bowling

so just got back...spent time bowling with Jared, his brother, and my ex-boyfriend...Choua. That wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. Hmm...so after the whole "I'll always love you and keep you in my heart" thing (I'm not kidding you, exact words) I felt...bad. Hmm...he keeps this 3-ft radius when Jared's there, which....makes me feel worse. Today was okay, though....even though the 3-ft radius is still there. Heh...we had fun breaking Lane 2...Well, we hadn't broken it yet.

Eli threw the ball when the pin-adjusting machine thing was still down. The machine paused for a few minutes before the guy went down the lane to retrieve that ball and the machine adjusted itself. Jared then did the same thing a little later. Then next turn, Eli managed to throw the ball in the gutter even though the bumpers were up (yes...we, a group pf 17 and 16-year-olds were playing with bumpers). The same guy went to retrieve that ball, too. Then...(no, we're not finished vandalizing yet) since the machine also measured the speed of the ball in mph, we tried to get it to go less than 1 mph (I managed 1.13 mph during one of my earlier turns) and I pushed it too lightly...it got stuck in the middle of the lane XD The guy had to retrieve that ball, too.

So after vandalizing Lane 2, we finally left after I spent close to $20 on ice cream, skittles, and 4 games....that was a bit much.

<.<

Yeah....so...today I spent half my time shelving romance novels....I might as well have worked as the library...they were dusty and dirty, and I had this constant need to wash my hands. Then there was this person that seemed too polite...apologizing a lot, and it slightly bothered me, but she was nice also. We talked about designing our own houses....apparently, I'm not the only nut with all her house plans laid out. Of course mine is more like a plan for a mansion....and I probably won't ever build it, but I'll have something similar built, sans ballroom guest house and basement ice skating rink. Yes...you should probably see it, you'll think I was insane. Architecture and design....that'll be like a hobby, I guess since it won't be a career. I'm about to go bowling with Jared and some friends...maybe I'll be resolute enough to do it today. *sigh* I'll have to get it over with some time, eh?

OH YES! I saw a wonderful bookcase...I can't describe it to you well, but it was just the most wonderful bookcase I've seen so far, and I want it. This is horrible, but I hope the person that has it on hold decides not to buy it. If they're not going to, I am buying with my own money...and it'll go wonderfully in my room...and I can finally get rid of that small white bookcase next to my door. Painted wood = blegh. Besides, it's too childish...

so I was thinking

What do you think goes behind each and every one of our actions? What is the motive? Is there really a selfless act? There are always seemingly selfless acts, ones where you secretly want something in return. Do you think everyone actually expects something back when they give away a part of themselves? I think that every act has a motive and, simplistically, there are two types of payment one can expect in return.

1) something materialistic
2) something abstract

I think that when most people are thinking of a "selfless act" they're really wanting something abstract, probably something they're not aware of. Love, affection, gratitude...you want the other person to develop some sort of attachment to you, really. I think that same thing happens when you're thinking that you're doing something out of "love". It makes you happy to make someone you care about really happy. However, subconsciously or consciously and no matter how little it is, you want them to feel the same way. You might not necessarily want them to be able to do the same thing for you, but you'd still want them to feel the same way.

I think that no matter what a person says, they still crave affection. I don't think it's escapable. Heh...in my opinion, it really just depends on how good you are at being able to hide the fact that you want it just as much as everyone else does. There are two reactions that a person can have...and that is to deny any interaction with these feelings, or to accept that it's there. I think I'm a person that is still confused as to which one I want; ipso facto, I can never fully plunge myself into revealing my feelings or not. Heh. I think this state of half-decision really bothers some people. Someday, I hope I'll be able to decide. I'm a person that believes that not everything can be decided by a logical thought process. Perhaps that's due to the fact that my thought processes tend to draw themselves out to a point of being illogical. To many logical counter-arguments ultimately equates to one big illogical mess. The killer thing about that is, those counter-arguments give you impressions of making the right choice every time it happens. One day I'll master those counter-arguments. I'll leave you with lyrics...ones that I think reflect what I'm thinking. If you want, decipher what I'm thinking.


