oh yeah...

strike two.

his reason

Is that I don't care about anyone except for myself. So what? I've gone from only caring about my friends to just caring about myself. You know what? WOW, I never thought he would notice! It's like....OMG, he knows me so well!

Jenny also said that he said it's too expensive and I'm not worth it because all I do is just call to ask for things, not to ask how he is. He said that ever since I went to school, I started to care less about my family. No....that is where he is mistaken. How much I care about him now is how much I've always cared for him. The way I've acted towards him is how I've always wanted to act towards him. The only thing he can honestly say that's changed is how I think about things. The only thing that school has done is changed the way I think about life and people, and it's also made me reevaluate myself so many times. That's it. I've always been this careless when it comes to him.

As for my mother, yeah...I've talked to her less, I've told her less things about myself, but it's a hassle to explain a month's worth of happenings there. I haven't told her about Frances, about my changed values, about my increased cynicism, etc.

What I ask is, does he deserve to know? If he doesn't think I deserve my camera then fine....go ahead. I don't need him. I don't need anyone.

Slip Out The Back

Fightin' so hard to hide our fear that we're scaring ourselves


Slip out the back before they know you were there
At the worst you'll see nobody cares
'Cause you don't wanna be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared

Slipped out the back before you knew I was there
I know you felt unprepared
But every single time I was around I just bring you down
And I could tell that it was time to be scared
That's why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there
And I know the way I left wasn't fair,
I didn't want to be around just to bring you down
I'm not a hero, but don't think I didn't care

Disappointment

I was right damn it.

In a surge of depression and anger last night, I told Stacy how I think my weekend will go. I said to her:

1) The way things have been going these past few weeks, I don't expect to come home to my camera, because my father probably hasn't even ordered it yet
2) I have to deal with that tiramisu-buying woman
3) Tracy probably wouldn't be able to come on Monday

So far, strike one. I knew it. I knew it.

Conversation to the man I have to call my father:
"Hey, where are you?
Almost there.
Hey, have you ordered the camera yet?
No.
Why not?
If you really want it, we can order it tonight or something.
Forget it. *click*"

To mother:
"If you two didn't want to do this, then you could've told me and I would've just paid my aunt and ask her to do this for me. What? You don't want to pay for this or he is still waiting to 'check it out'? Forget it. I can't even ask you two for something so small as going to a website and clicking a few buttons.
*silence*"

Yep, I knew it. I don't even know why I asked. I don't even know why I trust these people anymore.

Ohne Dich--my first set of German song lyrics

Ich verbrenne für dich
Ich kann nicht atmen ohne dich
Du vergibst weil du liebst
Ich falle für dich
Kann nicht mehr aufstehn ohne dich
Du verstehst weil du lebst
Was ist die Sonne ohne dein Licht
Was ist ein bild ohne dein Gesicht
Ich hab das Leben verflucht
Allein zu leben versucht
Doch es geht nicht
Ohne dich kann ich nicht frei sein
Endlos high sein
Ohne dich bin ich allein
Ohne dich kann ich nicht fliegen
Ohne dich endlos lieben
Ohne dich kann ich nicht sein
Ich erwache für dich
Ich kann nichts spürn ohne dich
Du befreist du verzeihst
Ich ertrinke in dir
Spür deinen Pulsschlag tief in mir
Du verstehst weil du lebst
Ich bete zu Gott dass es nie endet
Dass dein Feuer mich ewig blendet
Ich vermiss dich zähle jede Sekunde
Ohne deine Gnade geh ich zugrunde

Daoism

Defining "hidden"

Dimly visible, it can't be named
And returns to that which is without substance
This is called the indistinct and shadowy

It has no shape, no form and requires imagination. The desired effect cannot be seen, hear, or touched, but the value lies behind the thoughts. Unspoken words are those we should look for in the sea of spoken words in order to hear what needs to be spoken as thoughts give rise to sensation even if distance hinders touch. The Dao is in the process of acquiring, not the concrete but in the abstract--not in what is spoken, heard or touched, but in what cannot be. So then ordinary would give rise to the unique and the transcendent wisdom lies not in illusions given, but in illusions made. The mind is the key. "What I want is not necessarily what I asked for and the phenomenal depends on my perception and utilization of my surroundings." Surprises lay within the hidden, not within the obvious.

