Choices

Perhaps my brain is having a meltdown. Sometimes things seem to be so clearly defined, but sometimes it feels like I'm forced to choose the definitions. There are times when I was sure I know what I'd choose if I ever had to pick, but there are times like these where it's quite apparent that reality has other plans. I picked the unexpected...and I can't elaborate on why. My brain is having an existential meltdown...if it doesn't know who it is and what it wants, then does that mean its whole identity is at risk? Did its actions in the past fit with its internal definition of what it is? Was it true to itself on what it wanted? It makes me want to reevaluate everything. I can honestly say that I don't delude myself by thinking that the people I hold in high esteem will do the same for me. However, does it make sense that I delude myself into thinking that they will always mean that much to me? When given the choice, I betrayed my list of what holds top priority, and picked what I set as the alternative. It seems....the alternative is not the alternative; is it what I want?

I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated. Am I lying to myself? Is choice 2 actually what I wanted all along? ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I can't seem to understand what makes me happy...that is just....aggravatingly pathetic! I know that I'm happy, AS I'm happy. If you ask me to reevaluate outside of the situation, I seem to be as lost as a hobo in a bank. I want to rob the bank, sure....I want it all. I'm sure you have no idea what I'm talking about...I can't explain it. I can't. I don't know how.
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On a different note, who makes you happiest, and why? Perhaps if you answer, then I'd know how to answer that to myself as well.