"Nothing Lasts Forever"

It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness kills us both

I tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I'm letting go
It may not last but I don't know
Just don't know

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

A bed that's warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving only makes
The ditch between us so damn deep

Built a wall around my heart
I’ll never let it fall apart
But strangely I wish secretly
It would fall down while I'm asleep

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you, babe

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

Though we have not hit the ground
It doesn't mean we're not still falling,
Oh I want so bad to pick you up
But you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame, I hope you find somewhere to place the blame
But until then the fact remains

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes you so hard to stay
Nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

numerous dreams all at once

So I barely remember whole dreams anymore...but I specifically remember that Qin was my roommate, and that was odd. Well....it was nice, actually...because we were just as giddy and happy as we always are when we're in class. I forgot what we were laughing at, but we were laughing at something and I remember that the feeling was very nice :)

Then there was this dream last night where someone was running through the school with a gun. I have no idea who he was, because his face was covered up, but he seemed to be targeting me. Anyway, he actually got a hold of Frances, and it made me really angry. For some reason, Tracy was there, too...even though she doesn't go to our school. Well, he was threatening to kill Frances, actually...and for some reason, through all the anger, I felt a gun that just appeared to be strapped to my leg, and in this quick motion--like one you'd see on hunter x hunter or something--I got it and shot him. However, it didn't feel good, even though I was relieved that Frances was okay. I don't think I can ever shoot someone...but one never knows.
______________________

then there is this one that keeps coming back to haunt me. It's the one where I'm driving down the highway on a motorcycle and I cross a bridge that always seems to be broken in all of my dreams. I then proceeded to descend a horrific 60-70 feet or so down into the ocean. At this lovely point in my dream, I'd realize that I can't swim and start screaming at the top of my lungs. However, assuming no one wakes me up, I'll continue in the dream and eventually swim out of the water, sans motorcycle, and be picked up by someone (always someone that I know) in what I now call, "The SUV of the night." It's always an SUV XD I think the last one I had was a BMW X5, the extended version with 3 rows of seats and all. :D

Weird....as for the people that save me...I think the most recent one was Joseph Moore. He's appeared quite a few times, actually...and my cousin David, Melinda, my mom, My English II teacher....I have no idea why they appear.

today's adventures

So...today I went to see the fireworks with Jared and Eli. We kind of enjoyed a concert by the Charlotte Symphony Orchestra...but they were playing songs that we've heard so many times before...even played so many times before. That was slightly boring...but the fireworks was okay and conversing with Jared and Eli was nice. I was watching some people, and I've decided that my children will never run around with just socks, roll around on a blanket touching their socks, and then use those dirty sock-touching hands to eat their sandwiches. Then Eli saw a group of adults, bringing a full picnic basket, complete with silverware and dishes, and mugs, and even....yep WINE GLASSES and not one, but TWO different kinds of wine, and a small bottle of unidentifiable liquor....

tsk tsk tsk...that is THE way to enjoy a picnic, I guess....

That amused me so...then came the fireworks, and I noticed a plane flying past above the cloud of smoke and thought to myself, "Hmmm...how would the fireworks look from above?" and decided that I would do that one day and take a picture of it. :D

....

I like to be alone when I'm doing certain things. I don't get why my family doesn't get that.

new project

It's moonlight sonata

and a video

observations

So I was sitting in the dentist's office today and I remembered what I saw the other day sitting in the doctor's office. There was this sign on the door that said, "Use the other side". Out of the people that came in, one busy-looking couple rolled in a suitcase, completely ignoring the sign. The woman took a glance at it, and just walked in anyway while the man stormed in without seeing the sign at all. Then there was this kid, face etched with boredom like he really didn't want to be there, who did what the lady did and took one glance at the door only to walk through anyway. Then when his mom asked him, he said he didn't see it. A while later, there was this old man approaching the doctor's office with a walker, and directly facing the door was this man sitting with his kid...who was handicapped. I was sitting in the back of the room, so I was watching to see if he'd open the door. He sat there while the old man struggled to open the door by himself while managing his walker. I got really annoyed and walked to open the door. I glared at all of those people. People like that really annoy me.
________________________________________________________

So I was thinking last night about how I'm supposedly "extroverted with my emotions". *sigh* I think that's just because people need to stop assuming they know exactly what's wrong with me. I don't really tell people exactly what's wrong with me. When I do tell them, it's something on the surface like..."oh yeah...I'm angry at my parents." Pssh...like that really tells them anything about what's going on. Heh...It makes me laugh when some people say they know me well.

boredom has reached a whole new level....

yeah...pssh...so people think they can tell you your personality through your birth month. Haha...like I said, boredome has taken a whole new level. Overly sensitive, possessive, protective, defensive...I think I have heard so much of that.

here...just how sensitive am I? XDD

as for "compatibility" 'tis always that golden "pisces, virgo, taurus, and scorpio"

I don't even know enough people to fit half of these signs. Anyway...I'm moving onto other things. Addicting game

what?

so the pretty table does not work on here....therefore

*** THE EVERYTHING TEST ***

There are many different types of tests on the internet today. Personality tests, purity tests, stereotype tests, political tests. But now, there is one test to rule them all.