Sometimes I wish my words will become actions, actions that will transcend both reality and fantasy to reach beyond imagination and dreams. Your figure, a phantasma of surreal complexity, penetrates the veil safeguarding my inner psyche to obstruct coherent thoughts, reducing them to basic vocabulary and inhibited expressions. In awe, I listen to what seems to be harmonizing notes flowing from the purest instrument of tonal properties. Meanwhile, the warm atmosphere completely visceral around our worlds as we collide roughly like two molecules suspended in a chemical reaction that never seem to cease. If I were to capture this moment in time, I'd feel as if I had the secret the universe created just for me. It's magical, no?

hmm

sometimes I wish people would say what I want them to say for once. Ahh....disappointment creeps in and I just wish it would stop, because I don't want the happiness to end. I don't.

argh

It's unbearable...I can't stop it. It's taking over, does that make sense?

As a Buddhist, I will not fall into my desire. As a person, I will not let myself fall into desire. Tempting, but no. But then again, I want to be surprised. By life, my myself, my anything...I like surprises

I'm posting a lot lately

I think lately I've had a lot of things to think about....only I feel like I can never express it in adequate words. Have you ever gone through a phase where you think about yourself and you try to understand something about yourself but you can't? I'm sure everyone has gone through such a time, but I hope that like everyone else, mine is temporary. "Be tentative and hesitant" is what I tell myself. Ahh....I wish there was just one day where people tell me what I want to hear. That is my little selfish wish....delusional and selfish....

hmmm

"Returning to one's roots is known as stillness
This is what is meant by returning to one's destiny
Returning to one's destiny is known as the constant
Knowledge of the constant is known as discernment
Woe to him who willfully innovates
While ignorant of the constant
But should one act from knowledge of the constant
One's action will lead to impartiality
Impartiality to kingliness
Heaven to the way
The way to perpetuity"

-This is the way
_____________________________________________

Hence always rid yourself of desires in order to observe its secrets
But always allow yourself to have desires in order to observe its manifestations

-desires do you no good
______________________________________________

What cannot be seen is called evanescent
What cannot be heard is called rarefied
What cannot be touched is called minute
---
Of old he who was well versed in the way
Was minutely subtle, mysteriously comprehending
And too profound to be known
It is because he could not be known
That he can only be given a makeshift description
Tentative, as if fording a river in winter
Hesitant, as if in fear of his neighbors
Formal like a guest
Falling apart like thawing ice
Thick like uncarved block
Vacant like a valley
Murky like muddy water
Who can be muddy and yet, settling, slowly become limpid?

-One is hesitant and tentative of things that one is unclear of....ahh....I think this is how I feel right now, though I think I'm taking this passage out of its context and this is not what the Tao Te Ching is promoting...Can you guess what I'm thinking, Tracy?

