OOOO:

Hinamori was....killed by....Aizen...*gasp**gasp**gasp*

okay....I'm done. What should I say at this point? Well, haha, I don't know if this is an ability or some kind of weird thing that I do....whatever you want to call it, I seem to absorb weird little lessons from things that I watch.

So far what have I thought? Well...I shall tell you in a quote:

“When you dodge, ‘I’m afraid of getting cut.’ When you attack, ‘I’m afraid of cutting someone.’ Even when you try to protect someone, ‘I’m afraid of letting them die.’ What’s necessary in a fight isn’t fear; nothing can be born from that. If you dodge, ‘I won’t let them cut me.’ If you protect someone, ‘I won’t let them die.’ If you attack, ‘I’ll cut them.’”

I guess I shouldn't be afraid as much...or I'll be put into this vicious cycle. Fear limits my range of actions...which ultimately leads to me getting hurt....hurting someone that will end up getting me hurt in return...then there will be more fear...and...the cycle goes on. It's a foolish thing to do...I know that, but...I don't know...someone it just clicked more here. Also, whatever just happened above, being killed by someone you "love" and grieved over...that hardened my resolved to not let my emotions get in the way of rational decisions. That one will be harder, but I'll do it eventually if my resolve brings me far enough.

However...there is also the hardened resolve to follow my emotions...to care about someone completely. I think that perhaps the secret is not "to feel or not to feel", "to follow or not to follow." I think that the real secret is when to follow, when to feel, when to care, and when to fight. It's about the perfect timing, and it's about making decisions, whether or not they're right. Hmm....

Then there's the "illusion" part of it all. Well...people are people. I've decided that a long time ago. If I believe them, if I trust them, if I care about them, and if I...eventually..."love" someone...well...it's my fault. I think that I've told myself that it's not about avoiding the fact that people lie to you, or put up a facade when they interact with you...it's about being able to deal with it. If so and so really didn't care about me...it's their loss...maybe loss of self, maybe loss of a possible good relationship with another person. Whatever it is, being hostile and being dishonest will hurt them more in the end. If I can deal with the shock, and if I am able to trust and care about someone but still be able to pull myself out of an attack from them...then I've succeeded. It's silly, isn't it? It's silly to close out emotions, and to close out other people's emotions...just because you're afraid that what they feel towards you isn't real. I think that people who believe that emotions aren't real, that emotions only pull you into trouble, or that "love" is just something insignificant that people "say without meaning", are people who are afraid that they aren't real. They're afraid that if they chance it and care about someone for once, they'll find out that the other person's feelings aren't real....all in all, they're ultimately afraid of getting hurt.

To believe that air doesn't exist, just because you can't see it, is to believe that what's holding you up isn't real. I'm not sure if you can understand that, but that's what I think.