Traditionally, online tests would ask certain questions about your musical tastes or clothing for a stereotype, your experiences for a purity test, or deep questions for a personality test.We're turning that upside down - all the questions affect all the results, and we've got some innovative results too! Enjoy :-)



PERSONALITY
You are more emotional than logical, more concerned about others than concerned about self, more atheist than religious, more loner than dependent, more workaholic than lazy, more rebel than traditional, more engineering mind than artistic mind, more cynical than idealist, more leader than follower, and more introverted than extroverted.
As for specific personality traits, you are romantic (71%), adventurous (69%), innovative (64%), intellectual (59%).

STEREOTYPES
Punk Rock (53%)
Young Professional (50%)
Old Geezer (50%)


LIFE EXPERIENCE
Sex (0%)
Substances (3%)
Travel (15%)


POLITICS
Your political views would best be described as Libertarian, whom
you agree with around 64% of the time.

SOCIOECONOMIC
Your attitude toward life best associates you with Upper Class.
You make more than 0% of those who have taken this test,
and 100% less than the U.S. average.

If your life was a movie, it would be rated G.
By the way, your hottness rank is 60%, hotter than 46% of other test takers.

TAKE THE TEST
http://www.thatsurveysite.net/take.php?id=eay

Powered by ThatSurveySite - http://www.thatsurveysite.net
__________________________________________________

I think I'm slightly offended. I don't think I fit the old geezer stereotype....Sex = 0% XDDDD Makes me look innocent...tsk tsk tsk...How did Tracy get 10% then? <<<.<<<

so....

I don't know how many times I'm going to decide to drop the issue that's nagging at me in my head. Drop it, Ha Thien....drop it.

I think the answer that I'm looking for here is how to differentiate between truths and lies. I think that it's better to be told the ugly truth than to be told a nice lie and then be confused later about which side they're on. Eh....Let it go. I don't think it will do me any good to think about things that I have no control over, eh? People regret what they regret. As long as I don't regret it, then it obviously meant something, right?

eh....onto something more fun.

I had this dream last night where Frances, me, and some other person (I forgot) were pulled into this thing. I don't know if it could be called a game or not, but basically, you're attached to this harness, much like the ones that they put on you for the rock wall thing. Frances went first, along with a bunch of other people. I forgot why, but I went a while later...and when I went they told me to put eyedrops in my eye...I have no idea why. But I did, and when Alex went over with a waver signed, they told her that I was the last person who gets to go.

Then the lady turned to me and told me to close my eyes and don't look down. Then they showed me this badly drawn diagram of stick figures and such. Basically, what they're doing is attaching me to this bungee cord. Then, they're going to catapult me fromt the tower that we're on, and I'm going to fall onto a lower platform. But...to break my fall, they have this giant tank of water that I'll fall into. great, fear of heights and fear of water kicking in...but I told myself that if Frances can do the same thing, then it's okay. So I did, and I had this really bad feeling of falling down, like in all my other dreams, but I actually stuck with this one, and then a feeling of being submerged in water came. I was really scared then, because I can't swim. I got out, however, and went into this nice hotel on the lower level of our now skycraper-y school? <.<

Anyway, there was this table with a lot of food on it...and I started to get food...I have no idea why because I wasn't hungry. Then I went to look for Frances, and I found someone that told me Frances just ran off to get some food. So somehow, my food miraculously disappeared and I thought I'd lie down on a futon somewhere. The rest of the dream is a blur. That was a strange dream.

blogs deleted

they've been deleted.

I've been thinking again. I'm one insane individual. I don't think I'm ever satisfied with just one answer. Maybe it's curiosity, maybe it's annoying persistence. Whatever it is, it makes me one insane person.

heh

So I've been told I don't update much. Well, what has happened since the last time I posted?

This weird lady keeps calling my house. Her name is....insignificant to me, but the fact that she calls almost everyday is annoying me to no end. Obviously, she has no idea what my dad is REALLY like...w/e, her fault. However, it's not her loss that worries me, it's my dad's gain that worries me...but for now, I'll deal with it.

I have a summer service place to work at now, I start tomorrow at 10 am. Will I be able to wake up? No. Therefore, I will probably have two alarms set....*sigh* summer service, in my opinion is pointless. Every single place is so full that they don't even know what jobs to give us anymore. Perhaps I should've done something for the humane society? Nono...I will not swtich. I'll stick with this job even if it kills me.