quizzes/surveys and such

1) Some random girl comes up to you and says "Hey, what's your name?"
“……why?”
2) What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
Deer Park water bottle
3) What does your last text message say?
“I miss you. If I woke you up, then I hope the thought was nice enough that it was okay.”
4) The last song you listened to?
“I will follow you into the dark” by Death Cab
5) If you hated someone and got put in charge of their funeral music, what would it be?
Opera
6) Where is your best friend right now?
I don’t know you tell me.
7) What did you do yesterday?
hung out with Frances
8) Pick a scar on your body - what did you do?
elbow—fell off a scooter while trying to stupidly race against a bike XD Rolled down a hill, and two bloody arms later, here I am.
9) What teacher have you hated most and why?
Dr. Schmalbeck—she couldn’t teach. My 9th grade Hn. Earth Science teacher taught be more things than she did
12.) What do you really think happened to steve on blues clues?
uhhh…..he got addicted to the drugs that the blues clues accidentally led him to one day
14.) Who is your most religious friend?
Kangyue
15) Who do you trust with your life?
The same people that I believe could trust theirs with mine.  Not giving any names though.—I agree with this answer
16) If you could change your name to anything what would it be?
I like mine
17) What would you say if someone told you you were the most beautiful person in the world and they would do anything to wake up to your face each and every morning?
Stare at them….and tell them I don’t believe them…
18) What do you hate about your school?
some people don’t deserve to be here and I wish they weren’t here
19) How often do you curse?
quite often, though if you don’t, I’ll try not to curse in front of you until I’m comfortable with you
20) Do you trust all of your friends?
No.
21) Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
Depends. I might.
22.) Have you ever talked on the phone while in the shower?
nope
23) Name two things you would NOT tolerate in a relationship?
Disrespect and disloyalty—yeah….I agree
24) Which one of your friends do you think would make the best prostitute?
XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD-----Jialiya
25) Are you afraid of falling in love?
kind of
26) Is there someone that popped in your mind after that question?
I like tea—for Tracy, this means yes……….for me, uh….I like sushi
27) Would you stop talking to your friends because you hooked up with a new person?
uh, no. most likely, I would stop talking to this new person sooner than I would my friends
29) Fill in the blank. I love_____
being with those people that make me happy, and hopefully that I can do the same for.
30) What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
getting things done and making my grades asian-acceptable
31) If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call?
who….if singular, then they should know. If plural then generally my closest friends
32) How many kids do you want to have?
I dunno, how many can I comfortably support?
33) Would you make a good parent?
I don’t think so
34) Where was your default picture taken?
outside the Golden Gate bridge gift shop
35) What is your middle name?
Thien
36) Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
Tracy’s health
37) If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
I had this conversation with Tracy…and I’m quite content with my life as well….
38) Shoe size?
8.5
39) What are you wearing right now?
White dress pants, blue and green striped polo and a dark denim jacket
40) Righty or Lefty?
right
41) Can you make a dollar in change right now?
no
43) Favorite jeans?
the really comfortable ones that belong to my cousin
44) Favorite animal?
white tiger
45) Favorite juice?
Coconut--YEAH
46) Have you had the chicken pox?
yep
47) Have you had a sore throat?
of course
48) Ever had plastic surgery?
of course…..i had to get rid of that “40-year-old chain-smoker look’
49) Who knows you the best?
My dear, dear little bunny
50) Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
glasses…but I won’t wear them
51) Ever been in a fight with your pet?
yeah…it wouldn’t let go of my finger, so I tried to pull it out against the side of the cage….it was violent and I bled.
52) Been to Mexico?
uhhh…..depends on who’s asking
53) Did you buy something yesterday?
nope
54) Did you get sick today?
nope
55) Did you miss anyone today?
You would not believe how much
56) Did you get in a fight with someone today?
No.
57) When is the last time you liked someone?
uhh…..I dunno….you mean without the intention of amusing myself? Uhh….5th grade
58) Last person to lay in your bed?
myself
59) Last person to see you cry?
I dunno…
60) Who/what made you cry?
I dunno
62) What are your plans for the weekend?
apps and essays and hanging out and papers and French hw, and talking to Tracy until those ungodly hours of the morning…damn it, those apps are not getting done.
63) Who do you think will repost this?
hehe, Tracy would, but I got it from her, so…I dunno
64) Are you happy right now?
as of this moment? Yeah. In general? More than I’ve ever been by far
65) Drunk dialer or texter?
texter
66) Are you hungry?
nope
67) Are you a forgiving person?
to people I care about, I’ll forgive most things
68) Would you ever share a girl/boyfriend with your best friend?
uhhh…..no. If it makes them happy, I would give them up. I don’t care much for that.
69) Have you lost a friend recently?
no
70) Are you talking to someone while doing this?
uhh…..trying to pretend like I’m paying attention to the teacher
72) What are you about to do right now?
take the next survey/quiz
______________________________________________

