music: the second stimulant--early morning revelations continue

The effects of music….I was reading about Snape’s biggest fear…someone he loved being hurt. You know…I think that fear is in everybody…Anyway, while I was reading about Snape betraying Voldemort…ultimately because Voldemort aimed to come after Lily and her family…risked dying by the evil wizard, risked what he had, to warn Dumbledore…Anyway, the affects this had on me were heightened by “Faraway” playing in the background on iTunes. To care is to be able to betray what you’re doing for the sake of the person, right? To the point of becoming a willing participant in death what you knew would come? Or is that love? Where’s the line? How would I know once it’s happened? I seem to always be stuck, between waiting for a chance to care about someone and being cautious so that I wouldn’t fall too far, if at all. I seem to want to find someone to care about, but…also always afraid that the person is going to betray me. Will I ever decide?

Then…to give yourself up to your enemy for anything they want….not knowing what they want. Being asked to protect the offspring of the person you loved and the person you hated (which you loathe even more for taking away the person you love). My mind is telling me it’s pathetic to be in that state. Then it tells me the act is rather noble, awkward and humiliating but commendable nonetheless. I will never be able to decide. I tell myself I don’t want to be that pathetic, and then….and a voice in the back of my head secretly tells me that I’d love the honor of being able to do that for someone; it said I’d be happy to do it. ;akjsblaheta;wigja….I hate myself sometimes. Do you understand this?