Lately, I've been reading manga, but reading too much bores me...obviously...since I'm here blogging. Lately, I've been reading hunterxhunter and maybe naruto, I'm not sure if I even like it yet. A lot of these seem a little childish to me, but I'll live. However....Kino no tabi is GREAT. hehehehehe, I stress great. I've also been watching foodnetwork lately. Hehe, I've also been cooking more since I prefer my own cooking to my dad's, the bad side is that she eats it, too....and then I wash the dishes. GRR...

In terms of music, there's been chevelle. "Forfeit" est hyper bien. There's also the new Maroon 5 CD, which has a few very good songs. They're mellow, and I can fall asleep to them. "Goodnight, Goodnight" is good, and so is "Not Falling Apart", there's also "It's Better That We Break"...they have depressing lyrics, yes...but 'tis good music. A bit dancy, unlike their "Songs About Jane" CD, which is wonderfully jazzy. I prefer music in minor keys and/or played with the blues scale, I think. Jazz is wonderful, whether it's pure jazz, or just that jazzy element in it.

Jenny's bunny died....and that kid is permanently staying away from my bunny <.<

Ugh..now I have to go write down the multiplication tables so she can memorize it. I tell ya, my parents are crazy...they see another NCSSM kid in Jenny, no kidding...that kid isn't even 7 yet..., and she only just finished kindergarten. She's born late in the year, so she's behind, and my parents are trying to get her to advance to 2nd grade if possible. Basically, they're making her study until she's eligible to skip a grade.

today's quotes

"The reason we hurt others is because we don't understand their pain. If we all understood each other's feelings, there would be no more conflicts; that's what we thought. Soon we realized what a horror it wasto be able to read other people's thoughts and be read yourself. Even when you weren't in pain yourself, you could still feel the pain of others, and there was nothign positive about that. Because in the end, if you understood the pains of others you just couldn't live a normal life."

....

so I wonder....why is it that there are people who has to mask care with hostility? why do the opposite to hide what really is? I know too many people like that

too many....and I'm just frustrated with them. there's no balance if the other person goes the other way...one person steps forward, one person steps back...one person assumes, the other one reacts to the assumption...nothing is said and all is lost in the unspoken words. Makes me angry...

ARGHH
------------------------------------------
"The truth behind fighting...fighting continues forever. After you're defeated one person, someone stronger appears. If you manage to defeat him, then an even stronger person comes along. If you don't have the resolve to endure that eternal struggle, then eventually your confidence will erode. But it doesn't end there! The battle will continue elsewhere, fought by others. It's an endless cycle, and if doesn't end with a person's death! The cycle will continue."

So it's important to accept your situation, to accept your fate. I tell myself that, but have I really accepted it? Or am I still holding out for it to change? In that hope, am I just getting weaker? Am I letting my wounds get to me? Am I really accepting the fact that I will always have to continue fighting? Or am I getting tired of the fight and I've lost my resolve?

More importantly, why am I thinking about this late at night!?

OOOO:

Hinamori was....killed by....Aizen...*gasp**gasp**gasp*

okay....I'm done. What should I say at this point? Well, haha, I don't know if this is an ability or some kind of weird thing that I do....whatever you want to call it, I seem to absorb weird little lessons from things that I watch.

So far what have I thought? Well...I shall tell you in a quote:

“When you dodge, ‘I’m afraid of getting cut.’ When you attack, ‘I’m afraid of cutting someone.’ Even when you try to protect someone, ‘I’m afraid of letting them die.’ What’s necessary in a fight isn’t fear; nothing can be born from that. If you dodge, ‘I won’t let them cut me.’ If you protect someone, ‘I won’t let them die.’ If you attack, ‘I’ll cut them.’”

I guess I shouldn't be afraid as much...or I'll be put into this vicious cycle. Fear limits my range of actions...which ultimately leads to me getting hurt....hurting someone that will end up getting me hurt in return...then there will be more fear...and...the cycle goes on. It's a foolish thing to do...I know that, but...I don't know...someone it just clicked more here. Also, whatever just happened above, being killed by someone you "love" and grieved over...that hardened my resolved to not let my emotions get in the way of rational decisions. That one will be harder, but I'll do it eventually if my resolve brings me far enough.

However...there is also the hardened resolve to follow my emotions...to care about someone completely. I think that perhaps the secret is not "to feel or not to feel", "to follow or not to follow." I think that the real secret is when to follow, when to feel, when to care, and when to fight. It's about the perfect timing, and it's about making decisions, whether or not they're right. Hmm....