Animals
1. What's your favorite animal?: white tiger
2. Why?: they exude mystery, and that intrigues and excites me, and plus, they are aesthetically pleasing to me…..the color comforts me
Bolding
1. I love chocolate.
2. I know all the words to "Beverly Hills"
3. I think "Lady and the Tramp" is the most romantic cartoon ever made
4. Summer vacation ends in August for me
5. My camera is the best thing I own
6. I have TiVo
7. I have can fake a British accent
8. There are more than two bathrooms in my house
9. I can walk to my best friend's house in under five minutes
10. The flag on my mailbox is broken
Cinema
1. What was the last movie you saw in a theater?: Meet the Robinsons
2. Rented?: Idk
3. Bought?: none
4. Out of those three, which was the best?: dude…only one choice
5. What's your all-time favorite movie?: The fountain
6. Least favorite?: Dukes of Hazard
7. If there was a remake of The Wizard of Oz, who would you choose to play Dorothy?: idk….
8. Speaking of which, do you believe it that whole "hanging munchkin" thing?: I have no idea
9. Who was a better Willy Wonka; Gene Wilder or Johnny Depp?: uhh….Johnny Depp was creepy
10. What's the best snack to eat while watching movies?: kettle-cooked chips are always good….
Depression & Sadness
1. Are you sad right now?: nope
2. Did anything upsetting happen this past week?: I guess….
3. Do you think you're depressed?: nope
4. Do you listen to sad music?: XD yeah….
5. Have you cheered anyone up recently?: I hope so
6. Has anyone cheered you up?: Definitely
7. Has anyone close to you ever died?: nope
8. Do you get upset when you hear child abuse stories on the news?: nope
9. Do you cry a lot?: uhh, depends on the reason
10. Do you watch sad movies/TV shows?: nope
Everyday Routine
1. What time do you usually get up?: uhh….when I have to
2. Do you shower in the morning or at night?: morning
3. Do you floss?: no
4. Do you have a job?: no
5. Name one person you see every day: roommate
6. What song are you tired of hearing every friggen day?: lots of stuff
8. What's one thing you have to do every day?: go to school
9. What do you wish you could do every day?: see my little bunny
10. How do you like to relax at the end of the day?: listen to my little bunny
Food & Drink
1. What's your favorite breakfast?: a mushroom, chicken, and chives omelette with crispy bacon and toasted muffins
2. Lunch?: at home, almost anything I can make, at school….fried chicken day
3. Dinner?: at home, almost anything I can make, at school…..9th street
4. Restaurant?: Tastyness….I have to go to this tastyness of which you speak
5. Coca Cola, Pepsi, or Seltzer?: coke
6. Do you drink water?: yeah
7. Can you drink alcohol legally?: no
8. If no, do you drink it anyway?: yes
9. What's your favorite food to cook?: slow cooked “soup” with Cornish Hen, dried shiitake mushrooms, onion and ginger
10. Coffee or Tea?: definitely tea
Idiot Box
1. What's your favorite reality show?: I guess Top Chef qualifies as one…
2. Cartoon?: tom and jerry is a classic
3. Drama?: idk
4. What's the stupidest show on TV right now?: I love New york
5. Do you watch sketch comedy (MadTV, SNL, etc.)?: yeah, The Soup
6. What channel is TBS where you live?: idk
7. Do you actually use the TV Guide Channel?: no
8. Do you watch music videos?: yeah
9. How about America's Funniest Videos?: no
10. Did you know that "Idiot Box" is also the title of a Spongebob episode?: no
Jumping for Joy!
1. Are you excited about something right now?: not really
2. When was the last time you were really, really happy?: heh…
3. Hear any good news recently?: I dunno
4. Fix any problems?: haha, not really
5. Do you get hyper easily?: kind of
6. Does caffeine make you jittery?: not really, unless it’s strong or I drank a lot
7. Do you get excited easily?: hmm, by certain things
8. Do you think hyperactive puppies are annoying?: nah
9. How high can you jump?: not very
10. Did you like jump rope as a little kid?: not at all
Kid Stuff
1. What was your favorite toy as a kid?: ahem….errr….some little kids’ cooking set
2. Were you a Disney Princess?: ewww
3. And how about those Disney animal movies?: nah
4. Did you watch Nick Jr.?: no
5. Barney?: uhh….*whispers* yes…
6. Sesame Street?: no
7. Do you have/want kids?: yeah, some day
8. Do you have any nieces or nephews?: no
9. Do you have any adult relatives who act like kids?: uh, yeah, lots….
10. Were you a Toys 'R' Us kid?: nope
Looks
1. What color is your hair naturally?: dark brown, getting lighter it seems….Qin blames it on the summer
2. Do you dye it?: I had highlights
3. What color are your eyes?: dark brown
4. Do you need glasses/contacts?: yeah, but I don’t wear them
5. How about braces/retainers?: nope
6. How tall are you?: 5’4”?
7. What's your shoe size?: 8.5
8. How do you dress on a normal day?: polo and pants
9. Do you wear a lot of make-up?: not at all
10. Do you paint your nails?: not at all
Quiz!!
1. What's 43 divided by 3?: 14.33333333333….etc..
2. Name two plays written by Shakespeare: A Midsummer Night’s Dream and Romeo and Juliet
3. What's the square route of 16?: 4
4. In what year did Columbus discover America?: 1492
5. Who was the third American president?: Ben Franklin?
6. How many wives did Henry VII have?: 7?
7. Name three elements on the Periodic Table: Rutherfordium, Francium, Tungsten
8. When did the Berlin Wall come down?: 1989?
9. How many hours are in 3 days?: 72.
10. A butcher is 5"5. What does he weigh?: Meat.
Reading
1. What was your favorite book as a kid?: The Giving Tree
2. How about now?: The Alchemist
3. Did you ever read the Black Lagoon series?: hahaha, yeah
4. Ramona Quimby?: wth?
5. Junie B. Jones?: yeah, actually
6. Harry Potter?: yep
7. What book should have never been made into a movie?: a lot that have already been made
8. What book should be made into a movie?: Key to the Kingdom series?
9. Who's your favorite author?: I don’t think I have one
10. Is "Arthur" a better book or TV show?: tv
This or That
1. Rock or Rap?: former
2. Spring or Fall?: fall
3. Black and White or Color?: black and white
4. Cats or Dogs?: cats
5. World History or Algebra/Math?: world history
6. Bolding or X's?: bolding
7. Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network?: nickelodeon
8. '70s or '80s?: I dunno
9. Monopoly or Clue?: monopoly
10. Aerosmith or Bon Jovi?: I don’t care
Under the Floorboards
1. Do you have a secret?: Yes.
2. Are you good at keeping secrets?: I'd like to think so. Yeah.
3. How about your friends?: I would think so.
4. Is your mom one of those gossipy housewives that tell everyone everything?: she can be
5. Does your family have secrets?: yes, we do
6. Do you lie to people a lot to keep your secret safe?: yeah
7. Are you keeping a secret right now?: yeah
8. Do you have a good Poker face?: I can
9. Have you ever planned a surprise party?: nah
10. Did you lie on this section to keep a secret?: nope
Word Association
1. Car: automobile
2. Bunny: tracy
3. Green: frances
4. Banana: <.<
5. Dance: ballroom
6. Napoleon Dynamite: ew
7. Porn: pirates
8. Ambulance: 6th amendment?
9. Flower: lavender?
___________________________________

