? I hope so...sushi....

Anyway, I spent 5 hours with my parents yesterday...in a car. It bothers me that they keep talking to each other THROUGH me and Jenny. I...ignored them. I have to admit, though, I felt like yelling, but I didn't. "Jenny, can you get me some water?" What?!! She's strapped in a car seat! That was definitely directed at my mom, but he just doesn't want to talk to my mom...*sigh* I have a headache now. I...don't know when this will end. They're both at home at the same time, now...I...ignore it and wait for when my dad goes to work to come out of my room.

They yelled at me today for sleeping in until 12:30...I was kind of angry that I got yelled at, but I can't tell them that I actually started sleeping at 9 or so...after they though I had "woken up early"...hehe. Well...they keep telling me that if I sleep in so much, I'll get lazy, and my brain will not work as quickly and such, and I'll start doing badly in school...what? Yes, a B is veerry bad indeed. I...eh, won't talk about their philosophy on grades. I just...ugh, got really angry at my dad one day last year when I tried to show him that I make a higher ranking. He looked at it, started frowning and asked me why i got a B in Pre-Cal...what? I don't understand, I am still continuously improving my ranking...but whatever. But I digress from this topic, it'll just make me angrier. My parents are definitely not happy people right now, though their attitudes haven't changed towards me. But, whenever they fight, they do the same things. My mom gets cranky, but more tolerant of the things that she normally wouldn't approve of. My dad tries to win me over, and they both look at each other in disgust when they see each other do such things.

I....don't want to go prom shopping, I...am not in the mood to go try on dresses *shudders* I hate dresses. But I want to go to prom, do you see the twisted logic in that? Well, I will have to ask my mom to take Jared and then inform him of this and see what he thinks. It'll be awkward, I know, but him taking a train is not what I had intended. Haven't talked to him much lately, but then again, we talk on the phone about twice a month and see each other once or twice a month. I feel detached, but then again, I sort of am. I don't like the label, and I actually started questioning how much I do....like...him...when Tracy asked me the other day what i liked about him. I mean, we say our standard "I love you"'s but...I am not sure where I stand on that. He initiated it, and it surprised me, and I...definitely didn't expect it, but after 9 months of "dating" I think...it was reasonable to expect it. I...say it now, and I get this silly face on when I say it. Frances looks at me expectantly when she feels that my phone conversations are ending...I...we...say it awkwardly, I think, like we're not sure how much importance we should attach to it. Frances smiles when I say it, haha, that makes me smile. I initiate it sometimes when I feel that it's my turn...0_o I don't think that's how it should be. i should just say it when I feel it...I...feel bad. But I do mean it, I mean...in the way that I do care about him...but then..I...umm...yeah. Enough on that subject.

Hmm...my mom is yelling at me again, talking about how I don't so anything when I come home. I don't converse with the family, don't do anything except for sit in my room, stare at my computer screen, and occasionally eat. Hmm...I wonder why? Anyway, I feel guilty when she says that, I and I think I should go clean the bathroom or something, do laundry and such. I cleaned my room yesterday, maybe I can clean the living room or kitchen or something....cook with her so that I get some "bonding time" in. Hmm...nvm....Tracy IMed. I shall do it later. Time for more computer screen staring.