Then there's the "illusion" part of it all. Well...people are people. I've decided that a long time ago. If I believe them, if I trust them, if I care about them, and if I...eventually..."love" someone...well...it's my fault. I think that I've told myself that it's not about avoiding the fact that people lie to you, or put up a facade when they interact with you...it's about being able to deal with it. If so and so really didn't care about me...it's their loss...maybe loss of self, maybe loss of a possible good relationship with another person. Whatever it is, being hostile and being dishonest will hurt them more in the end. If I can deal with the shock, and if I am able to trust and care about someone but still be able to pull myself out of an attack from them...then I've succeeded. It's silly, isn't it? It's silly to close out emotions, and to close out other people's emotions...just because you're afraid that what they feel towards you isn't real. I think that people who believe that emotions aren't real, that emotions only pull you into trouble, or that "love" is just something insignificant that people "say without meaning", are people who are afraid that they aren't real. They're afraid that if they chance it and care about someone for once, they'll find out that the other person's feelings aren't real....all in all, they're ultimately afraid of getting hurt.

To believe that air doesn't exist, just because you can't see it, is to believe that what's holding you up isn't real. I'm not sure if you can understand that, but that's what I think.

watching and thinking

It's emotions. Emotions cloud judgment, strong enough emotions release those nice little adrenaline rushes...and enough of that makes for hasty decisions. So where is the line between the mind and the "heart", for a lack of a better word...?

I think I'm different from most in that while I believe that emotions cloud your judgment, and lead your carriage down this gravel path in the park that you sometimes wish would be different, I also think that...well, you need them. Emotions are inevitable, it's just a matter of how much you can control them. Wait...no....you can't control you emotions...I think it's a matter of being able to control your actions that are results of your emotions. Some people can do that, some others can't. I can't; I think that makes me a slave to my emotions. However, if you look at it in another way, I also fully enjoy my emotions at the same time. In being upset, feeling sadness, in caring and failing, I am creating opportunities for me to feel accomplished, to learn things about myself and my emotions. After I'm upset, what do I feel? I feel remorse, regret, but then when it's resolved, I feel happiness. Having failed, I'm able to fully feel success when it comes. Having been hurt, I'm able to appreciate how much other people care about me. I'm glad.

How did that I get to that point up there? I don't know....I tend to talk myself down a winding road. Hmmm....more and more, I feel like I'm doing a bad impersonation of myself...that's the quote that I keep thinking. However, the thing is, more and more I feel like I'm not trying to act like myself. Something to think about there....

I watched House last night, and I watched this episode that made me think. Basically, to make it short, I ended up asking myself, "How is it that you can love someone, and still not trust them?" Hahaha, then I thought to myself, "I do that all the time." I care about certain people, but I don't tell them everything. I have things that I hide, feelings that I don't convey, messages from my brain that are not relayed. I think....perhaps I know how the other side feels now, but then again....the people I care about--who hopefully cares about me back--do the same things! Funny, eh? I value trust, but I don't trust, what does that say about me? I'm afraid of it?

irritated

I don't understand why my dad won't stpo talking. I'm answering as little as I can, is that not a clue?

Well...*sigh* back to House

update in a while

I know that I haven't done much in a while....but I'm now watching death note 2.

there is a great website that a wonderful person gave me that has links to a lot of movies and shows that are already posted on the internet. 'tis a great shortcut, and I'm happy that I have it.

so what has happened in the timespan that I've been gone? Lots.

My roommate and I have had fights, disputes, I've had a few interesting epiphanies on love and life in general. What can I say? the thing that is iccupying my mind right now is how much I miss my roommate. I'm not used to being isolated from people that I like. 'tis a strange feeling...but I guess it's okay if we talk on the phone occasionally. I'd much prefer IM, though...Speaking of whcih, Tracy is gone until school starts again.

I think my summer is apparently destined to be blegh beyond all reason.

But....staying positive, I've been able to watch mucho House!! and now, I have Death Note 2: The Last Name. 'Tis a good movie.

So my parents are being stupid, in my opinion anyway. My dad is hanging around this lady quite a bit....but she's "asking him to help with things". shameless woman. Oh yes....why not come to dinner also!? But...I guess it's a good thing, I asked my dad today, and well....my mom was home yesterday :DD

hmmm, well, no matter what the reason was, I'm glad. she picked up the phone when Frances called, and well...hehehehe

anyway...that doesn't mean she's back permanently. No matter, it shall be fine, I think. My uncle's visiting, I think that's why she went back. He's here today. I think she brought him food or something. Doesn't think my dad can handle it XDD funny. hmm, I'll go back to death note now, I guess.