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOU
1. Are you single? yeah
2. Are you happy? Generally, yeah
3. Are you bored? yeah
4. Are you sad? no
5. Are you Italian? no
6. Are you pregnant? no
8. Are you cool? idk
9. Are you Irish? no
10. Are your parents still married? Uhh….yeah
TEN FACTS
1. Name – Ha Thien
2. Birthplace - Vietnam
3. Hair color - Dark brown.
4. Hair style- quite long
5. Eye color – dark brown
6. Birthday – july 14th
7. Mood - tired
8. Favorite color? blue
9. Where do you live? usa
10. Left or right handed - right
TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
1. Have you ever been in love? no
2. Do you believe in love at first sight? no
3. Why did your last relationship fail? Because I got bored, basically…that and he didn’t know me
4. Have you ever been hurt emotionally? sure
5. Have you ever broken someone's heart? So I’ve been told
7. Have you ever liked someone but never told them? I never tell
8. Are you afraid of commitment? A little
9. Have you hugged someone within the last week? yeah
10. Have you ever had a secret admirer? Not really, they’ve either told me or was very quiet about it
TEN THIS OR THAT?
1. Love or lust? I like the former, but I think I’ll probably get/experience the latter
3. Cats or dogs? cats
4. A few best friends or many regular friends? former
6. Pepsi or coke? coke
7. Wild night out or romantic night in? quiet is good
8. Money or Hungry? Wth are you smoking?
9. Night or day? night
10. MSN (AIM) or phone? Depends.
TEN HAVE YOU EVER
1. Been caught sneaking out? no
2. Been skinny dipping? no
3. Done something you regret? A lot
4. Bungee jumped? no
5. Lied to someone you love? Uh…..
6. Finished an entire jaw breaker? no
8. Wanted an ex bf/gf back? never
9. Cried because you lost a pet? Yeah, actually
10. Wanted to disappear? A lot
TEN PREFERENCES
1. Smile or eyes: smile, usually
2. Light hair or dark: dark
3. Hugs or kisses: hugs
4. Shorter or taller: idc
5. Intelligence or attraction: Intelligence.
6. Romantic or spontaneous: ….I guess idk
8. Hook-up or relationship: Latter
9. Do you want a boyfriend/girlfriend: no
TEN LASTS
1. Last phone call you made: Tracy
2. Last phone call you receive: Tracy
3. Last person you hung out with: Pinkie
5. Last person you tackled: idk…on AIM, Tracy
6. Last person you IMed: Prashant
7. Last text message you received: idk
8. Last person you went to the movies with: Jared
9. Last person/ thing you missed: ...you need not know that
10. Person you wanna be with right now: ...you need not know that
_________________________________________

*Answer the questions using the letter that begins your name
*They have to be real places, names, things...nothing made up!
*Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same first initial. You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question. (It is harder than you think.)

What is your name? Ha Thien
Four-letter word: hate
Vehicle: honda
Movie: hitched
TV Show: How to Boil Water
City: Hanoi
Girl Name: Hillary
Boy Name: Heath
Alcoholic drink: Hawaiian Screwdriver
Occupation: Historian
Something you wear: Hats
Celebrity: Halle Berry
Something found in a bathroom: Handles
Reason for being late: Hit-and-run
Cartoon Character: Harold from Hey Arnold
Something you shout: Hey!

on voices and happiness

Me: “Is it odd if someone’s voice makes you happy?”
Stacy: “No, because I used to feel the same way about Neill’s”
Me: “Why is it not odd?”
Stacy: “Because there can be something really soothing about someone’s voice because you can connect it to happy memories or that when you listen to it you know that someone’s there--that someone cares. Or maybe it’s not the voice, but the person behind it. Why? Does someone's voice make you happy?"
Me: "Maybe."

We also talked about love and whether or not it would be wrong to love someone. I told myself that it would never be wrong no matter who it is. I told her that my ultimate goal in life is to be happy. I want to be able to keep everything that makes me happy. We talked about permanence and about how life is just basically one delusion after another. She want to be able to find one thing/person that will always be able to make her happy. Being the cynical roommate that I am, I told her that happiness is mostly a delusion in the fact that you know it's not permanent, you know it's not forever, but you'd like to think that it's be forever and so you lie to yourself in order to be able to enjoy the moment. Then in attempting to be the good roommate that I feel I should be, I told her that she should just do the things that make her truly happy. Neill basically makes her miserable and happy at the same time. She doesn't understand why it's so.

hold on, I'm in Asia, and I want to type an interpretation of a Daoist verse. I like it a lot:
"Hence always rid yourself of desires in order to observe its secrets
But allow yourself to have desires in order to observe its manifestations.
These two are the same."

I generally don't think that most people can understand how much I mean it when I say that I am happy. So happy, so happy at this  moment. So happy. I sound so utterly ridiculous when I say that, but I don't know what else I can say. I'm sorry I don't have enough adequate words to describe how I feel. However, at the same time, I think that falling into happiness way too much is unsafe. I think that it's a mental weakness that I can't get away from. Sometimes I even think that this mental weakness of mine will be seen as a mental weakness by those I care about....I have no idea what I was trying to say anymore...blah

I will follow you into the dark

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

argh

I'm really frustrated....I want to know, I want to know. What do they want from me? What? Angry, very angry.....sleepy, very sleepy....but have to study for that midterm. Damn.

This Is Your LIfe

Yesterday is a promise that you’ve broken
Don’t close your eyes, don’t close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you’ve got now
Yeah, and today is all you’ll ever have
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes

This is your life, are you who you want to be

ARGH

I have decided to agree with the conclusion that Qin came up with yesterday. People are stupid. Stupid. I am stupid, he is stupid, she is stupid, they are stupid, we're all stupid. That's right. We do things we don't want to do, things we don't think we should do, things we think are pointless, things others will think are pointless. We do all of those things with an annoying persistence that even we can't stand. We also don't do things that we should, things that we know we have to but don't anyway, things that we know would be beneficial, things we want but are too afraid to do it. We assume things about ourselves, others, and human nature in general.

More and more everyday I think that death is perfection, enlightenment, freedom, and peaceful. Every. Day.

maybe

I don't understand how someone can assume that they're missed, that they're important in someone's life. I don't understand how they can sometimes makes the mistake that they're not being lied to, that what people say they feel for them is just a by-product of being nice. Qin has this friend, she's known him probably the longest, but he says she knows nothing about him. I mean, she knows his "history" and what has happened to him, but she doesn't know anything about what his actions mean, and what his words are implying. She can't tell tones and patterns. She can't tell anything about his intentions. How would you define that type of friend? How? I want to know.

I think that it's interesting how even though someone can tell so much about you, your patterns and such, they still can't possibly know even most of the things about you.

I have this walk, which Qin calls the "I am annoyed and walking in deep thought" walk. I like how I say all this, type all this to you, and yet I have no point to make. Well, not that I don't have a point, it's just that my brain won't let me make it. Every time I try to conclude everything, my brain gives a last-minute counterargument.

To miss things, is to be attached, we wouldn't want that now, would we? Therefore, we miss nothing.

death

Is it really that bad? Will we really hate ourselves for dying? At what point is the suffering too much to handle? Perhaps the afterlife is better? I want to know. I want a minute to find out if my lifetime is worth it. We've all thought about it.....it's just that we don't tell others. I want to know if my time here is a good price to pay for what comes next. Sometimes we wish we could just stop it all, no? At least know someone who does? We wish we could say everything, but no...we don't. We wish we could do a lot of things, but we don't do them because we're still more afraid of the risk. We live life being afraid of punishment; that's what life is, a game to see who is best at avoiding the end. I think that if we ever come to the point where we've had enough, we'll stop it because, finally, the punishment is no longer a punishment.

....

I officially declare, at this moment, that everything I used to know about the world and human nature, and people have been......debunked.

It's like, you try really hard to understand a concept, to understand a person, and all you can do is stop and stare because you can't believe what you're seeing. I don't care. I tell myself that I don't care. I tell myself that every single day. It's like, all you're given are clues, small little clues, and you don't get anything except for those clues. Yeah, I'm done being the attached person that I am. I'm done. I've decided that there are two ways to approach life: 1) to train yourself to go above those human traits that pull you down 2) to succumb to it like you've lost all will power.

I will not lose control of myself. I've decided that I'm a person who, upon being tested of my limits, will not sit there and let myself be frustrated. I won't be a doormat. I won't sit here and wonder whether or not I measure up to something that I just realized I will never measure up to. Doing that to myself is absurd.

hi

so...my Asia teacher just totally said "smack down" between fighting philosophies XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

wow...

I think that I've decided to adopt as many of the Confucian/Mencian philosophy as possible because I feel that it would be beneficial to my mental health and it would help my interactions with others, even those I don't like.

she also just said "he offed a lot of people"

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I think that I agree with a lot of Confucian thought, and if so, then I would say that according to a lot of those thoughts that I agree with, I have not been....good. How can I do things that disagree with philosophies that I agree with? I dunno....I think I'm transitioning into a period of moral instability....I'm not sure why. It's like, I constantly have to ask myself, "what are you doing?" and "is it right? will you still feel the same way later on?" I need stability, not only in other people, but also in myself, in order to feel safe. If my decisions and thoughts are iffy, then how can I trust myself to make sound judgments? I think I'm heading towards an existentialist breakdown--what meaning do these things have? what is the purpose? It seems to me now that values exist, but with very little meaning attached to them....

Confucius says

Book 14, verse 30
"One does not worry about the fact that other people do not appreciate one. One worries about the fact that one is incapable."

incapable....yeah...one always has to worry that one is incapable

Book 9, verse 11
"Yan Hui, sighing heavily, said: "The more I look up to it, the higher it is; the more I penetrate it, the harder it becomes; I see it ahead of me and suddenly it is behind....If I wanted to stop, I could not; and when I have exhausted all my talents, it seems as if there is something which he has established profoundly, but even though I long to pursue it, I have no way of doing so at all."

I feel this way sometimes about a lot of things/people....

hmmm

To inquire about something when you know that doing so might result in the immediate effect of that something that you never wantt o happen. That is what I call stupid, but then that is what I also reluctantly call closure. Which one do I want to listen to? One way or another, I risk possibly doing something wrong. On one hand, I risk torturing myself thinking constantly about the situation; on the other, I risk torturing myself by making it worse. Either way, I see speed bumps trying to hinder me from driving through. It takes force, but do I have that force?

The Fountain

I think you should watch The Fountain if you haven't already. Over the pas two days in Asia, I started and finished the whole movie. It brings up a copious amount of interesting points I think that I'm not sure how to discuss. I could ruin the movie for you, so you should go read the synopsis and then watch it. I can't describe it. Just suggesting....

<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fountain_(film)">The Fountain</a>

trying things out

just trying to see if the "post by email" thing would work....

So....the above message was me posting by email....THANK GOD I can do that now!!

Hmm, I was getting testy not being able to type anything I want to type.

Anyway, bah....I was thinking that I still don't trust people (in general) at all. Hmm....not only do I mean that in the sense of not being able to say anything, but also in the sense that I really don't trust most people to eventually hurt me in some way. You'd think that the closer I am to someone, the more that will go away, right? No...I don't think so...I don't think so...I don't know why I'm so paranoid and so distrustful of people's intentions and genuineness....I want to know, though. Blah...

Oh well...I'm done for now. Whatever..."If we are to be separate, make sure its permanence will be maintained. Inconsistency does nothing but confuse and frustrate."

Can't Take It by AAR

You speak to me
I know this will be temporary
You ask to leave,
but I can tell you that I've had enough

I can't take it
This welcome is gone and
I've waited long enough to make it
and if you're so strong
you might as well just do it alone
And I'll watch you go

Step up to me
I know that you've got something buried
I'll set you free
You set conditions, but I've had enough

I can't take it
This welcome is gone and
I've waited long enough to make it
and if you're so strong
you might as well just do it alone
And I'll watch you go

Chocolate by Snow Patrol

You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

What have I done it's too late for that
What have I become truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time

Run by Snow Patrol

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up...

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

hmm

While talking to a sleeping Tracy last night, I was thinking about everything. I looked back reminiscently and I think that there is no reason to be hasty, eh? Calm down, ha thien, calm down. Ah....fears....fears hinder me.